December 2018 – Surrender To Serendipity

Christmas has passed so now it is time to rev things up for my big birthday and New Year’s Eve. I am reflecting on how families, besides my own, get through the holiday season. I spent most of this season with a family that is new to me. Some of the dynamics are the same, but many are different.

First, depression is real. I do not wish to minimize the effect depression has on people, relationships, and families. I have not suffered from long term depression so I have a hard time completely understanding it. Years ago I dated someone that had deep, dark depression. I could not handle the cloud it cast over life so I chose to end the relationship. I have dated manic depressants. This was a roller coaster ride for me because I loved it when they were manic, but the sad meanness of the depressed days was too much for me. A life full of eggshells is not a place I want to land.

I have had a lifetime learning how to navigate my family over the holidays. Some ways we do this is not healthy. Ignoring certain things and tip-toeing around other things is not easy. This year I entered into a new family with a different minefield. It really is like seeing a beautiful place, but as you enter this land there are conversations, questions, and topics that need to be avoided. I did step on a few bombs this year, but the injuries were minor (at least from my perspective). Even when a map has been clearly drawn out to show where the mines are, I inevitably find other ways to set them off. It may not be a direct step but may still cause pain. I wonder sometimes if the mines we try so hard to avoid are the very things we should be digging up? Should I ask the mom or dad who isn’t with their kids how they are feeling? I can feel empathy when we speak of things that are hurting the people I love and care about. Should we just ignore painful subjects all together, pretend like it doesn’t exist? We did this in my family for decades. In the end, it robbed us all of a desperate need to mourn what could have been. It robbed my family of healing, it robbed my aunt of a life filled with love rather than regret.

I don’t wish to cause another person pain. I don’t want to generalize on this subject. I own the fact that I bring my own history, perspective, and ideas to the table. I am not always as sensitive as people expect me to be (or maybe I should be). Sometimes I am not sensitive at all. Usually my compassion and empathy run out when I hear people blaming others/events for what is going on in their lives. It can sound like this:

Such and such ruined Christmas for me because years ago because this happened.
I have to avoid Christmas because I don’t have my kids.
I can’t be happy because so and so is upset.
So and so didn’t come for Christmas so it ruined the day for everyone.
I don’t want to see anyone because I don’t have money for gifts (money for everything else though).
My unspoken expectations didn’t come true so now I feel depressed and want everyone to hear about it and punish those that didn’t perform the way I wanted.

Please, don’t get me wrong, self-preservation is necessary. If a gathering makes you feel uncomfortable, it is within your rights to avoid it. Avoid the people you need to avoid. What I don’t understand is when someone blames their ruined reality on someone else. Some of the best advice I got was when I moved to a new town after my divorce; “You can create your own reality.” I could make my life whatever I wanted. Yes, my kids lived with their dad and I only saw them 5-8 days each month, but I had a choice to let it ruin my life or chase happiness and joy anyway. Did I want to be a victim of what life had thrown me? I had a choice, just like I had a choice to move for work or stay where I was and be unemployed. When someone says they don’t or didn’t have a choice, I usually disagree. Unexpected things happen, yes, but we do have a choice how to react to them.

Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn’t fix anything. Pretending or shutting it out, doesn’t fix anything. Medication and counseling can help a person with depression if they are ready (but, does anyone ever feel ready?). I sought counseling when I knew I needed help to heal from some family/relationship issues. I was ready and it was well worth the time, cost, and pain to get better. It was my road to a balanced life.

I have people in my life that choose a different route; they choose sadness, choose to be alone, or choose to make others suffer for their sadness. Punishing others for what we are feeling or choosing is never a good idea. I have been punished for choices others have made. It is not my job to make you feel better. If there is something I need to apologize for, tell me. I want people around me to be happy and I will do what I can in my power to make that happen, BUT if you continue to choose unhappiness, I will walk away. Self-preservation is king.

Processing and making peace with how we are feeling is extremely important. Let the feelings wash over you, name the feelings, accept them, own them, then let them go. The less time we spend focusing on them, the faster they will pass, and the less likely they will resurface. A very wise friend of mine told me that all feelings come from either of the two core feelings; LOVE or FEAR. Where does our sadness, unhappiness, or disappointment come from? Is it out of love or fear? Are we punishing people and pushing them away in hopes they will say the things we want to hear, promise to change, or somehow choices we have made will have a different outcome? A person can wish and hope, but only through the action to create their own life and reality will life look any different. Put the work in, make the change, and see how your life looks a year from now!

A great video on dealing with challenges over the holidays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE0AH7stT5c

Two months ago I left for Italy with my mom. Time has flown by! The trip to Italy and cruise to Greece for 3.5 weeks with my mom was amazing. I will write about it later and share some pictures.

To recap; during the month of September Mel and I were struggling to figure out where our relationship would land when I returned from my trip. We were good friends, we had a connection, and we shared a good dose of chemistry. What was the problem? I wanted to find my person and if he wasn’t it, I was going to move on, without him. I had already started the process of mourning our relationship. I was willing to risk our friendship to see if we could have more, Mel was not. This was the beginning of a slow goodbye.

The weekend before my Italy trip, Mel invited me to a VW event at the coast. I was excited to go with him and meet new people. I also had a feeling of deep sadness knowing this was probably going to be our last outing together.

He picked me up Saturday morning and we left for the club meeting place. We never have a lack of things to talk about and getting to the place an hour early was no big deal. I met some new people and saw some I had met through the summer events. Mel and I chatted with the others and just between the two of us. I did my best to focus on these wonderful moments.

On the road heading for the coast, I was quiet for some time (this is unusual for me). Mel asked if I was trying to figure out what he was thinking (about our situation). I said I wasn’t, but I was trying to figure out how I felt. In my heart I was grappling with the sadness, trying to feel it but enjoy the present. I do, at times, try to figure others out, but I am not very good at it. I hadn’t wasted too much time trying to figure out Mel, but instead, taking the time to figure out how I felt with the situation.

I have loved Mel since my birthday at the end of 2017. He is a good and caring man. I had resisted falling in love with him. Our relationship has always been grounded on acceptance and friendship. Even knowing he didn’t want to be with me romantically, our friendship was still our place of security.

The coast was fun. We drove on the beach and parked for a potluck. We ate and visited then decided to move the cars due to the tide. The rain was holding off so Mel and I took a walk down the beach with another couple. I held Mel’s hand and held back my tears. I felt joy too, and I wanted to soak it in.

We headed back from the coast and unfortunately, the vehicle we were in, broke down. This can happen when you drive classics! Mel was very disappointed. I was just happy we were safe and it was something he could eventually fix. The tow truck arrived, loaded the bus, and off we went toward home. We had a fun visit with the tow truck driver. We asked him about “the spark” and his girlfriend. An interesting conversation flowed.

We got back to Mel’s and unloaded the bus. We went inside and had a drink. We talked about the day and what he thought the problem was with the bus. We snuggled on the sofa and watched a movie. Mel kissed me and I kissed him back. He pulled back, looked at me, and asked me to stay. I asked what kind of stay over he meant, since we had camped together without any sex and I wasn’t sure if he was thinking sleeping only. We had respected the no sex boundary for almost a whole year. I hadn’t even considered it would be lifted before I left for my trip. This time, there wouldn’t be that boundary. He made a decision and chose to take the risk of our relationship being more than friends. I cried with feelings of happiness, relief, and love. It felt like someone reached into my chest and was squeezing my heart. I felt full. I felt breathless. I felt good.

Is this the beginning (again) of a beautiful relationship? Time will tell. To start a romance off with a month apart….we will see.

Month: December 2018

Create your own reality

Down to the wire…..