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Back to the Ex?

Welcome 2024! I’m sitting at home on the first snow/ice day of the year. It isn’t very common for us to get weather that keeps us home in the pacific northwest but today is one of those days for me. We have a couple of inches of ice out on the roads which is enough to keep me in. I was going to go for a walk but after a trip to the frozen compost bin, I decided I didn’t want to break my hip today.

I should be working on taxes….I can do that tomorrow. I decided to be a bit creative and reason out some thoughts swirling in my mind.

Thought/question for the day: what would my ex and I have to do to consider getting back together?

Backstory; we have been done romantically for 2.5 years. We bought property together in 2021. The house was a fixer and the whole property needed work. I work remotely and have a project management mindset so I was the one tasked with living in a trailer on the property and making the magic happen. The house remodel was wrapped up in early 2022 (about 8 months time). It was a big accomplishment but all I felt was sadness. I lost my relationship early in the project. Maybe I will write another post about that journey.

Last year he tried to get a loan to buy me out and I tried to do the same. Neither of us could accomplish it since it is commercial property. So we are stuck in this business together. We had some very rocky times even before going into this business/property together. Was getting hooked together in this way the best idea? Probably not….hindsight is 20/20. So many hurtful things were said and when I mention times he came unglued, he goes back into the rage he felt at the time. Needless to say, it makes it almost impossible to sort anything out.

Forward to present. I am back to dating, as is he. We have shared some really good times together the last couple months. I have let myself play the “what if” game. What if we were able to get past those nasty things he said? What would need to change to make me even consider?

Here is my list:

  1. He would need to get personal counseling.
  2. We would need to get couples counseling.
  3. He would need to make fitness/healthy habits more important.
  4. He would need to go to the dentist.
  5. Less drinking when we are together. No drinking when we need to talk about anything important.
  6. He needs to wash his hands more often.

He hasn’t actually said he wants to get back together. He just says he feels all the roads point back to me and him being together. This is bittersweet since we could have stayed together if his insecurities hadn’t gotten the best of him. He opened his mouth and horrible things came out, not just once but several times.

Am I being unreasonable with my list?

Are women takers?

I guess the real question I was presented was, “do women like guys for what they can get, and only for what they can get?” I thought this was an odd question. I entertained it because this particular person who brought it up was a man I was previously in a relationship. The precursor to this question was, “I have heard recently the only things loved unconditionally are women, children, and pets.” So the lead in was him sharing that women couldn’t love men unconditionally. He had agreed with the statement and I just shook my head in the negative. I told him I didn’t agree and the question hanging in the air that I asked was, “did you love me unconditionally?” His response was, “Of course, the best I could.” I’m still not sure I agree considering all the break-ups and mis-starts along the way. He did not return the question asking about my unconditional love to him. I didn’t volunteer the answer if the question wasn’t asked.

I have heard the flip side of this question many times in circles of women, “Men are just takers. They only want one thing, Men don’t care about anything but themselves.” Here’s the thing, I don’t think this is true and I don’t think this is a man or woman things. If you look at it from a biology stand point, women want men that are protectors and providers. Men want women that will nurture and manage. If you follow John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, you will learn way more about these concepts. It is biological to our hormones. Yes, there are women that will gut a man financially. Did he realize it was happening? I certainly hopes so! There had to be something he was getting in return; a beautiful woman on his arm, a cheerleader, a confidant, sex, ego stroking, or a good homemade meal. I am not talking about scammers and the people that fall prey. I am talking about smart, suave men. There is a reason why men want to drive fancy fast cars. It is the equivalent to a man advertising he can take care of a woman financially, These days it isn’t exactly the same since just about anyone can have a fancy fast car with car payments for the next 10 years. I’m sure you understand what I mean.

Now for me, and the situation of my last relationship, he didn’t make any grand financial gestures. There weren’t any expensive gifts or exotic vacations. He paid for meals and drinks out. I always showed gratitude and thankfulness at these times. This was important to me. I like a man that is generous. I’m not a woman that feels loved by gifts. I cooked my share of meals, paid my part for vacations, and thought all was good. So tonight, was a real poke in my ribs.

