Month: September 2018

Fear of failure, scared of success

I was married for 17 years and I failed. I failed to continue to live with a relationship that I felt empty in. I failed to keep my family together. I failed to be a good Christian wife and woman. I failed to sacrifice myself for others. I failed to stick it out. I failed to figure out what wasn’t working. I failed to understand why my husband wasn’t giving me what I needed in our marriage. I failed to keep our businesses successful. I failed to pray enough, to trust God enough, to be enough. I failed to do it all. I FAILED!

As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!

 

Morning Complete, 4 months

I’m writing this post because one of my most viewed posts were the ones for Morning Complete. I can say I have been happy for four months with my choice to continue taking Morning Complete. I drink my glass within 60 minutes of waking (before 6:30 am on weekdays). I don’t feel like I skipped breakfast and I usually have my coffee and cream around 9 am.

Some days I do feel very hungry before lunch time. I’m not sure why this is, but it does happen. I eat a handful of almonds or have a string cheese. I generally eat low carb so these are my go to. My coffee has a good dose of cream that helps give me calories and keep the jitters down from caffeine on an empty tummy. I eat lunch between 1-2 pm depending on if I had a snack and when I take my walk. Amount of dinner is dependent on what I had for lunch and how much work I had to do when I got home.

Things to note:

  • I didn’t start this program for weight loss. I could stand to lose 10 pounds, but who doesn’t. I am happy with my size and don’t even own a scale or weigh on a regular basis. If my clothes feel good and I feel good….all is good!
  • I eat low carb most of the time. I don’t deny myself something yummy when I really want it. It is a lifestyle but I am not militant about it (unless I need to drop some weight after holidays/vacation).
  • I stopped going to the gym about the same time I started using Morning Complete. This was due to tons of work I needed to do on my house remodel. My joints and back/hip haven’t bothered me much but it could be due to other factors. I do get a decent amount of exercise and rarely sit except for during working hours.

Conclusion; I have decided to stay on Morning Complete for several reasons. First, I enjoy not being reliant on breakfast and still feeling satisfied. I don’t have to cook breakfast! Time saver, woohoo! Second, I feel good, plain and simple. I’m 49 and that is a huge plus. Lastly, I feel the science behind the product is good.

The almighty SPARK!

When was the last time you felt the spark for someone? Did you start dating the person who you felt the spark for? Was it mutual? Did the relationship work out? Do you chase after the next spark? How quickly does the spark fade? How often does the spark grow into a bonfire? Is this “spark” something you can explain?

I had dinner with Mel last night. He told me he didn’t feel a spark for me, that was what the problem was. This is what I thought it was all along, so this is nothing new. What did come to light is how he compared me, and everyone else to Darla when we met. He probably continued to do it until a couple of months ago. I will have to ask him. Now he compares every woman he meets to me. This is a recipe for disaster. I’m not sure if he sees it, but I do. Will either of us find someone else if we keep comparing? Will either of us feel “the spark” for someone new with the comparisons? I think this is what happened between Mel and I. He was looking for someone better than Darla, but I am not better than Darla, I am different than Darla. Like Mel said last night, he and I look perfect on paper….politics, religion, retirement, business, fun, acceptance, finances….but he doesn’t feel “the spark”. He feels sexual desire for me but not the spark. He doesn’t want to have sex with me because he knows it will change everything. What he may not be considering is that everything will change when I go back to dating. I will have to give him up because the comparisons will have to stop. As long as he is filling part of what I need (from my future love), I will not find a man to fill the empty places I need him to fill. There are only a few options that I can see:

* We part ways
* We have sex and everything is fantastic
* We have sex and part ways
* We part ways and Mel feels the spark for me

I can only remember one time in the last 25 years that I have felt a real spark. It was with truck driver Matt a few years ago. The chemistry and magnetism were so strong, my skin felt electrified, I could hardly breathe, let alone put two words together. The first time and every time he touched me, it was amazing. I could have died a happy woman in his arms. That lasted 3 months and it burned out. I cried everyday for 3 months after we broke up. This is life.

People grow on me. Do I think my feelings for Mel are real? Yes, because I know him, I trust him, I feel safe with him. I have fun with him. I think for the most part, he wants to make me happy and he does make me happy. Life is complicated and if I can’t make him happy then I need to be on my way….spark or no spark.

“The closer we get to what we truly desire, the more obstacles we place in its way.”

No decision is a decision

We met almost a year ago. We hit it off. You were sleeping with your business partner who turned out to be your girlfriend. If you are sleeping with someone and you want a future with them….they are called “girlfriend”. I asked and you were honest. Thank you for that, I could make a decision based on truth.

Why did I continue to see you when I knew you were emotionally and physically attached to someone else? You stirred something inside me that had been dormant. I put you in the “friend zone” because there were two choices; friend zone or goodbye. There have been windows of time we crossed the “friend” line, but not so much that things changed.

