I know I probably shot myself in the foot yesterday by eating some sugary treats for dinner. Though I had a good night’s sleep and took my drink this morning. I didn’t have any morning hunger pains until around 9 am. I had about 10 almonds and a cup of tea. I notice I do need a cup of tea or coffee midmorning for the caffeine. I haven’t had my morning coffee since I started the new routine. I had a few more almonds and a cheese stick at noon, before I went for my walk. After my walk I had some fish, a tomato, and an avocado. At dinner I had some cheese, cured meat, berries, and nuts. It wasn’t much and I was hungry later so I had some eggs, bacon, and an avocado.
A winner!
The title, “A winner”, is one I have struggled with for days. I met a man that was a winner for me for a period of time. One day I hope to find, “The winner”, who will be my person and fill my empty places.
I met Greg around the middle of October. We met on a dating site where we both swiped right. I was lured by his bright eyes, boyish grin, and his open profile. We met at a wine bar close to me and I saw him through the window before I walked in. He was bald (I love bald men), tall, and well built. He was taking off his flat cap and coat as I walked across the street. I recognized him immediately. We hugged and I sat down. We had an instant connection and I felt safe, secure, and excited. It was so nice to meet a grown up who had his life in order, was really single, and had a full social life.
Greg and I had some really great times together. He was a kind man who followed through on what he said. His eyes sparkled when he spoke and he had an easy smile. We liked to spend time together and he allowed me to be playful. He introduced me to his friends and took me to some wonderful parties with some wonderful people. I could see us fitting into each other’s lives without a huge disruption to either of us. Things were flowing along, he met my friends. I was very happy.
For reasons beyond my control, Greg got stressed out and told me he couldn’t see me any more. He needed to concentrate on kids, friends, and work. I graciously accepted this and wished him the best. We both had started looking ahead to what we could actually be in the future. I worked through my fears and my thoughts of running away, he didn’t. Maybe there was more to it. Maybe I overshared, maybe it was 100 other things. The bottom line; it did not work out.
What I did take away from my time with him is that I deserve a good man, Greg was a good man. I can be valued for who I am not what I do. I don’t have to over function. I am sexy and fun, a free spirit with a grounded, secure heart. It takes less effort and stress to be in a relationship with a successful, happy, mature man than with an insecure man who doesn’t know what he wants. Good men are nice, warm, and not scary at all. My picker works!
Am I tortured?
Last night I went out with a friend, yes, it was my nerdy neighbor, Mel. He is back in my life after I told him in February I couldn’t see him anymore because I had developed feelings for him. I got over the fact that I laid my cards down and he didn’t pick them up. For whatever the reason, I am a no go. This tells me he is not my guy. After all, I read the book, “He’s Just Not that Into You.” Mel is not into me so there is no reason to convince him or myself otherwise. It really pisses a couple of my friends off that what we have between us is fun, flirty, and sexy (sometimes). Let’s mix in a healthy dose of great friendship, rapport, support, acceptance, openness, and platonic love. Still, with all of this, there is not a romantic relationship. I do ponder this myself sometimes and think that it would be easy and comfortable to be in a relationship with him. Then the pendulum swings back and I know he is not my person. Could he be my person; maybe.
Back to last night. Mel got his VW bus running and picked me up from work. He drove me around and it was so cool! We had Korean food for dinner from a food cart he knew of. We sat at picnic tables and enjoyed our food. It was a lovely afternoon/evening. We left and headed to my house. We had a glass of wine on the deck and we talked. The question he asked me was very interesting. “Why do you hangout with me if you know this will never go anywhere? Why would you torture yourself like that?” My response was “torture?” His phone rang and we lost a bit of the moment. I answered the reason I hang out with him; he is fun and he challenges me. He helps to open my mind to possibilities I may not consider. I asked him why he spends time with me knowing it is never going anywhere? His response, “I get bored sometimes so I see what you are doing.” Wow, a bit of a slap in the face! I don’t think I am a relief for his boredom, all the time. First, I don’t think he gets that bored. He has a home and cars to tinker with all the time. Second, I think he enjoys my company and that he can say anything he wants to me. Later, after more thought, I told him I spend time with him because I feel accepted and loved just the way I am. I don’t have to hide my flaws.
