To my lovely, smart, focused, and determined niece,

I sat yesterday and watched you accept your master’s degree. The beautiful hall was filled with energy and buzz. The room had so many features, though my eyes were drawn to the massive pipe organ. At 5 pm, once the player of the organ was arranged in her robes, the pipe organ started and the procession began. Your smile could have lit the room. I was overwhelmed by your accomplishment. The word “proud” doesn’t do justice. I was taken back to the days when your hair reminded me of a copper penny. You were a sweet and cautious little girl. You have always been as smart as a whip and in your growth, you learned to temper it with humbleness. Fanfare has never been your thing, or so it seems.

I have been thinking of you much in the days since I had lunch with you. As always, you were planning ahead. So much like your dad (he’s my brother and I do the same things). You were planning for your new life and job. You really are starting the next chapter of your life. It might not seem like it now, but when you look back 10, 20, or 5 years from now, you will see it. You may wonder where the time has gone and how you came to the decisions you made and the directions you took. Many decisions are made because of where we have come from; family, religion, and pressure. I am here to tell you, let the pressure off. Rethink the things you think you know and the things you have been told. I’ve been here for 49 years and my mind is still expanded every single day. Yes, I look for it, I am curious of it, and life is a wonderful place to discover oneself.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill. The keynote speaker said this yesterday and it is true. Life is a learning journey. I want you to know a couple of the most important things in life; don’t ever change who you are and don’t ever compromise what you believe is right. Who you are is a daily discovery. When your heart wants to leap with love or retreat out of fear; ask yourself why. I mean; place it in your hand and look at it, ask the questions. When you feel fear, do the same thing. Question often why you believe a thing is right or wrong. You will gain perspective.

Now for a few of my favorite things….ok, a few of the things I want to share that have changed my life. First though, I love you! Doesn’t matter what you do, where you end up, how messed up your life gets, I love you. You don’t have to perform for me or fit in a certain mold, I love you for being you.

1. When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was he listed two. First, love the lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. AND, love your neighbor as yourself. Both of these are about relationships. Our first call is to have a relationship with THE Father. He is our heavenly Father and we are the apple of his eye. He loves us so much and in return, we also love him. People often forget the other one; love your neighbor as yourself. Why do we need to love others? It expands us as people and we are called to be Christ-like. We cannot judge others and truly love them where they are. I don’t believe that we must be close to all those in our life. Those that love you, are supportive, and challenge you to be a better you, that is who gets to hang around. The others, keep them at arm-length.
2. “Being with the wrong person will keep you from finding the right person.” Veronica, my friend since 4th grade, said this when we were shopping one day as she was telling the story of almost missing out on Bill, her hubby, because she was with a man who wasn’t her equal and wasn’t who she really needed in her life. I think about this often in my dating life. If I choose ______, then I drastically reduce my other choices.
3. Along the same lines; your spouse or companion in life can make or break you. Recently, we saw how your cousin’s wife almost ruined his career. The wrong spouse can break you financially. There are so many areas where this is true. Choose wisely and carefully. A question to ask yourself; does this person make my life bigger (expands it) or makes it smaller (recedes it)? Life is big and there is so much to see, experience, and learn. There are so many people to meet and learn from.
4. If you want to be successful, spend time around those that are more successful than yourself. I have friends that complain about almost everything. They complain about their job, the cost of housing, relationships, you name it. The problem is; they don’t want to do anything to fix it or make it better. These people will suck the life out of you. The more positive you are and are focused on solving problems, the more you will hear how people complain. Spend small amounts of time with them, not a lot of time. Surround yourself with people who are positive, focused, and think outside the box. Surround yourself with people who cheer for you and challenge you.
5. Have fun! For heaven sakes, if you can’t have fun, why bother! Play, dance, let your spirit be free. This will keep you healthy, upbeat, and happy. It is so important to play and to play with the one you love. This is how you bond. I didn’t have too many of these times when I was married. We did a lot of things with the kids but we rarely had any good playful fun alone. Be playful and silly. This requires you to be vulnerable. If you haven’t read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, I highly recommend it. Her other book, “Daring Greatly” is a must.
6. Spend time alone. Write in a journal. Make peace with who you are. Get counselling if you need it. Ask for help. During my hardest years, I had a lot of time alone getting to know myself. I needed to make peace with myself because I had guilt. Guilt comes in all sort of shapes and sizes. It comes from well-meaning people and we do it to ourselves. I wrote a lot in my journal and went to counselling. When I got past all that junk, I threw away the journals. Whenever I looked at them, I would feel triggered and sad. So, one day, I threw them away. Boom, the past is over! On to a new page!
7. Give respect and demand (earn) respect. If someone doesn’t respect you, get away from them. Don’t attack the person but the action. Believe what a person says to you, but always look for their actions. If their actions tell a different story than their lips, actions always win. This goes for boundaries. Boundaries give us a lot of freedom, which I have learned through trial and error. Our self-set limits for certain things in life release us to live within them. Question your boundaries often but when someone pushes your limits, stand strong. Question later.
8. Have great friends. I mean, really deep, soulful friends. Share who you really are and if they leave, they aren’t real friends. I picture my friendships like a pyramid. There are very few in the top tier, but those are my deep, kindred spirit friends. The next tier are my good friends. I still feel the need to censure sometimes with this group but not often. The third tier are friends that I love to see, but not very often. They are too busy or I have found, at times, to be judgemental. The bottom tier are acquaintances. I know “of” these people but only casually. Usually I run into them at a party or when I am out. All of the friends from each tier can drift between the tiers. I have a friend that was top tier but isn’t anymore. One that was at the bottom who I started spending more time with and she rose up. We have seasons in our lives and there should always be growth. If we are growing, our friends may change if they aren’t growing with us or vise versa.
9. Live life from an abundance mindset not from scarcity. There is more than enough love to go around, friends, happiness, joy, work, and fun. When we live from scarcity there is competition, hard feelings, and drama. Abundance is beautiful.
10. Choose joy and happiness. These really are choices. You might have dark days and times. Choosing happiness changes your mindset and it changes your life.
11. Find ways to be creative. Dance, sing, paint, garden, do pottery, write, knit, build something, work on a car, or whatever. You get the idea.
12. Be brave! Many times it isn’t in doing the thing good or right, it is in the bravery it takes just to do/try it. Be brave, point your chin up, smile, and go! Here is a big one….say what you feel. It takes bravery to be the first one to say “I love you” or “I am sorry”. You will never regret saying the things that can build connection. You might be rejected, but you will live and you will live richly. Speaking up isn’t always easy or pretty. When you desire something or something needs to change, say it.
13. Love without the need to be loved back. This one can be a challenge, but when we love without expectation to be loved back, it gives us a freedom to love freely. This is closely related to “love your neighbor as yourself”. I think of this as a deeper part of this neighborly love. There will be times when the people closest to you may not “deserve” your love, but love them without expecting them to return it. Your kids won’t love you for the first couple years of their life, but our hearts love them with the most pure love possible….unconditional love. Again, you can love someone even if the best place to keep them is far away. AND love yourself….you can only love others as deeply as you love yourself.