You have been my friend, my helper, my travel buddy, my cheerleader, my encourager, my thought provoker, my inspiration, and my sounding board. You have listened to me rattle on about whatever book I am reading, whatever crazy idea I might have, how I want to change my life, my plans to find freedom, retirement, what is going on in my family, my struggles, and the longings of my heart. You have given me a strong hand to hold, tight hugs, and a place to relax when my house was torn apart.

You have provided me so many opportunities for fun. Road trips for cars, parts, trades. Camping in a tiny trailer to look at old trailers. Evenings at nice restaurants, drinks at dives. You meeting my friends and family, my meeting your friends and family. Car shows, parks, garage sales, swap meets. I love your bugs, buses, and all the partly assembled vehicles sitting around in an organized fashion.

What was dormant in me? My entrepreneurial spirit. The thought of being able to start something great, come up with ideas, and eventually execute was buried deep where it was left when I got divorced. I was in survival mode for a few years, on to building a new life, and finally to stability and security. Now I have room to think outside the box and you have helped me expand it.

September 2018 is here and as we talked about future travels and endeavors I realized we have to stop doing this. We are not together, we are not a couple. We are both very single now, but there is no “together” in sight for us. We drew a line in the sand on Monday….to date or not to date each other? I am willing to give it a try, but you are not. The tide came in and the line is gone. You say you might make the decision when I get back from Italy. I told you that you don’t ever have to make a decision, eventually the decision might be made for you. No decision is a decision.

The stakes are high. I laid down my cards and opened my heart to you twice. Both times my cards have been left on the table. I can feel the risk and my own fear and excitement. I feel the twinges of rejection, but maybe it is just disappointment. I haven’t allowed myself to dream of a future with you. I have dreamed of a future in the right relationship. I do love you, but I am not in love with you. I’m lucky for that! It was my hope that dating would stoke the fire.

November will come and I will pick up my cards. I may not be willing to gamble at your table any longer. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know that as I search for the right relationship, I might have to. Time will tell and I believe things will fall into place as they should. Maybe you find your person that fills your empty spots and loves you for you. I hope to do the same. Maybe it is you and me, maybe it is not. I love you just the way you are, I appreciate you, I am proud of you, you make me smile. You are a good man, you are a unique person, you are a builder, you are smart, you love people, you love process. May you always be you! XO

Will you know it when you see it?

As I make this journey in the dating world, I wonder often if I will know it when I see it. What will I know? What is it I will see? Will we both see “it” at the same time?

I have a friend, Trisha, that met her soulmate on a plane. He sat down next to her and they started talking. She said after a few minutes she just wanted to lay her head on his shoulder and say, “there you are!” Did he know on the airplane too? Here it is years later and they are getting married. They are so cute together. When she shares her story, she lights up. How did she know he was the one?

I have met some people in the last several years of dating that “felt” right. I didn’t think, “this is the ONE” but I knew they felt different than the people I had met and couldn’t flee fast enough. Was it their energy, their smile, their voice, their eyes, our conversation, or the questions they asked? What was it?

I’ve learned recently finding a kindred spirit doesn’t make a romantic relationship. Is two people looking for and focusing on the same thing where the creation starts? Do you have to be looking for your person to find them? I’ve heard women talk about meeting men that said they would never marry again, then behold, they produce a ring and get married. When do we listen to what is said? When do we throw that out and think they will marry again?

In October of 2017 I decided I wanted to marry again. My wounds had healed, my broken parts were beautifully put back together, my heart was open, and I felt a soft longing. I was longing for a deep connection, a man to build a future with, fun, security, trust, and a plan to forge forward into the great unknown…..together. Yes, I used the word “together”.

Will I recognize the right man when I see him? Will he feel right from the start? Will he be looking for the same thing as me? I am looking for a great man to share a great relationship. While I have found great men, the relationship part hasn’t happened. My journey will continue until I find it. Until then, I will just keep looking!

Morning 2

My second morning on Morning Complete by ActivatedYou.

I was really hungry the rest of day 1, yesterday. I was also extremely sleepy in the afternoon. I got home from work and took a 1.5 hour nap. I had a little to eat before I went to dance class. I didn’t eat much when I got home around 9. I took a shower and went to bed.

This morning, I had my drink and left for work. I wasn’t hungry at all until about 11 am, but I was in a meeting so I had a couple sips of a coworker’s coffee with cream and natural sweetener (monk fruit I think). I had a couple cheese sticks when I got back to my desk at noon. I went for a walk at 12:30 and after, I had the rest of my lunch around 2 pm (fish, tomato, cucumber, avocado).

My day 2 evening was a total bust. My daughter left some amazing cake pops in my fridge. Yes, those cake pops were devoured then I wasn’t hungry for dinner. I did some running around and went to bed at a good hour.

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