As far as torture, I would be torturing myself if I thought I could convince him to feel something for me he doesn’t or I thought I could win his heart. I don’t believe either of those things. I believe what I believe about most relationships; if it is meant to be, it will be!
Morning 1
I received my shipment of ActivatedYou yesterday. I chose to purchase the Morning Complete. I opened the product last night to see how it tasted and looked. It does taste a little sweet but I am not sure about green apple flavor.
Why did I order 3 bottles of this product?
The straight answer is; I have been hearing how eating breakfast isn’t always the best thing for our bodies. I am a big breakfast eater. I rarely go without my eggs, cheese, meat, veggies, and coffee first thing in the morning. Maggie Q’s infomercial convinced me to give this a try. This morning I got up, had my Morning Complete, and started my day.
Weekdays I wake at 5:30 and head to the kitchen to have breakfast. I usually have a pre-prepared breakfast which is usually some kind of egg bake with meat and veggies. In anticipation of receiving my product, I didn’t prep my breakfast for the week. I got up this morning and drank the drink. It is almost 8:30 now and I am not dying of starvation. I will need to get a cup of tea with caffeine since I didn’t have my morning java either. I am yawning like crazy and could take a nap.
I will measure my waist and hips this evening, just for the heck of it. I will measure each week to see if there is any change. I don’t plan to alter my low carb eating habits. The only change I am taking on is no breakfast or coffee until 10 am. I will start with 10 then see if I can go longer.
Here is the link to the product: https://activatedyou.com/morning-complete/
NOTE: I was working out on a regular basis but have slacked off since I spend all my time working on my house. I plan to get back to the gym soon.
Less is more?
Is less the new more? When I got divorced I moved what I could into my little apartment and rented a storage unit. I think the unit was 4x8x8 and I had it stuffed to the top. Part of my feelings of security was in the stuff shoved into that room. When I moved into the next apartment, I had a little more room, so part of the stuff came out of storage. And so it went until I was able to afford a place big enough to keep most of it inside with a very small storage area on the deck. Throughout the years there were some things I left behind; 7′ lit Christmas tree, half my patio furniture, and a few other items here and there.
When I moved into my last apartment with the little storage room, I realized I probably didn’t need to keep ALL the Christmas decorations I had been toting around. I had never had all the things out for the last 5 years. I also whittled down my books to a mere 6 boxes.
I bought my house in August of 2015. It was a LONG way from move in so I had 2 months to get my things ready to move. BUT, I also had a lot of work to do at the new place. My new house was twice as big as my apartment….wow, I could stack all my sh*t inside! My mom came to help me get moved and she was shocked how much stuff I had stashed in my apartment. In the new place, it looked like it had doubled. It was spread out all over the place. When I moved into that apartment, I moved on Friday and had company over on Sunday. Everything had been put away quickly.
This move was different. I still had a lot of work to do before everything could find a real home. I had stuff stacked in the basement, in the living room, in the bedrooms. The only places that were ready to roll were the kitchen and bathroom. I was planning on renting out the largest bedroom so that one was perfect and clutter free. The rest….disaster! A month in my house it looked like Goodwill and Home Depot both exploded inside. It was a crazy time but I found places for everything (all those boxes of stuff). I was going to rent the garage out, so I didn’t stack anything in there. I rented my basement out also. I had a 2076 sq.ft. house but I used 1,236 sq.ft. I shared living space with another person also. I had the equivalent of one bedroom to myself and a bunch of stuff stored in the other sloping ceiling room and storage room.
The first year in the house I updated the basement; it’s rented. Second year, I anticipated a remodel upstairs. I had all this space with a sharply pitched roof so the space you could stand in it was very little. I had a bunch of stuff stored in the area that you had to crawl to. The remodel created the need to downsize the stuff. My garage was rented and I knew I had too much stuff. I had to mentally let go of whatever had kept me moving the stuff for 7 years. Was it a sense of security, of not wanting to let go of the person I used to be, or not giving up the happy or painful memories that those things carried?
Five large tote bins of fabric….first to go. Hard, yes! Gradifing, yes! Then I went through my shoes; 10 pairs gone. Half my clothes, gone. Tons of other things. Last Christmas my daughter hosted Christmas in her house for the first time. I took 90% of the decorations and left them there. Will a couple of the things ever make it back into my house? There’s a 50/50 chance.