So lets go back to what men are looking for in women. Attraction, chemistry, sexual desire, how soft they are, how they smell, how sweet they are. How many men that see a woman and feel aroused by her are really interested in what she does for work. She could be living in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other women and be looking for her dream job. Does he really care? NOPE! I’m not saying this is all women or all men. This is a generalization.

The answer to the question that he didn’t ask earlier, yes, I did love him as unconditionally as I loved anyone besides my kids. Did the demise of our relationship cause me grief? Yes. Does loving someone unconditionally mean you stay in it when someone verbally attacks you? Maybe once or twice, but more than that? What are the fine points of unconditional love? In many ways I still love him. The type of love has changed. Do I want to mend and forgive and forget? The first couple/few times I did. At the point when my character was attacked, that was enough for me. The sad thing is, this still keeps happening. I have separated myself from him as much as I can, considering the circumstances. The reality is; I can’t think of him as a loving companion any more.

Tonight, he picked me up to take care of some business. He asked if I want to join him for casual drinks with some coworkers. I reluctantly said yes. He paid for my drink. Afterward, this conversation came up. He also asked why I always count on him to get what I need wherever we go. It is as simple as; he invited me. I had no interest in going and hanging out with his work guys. I had a good time, because that is the kind of person I am. Am I a taker? I guess I am sometimes. Do I know how to love a man unconditionally? I would say yes.

Does anyone see this different? I am open to seeing my blind spots.

When I say “I love you”

Brene Brown, the author of “Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead”, talks about living wholeheartedly in this book. This idea and attitude has changed my life. There is so much in this book and I 100% recommend it. Read it, let it wash over you, take it to heart, and start living life open and vulnerable.

The year I watched Brene’s famous TEDxHouston talk, my daughter was a senior in high school. Part of her thing in high school had been student leadership and volunteering. During one such event that raised money for equipment in caring for preemies, she was part of a variety show called Lion Pride Pageant. Previous years it was Lion King Pageant but this was the year they started to let girls participate. I had never been to one of these pageants so I had no idea what to expect. My daughter asked me to show up in formal wear and wanted to know if I was OK with her dad and me being on stage at the same time with her. Of course I was OK. We made and raised this wonderful young woman, I had no reason to avoid it. Part of the pageant was the kids reading a letter to their parents. The letter was written ahead of time and prerecorded by the writer. I walked out on stage with my daughter in front of hundreds of people. I heard her start to read this letter.

I did not expect to hear these words from my daughter. I felt like I had let my kids down and this one of my three was the hardest for me to read. She was the youngest and had the least number of years with her dad and me together. But here I was, standing there, holding my daughter and knowing she thought I was brave. This is what she wrote about me:

“Mom, I have learned so many things from you over the years. Things like generosity, compassion, and forgiveness, along with so many others, but one that you have shown me time and time again is how to be brave. I’ve learned to be brave when it comes to my career, beliefs, and any other life choices. You’ve never been one to stand down from a fight in order to protect what you believe in or to protect Colt, Camille, or I. I know our lives have been a roller coaster of sad and happy times but we continue to come out on top because you can make the best out of the worst. You’ve seen me through the hardest parts of my life so far and I just know whatever I go through you’ll be there making things better. I see you go through things that I could never imagine experiencing but somehow you’re always smiling when I see you. I just hope you know that no matter what others say or think about you, I am extremely proud to have you as my mother and friend. I love you so much Mom.”

She wrote these words in May of 2017. We both stood on stage crying and holding each other, her dad on her other side, looking at us. In writing these words today, I need to remember who I am. I’m brave and willing to fight for what I want, what is right, and to protect my loved ones. These pandemic days have weakened my fight and reduced my bravery to silent dread. This isn’t who I am. I am strong, brave, and make the most of even hard times. So what if I get laid-off. I have been wanting to leave my job anyway. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would force me to get out of my comfortable little nest and look for the next amazing turn of my life.

My kids have always been the brightest places in my life. Now I have my guy also, a beaming light that I love. My heart is an open place with few road blocks. Daring greatly has become a natural part of my life. It is scary, it is true honesty with myself and others. The deep truth is; when I say “I love you”, I mean it. No fluff, no frills, plain simple truth.

