I guess the real question I was presented was, “do women like guys for what they can get, and only for what they can get?” I thought this was an odd question. I entertained it because this particular person who brought it up was a man I was previously in a relationship. The precursor to this question was, “I have heard recently the only things loved unconditionally are women, children, and pets.” So the lead in was him sharing that women couldn’t love men unconditionally. He had agreed with the statement and I just shook my head in the negative. I told him I didn’t agree and the question hanging in the air that I asked was, “did you love me unconditionally?” His response was, “Of course, the best I could.” I’m still not sure I agree considering all the break-ups and mis-starts along the way. He did not return the question asking about my unconditional love to him. I didn’t volunteer the answer if the question wasn’t asked.
I have heard the flip side of this question many times in circles of women, “Men are just takers. They only want one thing, Men don’t care about anything but themselves.” Here’s the thing, I don’t think this is true and I don’t think this is a man or woman things. If you look at it from a biology stand point, women want men that are protectors and providers. Men want women that will nurture and manage. If you follow John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, you will learn way more about these concepts. It is biological to our hormones. Yes, there are women that will gut a man financially. Did he realize it was happening? I certainly hopes so! There had to be something he was getting in return; a beautiful woman on his arm, a cheerleader, a confidant, sex, ego stroking, or a good homemade meal. I am not talking about scammers and the people that fall prey. I am talking about smart, suave men. There is a reason why men want to drive fancy fast cars. It is the equivalent to a man advertising he can take care of a woman financially, These days it isn’t exactly the same since just about anyone can have a fancy fast car with car payments for the next 10 years. I’m sure you understand what I mean.
Now for me, and the situation of my last relationship, he didn’t make any grand financial gestures. There weren’t any expensive gifts or exotic vacations. He paid for meals and drinks out. I always showed gratitude and thankfulness at these times. This was important to me. I like a man that is generous. I’m not a woman that feels loved by gifts. I cooked my share of meals, paid my part for vacations, and thought all was good. So tonight, was a real poke in my ribs.
So lets go back to what men are looking for in women. Attraction, chemistry, sexual desire, how soft they are, how they smell, how sweet they are. How many men that see a woman and feel aroused by her are really interested in what she does for work. She could be living in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other women and be looking for her dream job. Does he really care? NOPE! I’m not saying this is all women or all men. This is a generalization.
The answer to the question that he didn’t ask earlier, yes, I did love him as unconditionally as I loved anyone besides my kids. Did the demise of our relationship cause me grief? Yes. Does loving someone unconditionally mean you stay in it when someone verbally attacks you? Maybe once or twice, but more than that? What are the fine points of unconditional love? In many ways I still love him. The type of love has changed. Do I want to mend and forgive and forget? The first couple/few times I did. At the point when my character was attacked, that was enough for me. The sad thing is, this still keeps happening. I have separated myself from him as much as I can, considering the circumstances. The reality is; I can’t think of him as a loving companion any more.
Tonight, he picked me up to take care of some business. He asked if I want to join him for casual drinks with some coworkers. I reluctantly said yes. He paid for my drink. Afterward, this conversation came up. He also asked why I always count on him to get what I need wherever we go. It is as simple as; he invited me. I had no interest in going and hanging out with his work guys. I had a good time, because that is the kind of person I am. Am I a taker? I guess I am sometimes. Do I know how to love a man unconditionally? I would say yes.
Does anyone see this different? I am open to seeing my blind spots.