The remodel is almost complete. I haven’t looked at most of the stuff that has been in the garage for over 6 months. It is easy to say that I probably don’t need most of it. It will be harder to let go of it. Several boxes are filled with pictures of my kids and keepsakes. The pictures will be getting digitized when the rain starts again and each of the kids will get a disk and their share of the hard copies. The keepsakes I’ll go through and see if any of them can make their way into the light so I can look at them. If the kids want some of the items, they can store them. I will take pictures of some items then donate them.
The thought of less stuff and more space does make me feel good. Less stuff is more mental clarity, more physical space, more emotional relaxation, and more spiritual trust. Less is more!
First steps to less
I have known for several years that I can’t make it another 15 years doing what I am doing. I hope to make it two more years where I am so I can be vested in my current job. Time will tell and my game plan may change.
I have been on a journey to learn to live with less. I scoured Pinterest to figure out how to fit more into my space. The reality is, I just need less stuff. I got rid of a bunch of stuff last year; piles of books, half my clothes, tons of shoes, boxes of fabric, and knick knacks that meant little to me. I still have a long way to go. My daughter is going to have a garage sale this summer and I am going to take many things there. Whatever doesn’t sell will be donated.
I read some blogs and listened to some podcasts on how stuff holds you back mentally. Some said I haven’t found my person because I have too much stuff (mental and emotional clutter). I look around my house and see many things I have hanging around that are left from my marriage or ex-boyfriends. Those things will be going to the garage sale. I don’t have room for the memories they bring unless they bring me joy (like my kids). Mentally and emotionally I need to cleanse my space.
I am in the middle of a remodel gone bad. There is stuff sitting everywhere and on top of that, my daughter just moved home from college (with all of her stuff)! We are sharing a room and it is cozy. Construction is moving forward now and I hope I am in the new room in a month. All of the things for the remodel are in various places around the house and garage. This makes me feel very unsettled. Another reason to get rid of more things….I don’t really need everything!
Reading books and watching Ted talks only goes so far. I need to do it! I wonder how I got so much stuff in the first place. I guess I thought I needed it or someone got it for me because I needed it. Do you know how hard it is to get rid of stuff someone else bought for you? Ten times worse than trying to get rid of stuff you bought for yourself! I fall prey to the old, “I might need it one day, it might fit one day, I might read it one day, I might do something (knit, sew, create) with it one day.
I read the book, “The Year of Less” last month. I love what she says about keeping things that aren’t who we are right now. We buy the suit because we think we should look more professional. We buy the book because the person we think we should be would want to read it. And on and on. This conveys the idea that we aren’t happy with the person we are right now. Or as Brene Brown says, it keeps us believing we aren’t enough. I need to find the place in my heart, mind, and home where everything that I keep is “enough”. I am “enough” despite what the messages from the outside are telling me.
Cait Flanders, “The Year of Less” author got rid of most of her belonging then set out on a journey for a year to buy very little. She had a list of things she could buy but nothing else. It was a struggle for her on so many levels. When shopping, I have to ask myself the question, “do I need this right now?” Likely the answer is NO! She saved a ton of money and realized she still had more than what she needed. I have a goal to use up all the stuff I have before I get anything else….like that lotion that smells good or the Dawn soap on sale. DO NOT BUY IT! Sit tight, use up what I have and go to the store when I am one use from being out (I don’t do this when it comes to toilet paper). The clothes don’t serve me if I don’t wear them, if I don’t look good in them, if I don’t feel great in them. Why am I keeping them? Scarcity mindset?
Scarcity
Hoarding
Abundance
Enough
What do these words mean to my life? Scarcity; do I hold on to things because I think I won’t be able to afford more? Hoarding; do I keep all of them because I like them/it and can’t release them to a new owner? Abundance; do things overflow in my life? Enough; do I rest easy knowing I have everything I need and not too much?
I just realized I will have to come back to my deeper thoughts on these things.
So, these few things to set me on my way to realizing I need to make white space in my life.