Evening with strangers – the beginning

Last summer I was reading a book called, “Your Money or Your Life”. The book is awesome and I highly recommend it. The author challenged dreams and desires. She said to dig down deeper to figure out why we have certain dreams and desires. So I did just that and a MeetUp was born.

I have always loved to travel. I am curious about the world and how different cultures work. This is probably why I love meeting people. I dream of travel, seeing new lands, meeting new people. I’ve pictured myself in foreign lands, living in a village, getting to know the people and their ways. In the process of digging deeper, I realized this basic desire comes from the fact that I love meeting new people. Yes, I love seeing new places, but I can find those all around me, the states close to me, and the country I live in.

My mind shifted to; how do I meet new people outside of my dating life? Plus, I didn’t want to be dating the rest of my life. I could join some new clubs, scour Meetup for groups I would be interested in, or just have people over for a meal and talk. The first thing that popped into my head was “Dinner with 10 strangers”. I could host a quiet meal with questions that would open people up, let them drop their walls, and really share. Yes, this is what I wanted!

I kicked around the idea with some friends that were less than enthusiastic about me having strangers in my home. I talked to my guy (who wasn’t my guy at the time) and he was on-board and intrigued. He asked about the questions I would ask, I came up with a list. He asked how it would be mediated, I wrote up some guidelines. Boom, it started to come together.

By this time, I was getting my house back in order after my 2017-18 remodel. My house was still a disaster and I was gearing up to go to Italy. My heart was in a bit of turmoil thinking I wouldn’t have Mel around when I got back from my trip. The last thing I wanted to do was to get tied to him in my scheme. As fate had planned, Mel and I were together when I arrived home. Yay!

Mel tied me down one evening and said we should create a MeetUp group, Dinner with Strangers. Unfortunately, that name was taken by someone on the east coast. We settled on Evening with Strangers instead. We hosted our first event on December 5th. We had 4 strangers for dinner. It was a fun evening, just the way I was hoping. We had a second and third potluck with 1 stranger and 2 strangers. All good times!

We hope the attendance will grow. We have invited people we know since the questions we ask give a deeper understanding of people. Answering the questions myself, out loud to others, has given me insight into my deeper beliefs and longings. I feel like I am getting to know myself and Mel better. It is a really good exercise. And exactly what I desire; I’m meeting new people and seeing how others think and feel.

Navigating grown children while dating

I’ve been divorced for almost 9 years, April 15, 2019 is the anniversary of when the paper was signed. I started dating slowly when I went “back on the market”. Online dating in 2010 was much different than it is now. I had a few significant relationships along the way, some lasting as little as 3 months. I learned much while dating. I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and what I wanted. Most of the time it was fun, sometimes exhausting.

My kids (3 of them) are grown now, they are all on their own. My youngest will be 21 in a couple months. She is in college and the only dependent I have left. Both of my daughters live relatively close by….it is nice to see them for dinner or on a whim. We all have busy lives and try to make time when we can. My son lives in Las Vegas and he gets a phone call when we feel like chatting.

Dating when the kids were younger was much different than it is now. The question of whether the guy was going to meet my kids is a thing of the past. In the early days, I would wait until I thought I had a significant relationship with the guy, then he could meet my kids. My kids met 3 men in the first 5 years. I think my kids disliked them all. My kids thought one stole me away from their dad, a couple were really old, one was crazy and moody. To be fair, a couple were 10-14 years older than me, one did turn out to be angry and moody, but the accusation that one stole me from their dad, absurd.

My kids knew I was dating and as they got older and I became more relaxed with dating, the lines were blurred. If a man offered to cook me a meal and my kids showed up, they met him. One short-term boyfriend was in the same area where I was celebrating Christmas with my family. I invited him over and he spent the afternoon with my whole family. AND it wasn’t awkward. That same man popped in and out of family stuff for a month before the relationship ended. It might have been the first man my kids really liked.