I could probably go on and on. Here are a couple more….find beauty in everything, have “ahhhh” moments, talk to strangers, don’t be a snob, things are just things, dirt washes off, and most things can be cleaned. You, my dear, are unique and never live less than your wonderful uniqueness. You are enough and you are worthy! I love you!

Aunt Tracy

I have been dating for more years than I want to count. My kids were younger when I started the process but I don’t recall ever making a lot of comments about them in my profile. Now I make some comment about having grown children or that I am a mostly empty nester. I have viewed thousands of profiles and I have a little advice for those people with kids.

1. Limit the number of pictures of you with your kids. We all know your kids are darling and you have a ton of fun together. We don’t need to see them with you in every picture. We don’t need to see you holding them when they were babies (and now they are 15). Old family pictures….also a no-no. Off subject, any picture that shows you in a wedding ring, keep it off your dating profile.
2. Using the term “kids always come first”. As a parent myself, my kids are my number one concern. The part “always” is hard for me to swallow. I want to pull at my hair and ask these people if they have lived through the teenage years (and beyond)? It can get dicey and demanding, or should I say, they (the kids) get that way. When I have plans, dates with men or plans with my friends, then my kids call at the last minute and want to get together; guess what, I don’t cancel my plans. My kids know the flip side is always true also, I never make promises or plans with them that I don’t keep. Plus as parents, I don’t feel the need to say this phrase, it is a given.
3. I saw this one today, “my daughter always wins”. Wow, makes me want to have a long term relationship with this guy! Playing second fiddle is not enticing, and to a daughter at that. My kids don’t always win. I always win. I do what is best for my relationships, otherwise I would be left empty handed, no friends and mad, self-centered kids.
4. Meeting the kids. People have lots of different takes on this. If a long term relationship is the goal, after a couple months of steady dating, I think it is ok to meet the kids. Not on their turf or mine; maybe at ice cream, the park, bowling. This is good for younger kids. My kids are older so I am cool with them meeting anyone that they cross paths with in regular life. My kids are fine with knowing their mother is dating.

A tip for those with grandchildren….please let us know those kiddos in your pictures are grands. It gets a little confusing for those of us looking for empty nesters.