Dark year – part 2
When I let Tris back into my life it was near the holidays. I spent time with him but it was different. Yes, he seemed more into me and accessible. There was something I noticed that hadn’t been there before….oh wait, it had been there and I didn’t see it. Tris drank a lot and often. I noticed that 99% of our time together was about drinking. I told him I would like to do something fun with him besides going out or staying in drinking.
One afternoon he planned for us to go for a hike. It was starting to rain, it was getting dark, he didn’t know where the trail head was, there wasn’t a place to park. He told me he had everything together. We got most of the way up the trail and it started to rain, not a big deal since I had rain gear on. Then darkness was upon us. The trail close to a steep ravine so we stopped to pull out the flashlights he had packed. I was relieved since I was having a hard time seeing the trail. We turned on the flashlights and they quickly faded and went dark.
I was anxious and scared. I was angry that I wasn’t safe and it was because I trusted someone that was untrustworthy. I know he could feel my fear and anger. By the time we got back to the vehicle I was cold and exhausted. I was ready to cry and scream at the same time. I know he felt I wasn’t OK even though I was trying to be encouraging while we were on the trail. I wanted to get to safety. Now we were safe and I was quiet. He took the opportunity to blame everything on someone or something. I told him it was OK, I was just glad we were safe. I told him I had been scared. He discounted my feelings and said I had nothing to be afraid of. I dropped it. He knew how to play the guilt card and I ended up with guilt for feeling scared.
I was seeing a counselor by this time and I had just started dance classes. I had also purchased an ebook by Rori Raye. I devoured the book twice. I started to understand part of what felt bad to me in my marriage. I also started to recognize what wasn’t working with Tris. Besides his alcohol consumption and our trust issues, I also started to see he wanted me to take care of his feelings. By sharing his feelings all the time, I had very little outlet to share mine. He was the center of the relationship since we were always dealing with his shit. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any of my own, but his were always more important, deeper, harder.
Christmas was coming soon and my kids were coming up for a few days. Tris was going to see his daughter in LA and he was going to fly. Guess what? He had a fear of flying! BUT, he got on the plane to see his daughter and did just fine. BUT, he couldn’t get on the plane to come back. This meant he wouldn’t make it to the plans we had for Christmas. I was pissed off. We were supposed to go to his friend’s house for the day. I had no time to plan for an alternative, so, kids in tow, we went to a home full of people I didn’t know. The people were nice and apologetic. They welcomed the whole family. My kids were NOT happy at all. It did go down in history as a crazy thing mom made them do. We could have sat in my apartment all day, but to me that was losing.
The day after Christmas, Tris gets back on the bus. One of his friends picks him up at the bus station since I still had my kids. Following morning we all (Tris’ friends and me) get together for breakfast. Tris is cold and doesn’t apologize for not getting on the plane. He talks and talks about how horrible the bus ride was traveling during Christmas and how it is so hard to have a problem flying. He starts to cry at the table. I don’t make any effort to soothe him, we all just say that it was really sad. The hostess at the Christmas party starts to talk about how nice and sweet my kids were. How she enjoyed having us. Tris didn’t like that at all. She just took the spotlight off him and put it on me. I could feel his anger. I tried to diffuse by thanking her for having us to her home even though she didn’t know us. Tris looks at me and asks if I am going to blame him for a bad Christmas. I assure him it wasn’t a bad Christmas, I just wish he had been back for it. The tension is building and I want to get out of there. I rode with Tris and when we got in his vehicle he exploded. He wanted an apology from me. He said I was cold and not understanding of his situation. I told him I had my own feelings around the situation and was pissed about the way it was so easy for him to blow off our plans for Christmas but he was able to fly to see his daughter. He got even more angry. He called me selfish and uncaring. I told him I didn’t want to dance to this music anymore. I was done. When he dropped me at the car he almost drove away before I was completely out.
I was done….finished. He wanted me to be the masculine, I wanted to be the feminine. We both couldn’t be feminine at the same time. Tension….for us it caused tension, and not the good time. I could see it and I wasn’t willing to keep doing it. In a different way than my husband did it, this man wanted me to be the masculine. Nope, I am the girl. It was many months before I saw Tris again. He tried to apologize but I wouldn’t take the bait. The years have passed and we have remained acquinances.