There have been brief meetings of men and my kids throughout the years. One I thought was going to be a brief relationship has turned into a 4.5 year friendship. He has rented my basement for the last 2.5 years. We don’t spend very much time together these days, but he is always welcome to holidays I host. My kids didn’t like him at first but they see he has a good heart and they have gotten used to him.

The guy in my life now was my friend for a year before we decided to have a relationship. He has 3 grown kids and a handful of grandsons. I met his son and parents before dating started. He met and spent time with my daughters also, even met my parents too. Now that we have an established relationship, I have met his daughters also.

The life of now navigating through this time with all of our grown kids is so much different than it was 9 years ago. My guy’s daughter told me I could take over the job as grandma. She asked me what I would like her sons to call me. I told her grandma was fine though my grandson calls me Nana. She chose Nana.

My daughter told us we couldn’t move. Who would be around to watch her kids when she and her husband decided to have some? News flash girlie, your momma works and couldn’t watch your kids like your Oma was able to watch you. This has been a struggle for me to consider as my kids have grown.

Both of our youngest daughters are not really involved. A lunch or breakfast here and there, that is about it. His son and girlfriend we see the most. They spend a lot of time at the house which I enjoy. In all, the kids are good people. They haven’t met each other yet and someday we might try to make that happen.

My family has accepted my guy. I feel happy and it makes things much easier. They expect him to be joining me when they want to see me. I think his family feels the same about me. It has become this comfortable and warm place. I feel grateful. My kids can be themselves and so can I.

How will things go in the future? I’m only guessing good things will happen. Kids will be kids, even when they are grown. My hope is when the kids meet, they will enjoy each other’s company. What more could a mom hope for? They don’t need to be friends or buddies. Boy, am I thankful they won’t have to share a house!

Three year plan – moving first steps

I have felt for over a year that change was coming….and I didn’t know what. In the course of the last few months, since returning from Italy at the end of October 2018, several people I have spoken to feel the same way. This feeling has prepared me to be open and looking when it looks like change is here. The first step might be at my door.

My guy came to me a couple weeks ago and said we needed to talk about our three year plan. This didn’t come as a surprise since for a year he and I have been brainstorming what it would be like to leave our jobs. Do we have a definite plan on what we want to do? Nope. This wouldn’t be just leaving our jobs, but what it would look like working on our own terms.

In my case, I won’t be able to retire in 3 years without getting a side hustle and socking a ton of money away. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to have to get another job, but now is the time to build something I can take with me wherever we may land.

For my guy, once he turns 55, he has many options. One big one, he won’t have to worry about health insurance. Lucky guy, then again, putting in over 25 years at one job is a big deal. He is as smart as a whip and is in IT. He can consult and/or do whatever he sets his mind to.

Together, we each own a house. I’m only a couple years into my 15 year mortgage, he only owes 1/3 of his home’s current value. I rent part of my house to tenants and live in the other part, this covers my fixed costs (mortgage, insurance, taxes). We both live pretty frugal. We both know what it means to have a plan and goals.

We have discussed what each of us need to do to sell or rent our homes. I would likely keep mine as it is right now, rental, and it still provides a place to live. I have a few projects to complete inside my house. The yard needs some repairs (retaining walls) and cleaning up. He could go either way on his house with some repairs and yard clean-up.

The big question comes on where we want to live in 3 years. Our current area, Portland, Oregon, has an elevated market. Real estate is high, property tax is high, and it just doesn’t seem like the best place for retirement/starting new for us.

I have a dream of having a wine bar, he has a dream of opening a different kind of brewery. We both love meeting new people and listening to their stories. We both know how to work hard, we both know how to manage people. Should we look for a place to make these dreams come true? Should we look for a parcel of land or income property? So many different paths we can take.

Another big one; my guy will become my business partner. Whatever we decide on will probably lock us in….maybe longer than our relationship lasts. I have no reservations to whether our relationship will last or not. I am a realist though and I know what can happen. I don’t see any signs of “us” failing. I feel happy, loved, and most of all, I feel understood. I can imagine spending my days with him and the fun we can have along the way. These are all good things.

So our first steps:

  • Decide what kinds of properties we are looking for
  • Find a realtor that can search for us (since we live 6 hours from Spokane)
  • Get pre-approved for a loan

Do I feel fear? Yes! Do I feel excitement? Yes!

January 2019 gone already

Warning: this is a dry post! lol

Where has the month gone? Swept away by the tide of time! So what have I accomplished in January?

*Slept almost 7 hours or more every night
*Didn’t drink 3 nights every week
*Finished my staircase project (woohoo!)
*Went to Spokane and found an antique chandelier for my dining room and rewired it
*Got a new housemate
*Saved $500 to go into savings (I have to get an account set up)
*I have access to all my retirement and savings account, everything now feeds into   Personal Capital
*Drank my ActivatedYou Morning Complete every morning
*Made a plan to reduce cow’s milk consumption (I am highly reactive to cow, buffalo,   and coconut milks)
*Walked 3x per week outside my walk to the train
*Stayed low carb for 90% of the month (I had a few downfall days)
*Kept up with #MindSetReset
*Tracked my spending
*Enjoyed being in a healthy, loving relationship with my guy

In all, January was a good month to get things rolling. I need to print out my goal sheet for February. How quickly I forget what I have on it!

A couple of projects I want to get finished in February:

*Complete sanding and painting on window and door trim downstairs
*Remove and install new baseboard trim in main bathroom
*Finish baseboards on main level
*Get bids for fixing my driveway retaining wall (or bite the bullet and prepare to do it   myself)
*Hang chandelier and outdoor motion light
++If I get those things done, maybe recover a club chair I tried to paint (epic fail)

A big project that will keep me busy for a couple weeks will be to organize and scan in all of my pictures. I have 3 tote bins full of albums and loose pictures. I want to get them all organized by year to start. So many pictures of the kids and their art work. A lot of things will be discarded (I have lots of duplicate pictures) and I may look differently at all of the art that has been accumulated through their school years. Anyway, I don’t want to think about it now! When the list above is completed, then I will move on.

January gone! Hello February!

 

 

Mourning those still living

Have you ever had a relationship go wrong and it consumed you? A breakup you couldn’t let go of? A person mistreated you and it defines you? Your family member doesn’t treat you the way they did before and you are angry?

My momma told me when I was a little girl that life wasn’t fair. The sooner I could figure that out the happier I would be.

This week has brought me back to that statement again. Also, the delicate balance of family, relationships, forgiveness, conflicts, stubbornness, and a hundred different things. I think mourning is a very important, often overlooked step in life’s processes.

Story: brothers grow up with an age gap and vastly different personalities. As life goes on, brothers recognize (or don’t) their differences, but enjoy spending time together. They have common interests. Younger brother is involved in his nieces and nephew’s lives. It isn’t paradise, but family life is good. Younger brother gets married and doesn’t think it is cool to hang out with his family anymore. Divorce happens, family is back. Another marriage and a child. Nieces and nephew grow up, older brother divorces. Harsh words are said between brothers and wife. Time passes and older brother, nieces, and nephew still make an effort to contact younger brother, which he ignores. This situation starts consuming the whole family. Younger brother has a heart attack, the family shows up at the hospital. Younger brother’s wife is barely civil. Days at the hospital roll by as younger brother is sedated to heal. Older brother is consumed and conflicted.

Families are tricky. At least mine is and the one I speak of above in the simplest terms is also. I am living through a sister-in-law that doesn’t like our family. This barely bothers me anymore. Twenty-five years ago, my brother made choices and it wasn’t what my side of the family was hoping for. This consumed family conversations, my heart, and my thoughts for years. Truth is, we wanted life to be fair….it wasn’t. We still had my brother but in a different way. We still have him now in limited capacity. My sister-in-law didn’t go to my daughter’s wedding or her own daughter’s graduation party (from high school or college). We all have choices, and for years, I was letting someone else’s choices cause me mental and emotional energy drain. I finally put my foot down and said, “I’m done giving this woman power. I refuse to keep beating the same dead horse over and over. I’m done talking about it.” It went over like a lead balloon when I said this to my family. My sister-in-law and brother are not bad people, they make choices different than mine. They are who they are. My kids deal with it on their own. I see and talk to my brother when I can and I always send best wishes to his wife. I feel much freer and easy about it these days.