He did stop drinking after one or two DUIs. I saw him a couple months ago. As I sat across the table from him, I thanked God I didn’t let him spoil my life. I thanked God I had grown and healed. I am thankful for the lessons learned and the ones I am still learning. Soon after our parting years ago I met my friend, Ella, that would help bring light into the darkness. I started to let people back into my life, I started to make friends that I still have now. I’m thankful, grateful, happy, and relieved.
Dark year
I had a friend that lived near where I got my job in the Portland area. We had worked at my parents’ winery together. Tris was supportive and caring during my divorce, move, parental rejection, and new job ordeal, but looking back, he was not ready for a relationship. I was sad, lonely, needy….suffice to say, it was not a good combination. My first time out in the relationship world for 19 years! Sex and time together, does that make a relationship? Despite my best efforts to convince him to love me, I saw his truck parked in front of someone’s house on one of my very early morning walks. I was devastated. I begged him for an answer and when the truth was told, this was how he left women. He would get drunk and sleep with someone new. The sting and hurt were crushing.
I took to online dating. I look back now and see how painfully damaged I was. The only type of people I would attract would be those that would hurt me. I plowed ahead and met two nice men. I was not equipped to date two men at the same time! They were so different and had good hearts. One of the men, Ted, had passive aggressive tendencies. It was easy to recognize since I was only a couple years away from my ex. He would pull me in, then push me away when he didn’t get the exact answer he wanted or a text/call back immediately from me. He was a little flashy for me and one of the cool kids. I’m sure he was seeing plenty of women besides me but he acted like he wanted my undivided attention. We always had a fun time together but I didn’t think we had a future. We remained friends for a few years and are still acquaintances today.
The other man, Ed, was older. He was and is the most senior to my age that I have dated. I was 41 at the time and he was 55. He had kids the same age as mine so he seemed youthful and was active. We communicated a lot online before meeting. We shared and revealed a lot of ourselves before even speaking on the phone. I remember back to the day I was going to meet him. It was probably the most nervous I ever was at a first meeting. I rushed home from work to change my clothes. I wore a little spaghetti strap denim dress and a pair of sandals. The dress hugged my curves in a sweet way. I was so nervous I felt like Bambi taking his first walk on shaky legs. Needless to say, our first meeting was a success. He walked me home and we had our first kiss. I felt very comfortable with this man….and I felt safe and scared at the same time. Safe because I trusted him, scared because I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself. I told him I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship until I felt comfortable and until we decided to have a relationship.
Fast forward 4 months; Ed takes me to his family’s beach cottage over a holiday weekend. After much discussion on the way to the beach, we decide to solidify our relationship. We had so much fun that long weekend. I remember thinking this could be it, this could be my guy. I was happy and content, ready to tell Ted that I couldn’t see him anymore and settle in with Ed.
Then crazy comes back around, Tris tells me he wants me back, he realizes how much he misses me and how he feels about me. What? This person pushed all my buttons of pain and self-doubt. I physically hurt when he did what he did. Again, I have a hard time seeing two men at the same time. Tris knew exactly how to play on my heart strings, he knew exactly what to say to make me take him back. He knew how to play his cards to make it feel OK that he treated me the way he did.
So I did the unthinkable, I let him creep back into my life. At the same time, I let Ed go. Ed was devastated. I was too! I played the push pull in my mind for several days. My head hurt, my body ached, and I felt like I made a mistake. Hindsight is 20/20 and that was a mistake. Not to say that things could have worked out with Ed in the long run, but at the time, it would have been the healthier choice. Thing is, my body knew it. I was bold one afternoon and showed up where Ed worked and asked him to take me back. He was reluctant, as he should be. I was a mess!
Ed did take me back but Tris was always in the background….playing with my mind and heart. I should have severed ties but I didn’t. He would say things like, “how do you know if I’ve changed if you don’t give me a chance?” He actually made me feel guilty for not giving him a chance. At the same time, Ed’s son moved into his house. Ed hadn’t had a kid full time in his house for years. It changed him. He complained about what a disappointment his son was. He complained and complained….it was a real downer. Our fun times at his house turned into a “wait and see if his son comes home” game. It was difficult to feel turned on and happy when it was constant complaining. He even said if he could do it all over again, he wouldn’t have kids. He was too selfish. It finally came to a head and I told him I couldn’t take the energy drain with his complaining. He walked out……and I let Tris back in.