There have been countless situations where I got stubborn and refused to let things go. I was right, they were wrong, this isn’t fair, why did they do this! Why can’t they just admit how wrong they were/are and ask for forgiveness? This is so sinister….if I hold on to this hurt, anger, righteousness, they will pay! What!!!???? Do you think they care at all? Do you think they know how it is tearing me up? Maybe, but what is it doing to them? NOTHING! We are so self-centered.

Here is what I know to be true….I am sad things aren’t the way I would want them to be. Is it my fault or their fault? Maybe nobody’s fault? Once I can recognize this I need to mourn it. Cry, get angry, cut my hair, wear black! Mourn the picture of the way I wanted it to be. I may not fully accept the way it is right now, but mourning it is a good start. Once the old picture is dead to me, I can look at the situation with an open heart and fresh eyes. So what my sister-in-law doesn’t like any of us! So what she chooses not to attend amazing family events! Do I care anymore? No! I have compassion on my brother, and even her for that matter. I don’t know what his life looks like on the inside. It probably isn’t very fun. Then, my life goes on.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. -Margaret Stunt

News flash, drinking poison doesn’t kill them! Mourning the way we wanted things to be and forgiving all the “wrongdoing” (if it actually was wrong), takes away the poison. That poison was only destroying my life, not theirs. Beating the dead horse gets old…and stinky. We don’t forgive to let the other person off the hook, we do it so we can heal.

Back to the story of the brothers. When the older brother mourns the loss of the way he wanted his brother’s story to go, he will be open to the way it exists now. Let go of the dead horse. Forgive the younger brother’s choices, mourn him, because he may never come back into his life. Once he gives him up he can just say, “that’s who/how my younger brother is”. Mourn, forgive, accept. We don’t have to wait until someone dies to mourn them!

2019 bright and new

Happy New Year! I am already 16 days into 2019 and I am making changes and getting things done. I worked on my list of to-dos for the whole month of December. I set my intentions for the year and have been working to make some a habit already.

Reality check-in; I feel myself resisting some of the things I want to get rolling this year. First, I want to do a blog post once a week. I’m a week behind, brush off and start fresh. Second, it is my intention to make stretching and cardio a priority 3-4X per week, behind but brush it off! I am almost finished with my stairway project that has been on my list for months (OK, 6 months). VERY good, big thing that has been hanging over my head.

Here is a list of some of the other things I set intentions/goals for in 2019:

  • Save $500/month and track
  • Make $100/month on my blog
  • Get at least 7 hours of sleep each night
  • Track my spending
  • Digitize my old photos/kids’ papers (many steps to this)
  • 3 alcohol free days/week
  • Complete blog courses by February
  • Get all my DIY projects on my blog
  • Play with affiliate marketing
  • Review (and write about) more items I use in my home, on my body, and take into my body
  • Read at least 12 books this year (I am going to keep a list this year)
  • Reduce my clutter until I don’t have any left

I don’t like procrastination and I do like accountability. I’m thinking for 2019 I should track my progress here on the blog. I could write a ton more stuff on all things I want to do, but in reality, I just need to start. Here goes for my first 2019 check-in!

Week 1 and 2: Four dry days, started stairway project, slept 7 hours 6 nights, cleared out some leggings, turtlenecks, jewelry, organized bedding, painted 3rd bedroom, got my investment accounts set-up, paid for some blogging courses, got electrical work done, paid off credit card, reorganized bathroom supplies, cleaned out the fridge, and created a last will/testament. I went to work everyday!

Create your own reality

Christmas has passed so now it is time to rev things up for my big birthday and New Year’s Eve. I am reflecting on how families, besides my own, get through the holiday season. I spent most of this season with a family that is new to me. Some of the dynamics are the same, but many are different.

First, depression is real. I do not wish to minimize the effect depression has on people, relationships, and families. I have not suffered from long term depression so I have a hard time completely understanding it. Years ago I dated someone that had deep, dark depression. I could not handle the cloud it cast over life so I chose to end the relationship. I have dated manic depressants. This was a roller coaster ride for me because I loved it when they were manic, but the sad meanness of the depressed days was too much for me. A life full of eggshells is not a place I want to land.

I have had a lifetime learning how to navigate my family over the holidays. Some ways we do this is not healthy. Ignoring certain things and tip-toeing around other things is not easy. This year I entered into a new family with a different minefield. It really is like seeing a beautiful place, but as you enter this land there are conversations, questions, and topics that need to be avoided. I did step on a few bombs this year, but the injuries were minor (at least from my perspective). Even when a map has been clearly drawn out to show where the mines are, I inevitably find other ways to set them off. It may not be a direct step but may still cause pain. I wonder sometimes if the mines we try so hard to avoid are the very things we should be digging up? Should I ask the mom or dad who isn’t with their kids how they are feeling? I can feel empathy when we speak of things that are hurting the people I love and care about. Should we just ignore painful subjects all together, pretend like it doesn’t exist? We did this in my family for decades. In the end, it robbed us all of a desperate need to mourn what could have been. It robbed my family of healing, it robbed my aunt of a life filled with love rather than regret.

I don’t wish to cause another person pain. I don’t want to generalize on this subject. I own the fact that I bring my own history, perspective, and ideas to the table. I am not always as sensitive as people expect me to be (or maybe I should be). Sometimes I am not sensitive at all. Usually my compassion and empathy run out when I hear people blaming others/events for what is going on in their lives. It can sound like this:

  • Such and such ruined Christmas for me because years ago because this happened.
  • I have to avoid Christmas because I don’t have my kids.
  • I can’t be happy because so and so is upset.
  • So and so didn’t come for Christmas so it ruined the day for everyone.
  • I don’t want to see anyone because I don’t have money for gifts (money for everything else though).
  • My unspoken expectations didn’t come true so now I feel depressed and want everyone to hear about it and punish those that didn’t perform the way I wanted.

Please, don’t get me wrong, self-preservation is necessary. If a gathering makes you feel uncomfortable, it is within your rights to avoid it. Avoid the people you need to avoid. What I don’t understand is when someone blames their ruined reality on someone else. Some of the best advice I got was when I moved to a new town after my divorce; “You can create your own reality.” I could make my life whatever I wanted. Yes, my kids lived with their dad and I only saw them 5-8 days each month, but I had a choice to let it ruin my life or chase happiness and joy anyway. Did I want to be a victim of what life had thrown me? I had a choice, just like I had a choice to move for work or stay where I was and be unemployed. When someone says they don’t or didn’t have a choice, I usually disagree. Unexpected things happen, yes, but we do have a choice how to react to them.

Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn’t fix anything. Pretending or shutting it out, doesn’t fix anything. Medication and counseling can help a person with depression if they are ready (but, does anyone ever feel ready?). I sought counseling when I knew I needed help to heal from some family/relationship issues. I was ready and it was well worth the time, cost, and pain to get better. It was my road to a balanced life.

I have people in my life that choose a different route; they choose sadness, choose to be alone, or choose to make others suffer for their sadness. Punishing others for what we are feeling or choosing is never a good idea. I have been punished for choices others have made. It is not my job to make you feel better. If there is something I need to apologize for, tell me. I want people around me to be happy and I will do what I can in my power to make that happen, BUT if you continue to choose unhappiness, I will walk away. Self-preservation is king.

Processing and making peace with how we are feeling is extremely important. Let the feelings wash over you, name the feelings, accept them, own them, then let them go. The less time we spend focusing on them, the faster they will pass, and the less likely they will resurface. A very wise friend of mine told me that all feelings come from either of the two core feelings; LOVE or FEAR. Where does our sadness, unhappiness, or disappointment come from? Is it out of love or fear? Are we punishing people and pushing them away in hopes they will say the things we want to hear, promise to change, or somehow choices we have made will have a different outcome? A person can wish and hope, but only through the action to create their own life and reality will life look any different. Put the work in, make the change, and see how your life looks a year from now!

A great video on dealing with challenges over the holidays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE0AH7stT5c

 

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