Yes, you heard me right! Do I keep dating my dad? Ok, not dating my dad, just men like him. Men that are financially stable, successful, professional, have their life together AND don’t have time. I remember growing up and my dad was at work a lot. He was building a successful electronics business through most of the 70s and the 80s. We would see him at dinner most nights but that was it. He would go back to work until we were in bed. I remember my mom being unhappy about this arrangement. As my brother and I got older she would say things like, “your dad’s business comes first and we come second.” I never felt this way, probably because my mom was always available. I did hear grumblings often. My mom would get mad at my dad, I believe mostly out of frustration, since she felt the sting of being second fiddle. It is hard to be jealous of the business that is providing a very nice life for your family.

Fast forward to my adult years and my marriage. I married just after my 23rd birthday. I thought I was a grown up, life was starting, I was making my own decisions. I look back and see I was doing what was expected of me. A rat in a maze. I thought I was marrying someone different from my dad. Someone that would adore me, put me first, and be interested in me. A person to build a life with, to be intimately involved. Soon after the wedding, the deep talks, sharing, and adoration faded. Snuggles and talks were replaced with TV and emotional distance. Within 6 months I wondered what had I done. There wasn’t a way out. “What God has joined together, let no man (or woman) put asunder.” I won’t get into all that happened but what I have come to realize is that my marriage failed from neglect. We went through the motions, had 3 wonderful children together, worked together, and had a home together. What we lacked was emotional connection.

The first months of my marriage were filled with tears and frustration. I begged for attention, connection, intimacy, and that sweet place where only he and I existed. The TV was the other woman. Neither of us were ever unfaithful with other people. Does being unfaithful need to involve another person? Can you be unfaithful by putting something else first in your life that makes your marriage (relationship) suffer? Some dads feel this when a baby comes into the home. If a woman doesn’t refocus during this time, the man feels second. I can fully understand this.

Going back to my parents, I believe their marriage suffered in two ways. My dad worked a lot and put work first. My mom put my brother and I first. I think my mom developed a habit of unhappiness and discontent. My dad found more appreciation at work (and it was easier to check out). Both are amazing people; smart, driven, responsible, fun, reliable. Both like to be in control, lack vulnerability, and are passive aggressive. They got divorced after 49 years of marriage. They each knew no other relationship except each other. My mom still struggles finding happiness inside herself. My dad doesn’t have an identity without a business/work. They are both struggling to find their true identity.

It has taken years to figure out who I am, what I want, and what are my deal breakers. The process of dating, counseling, and self-reflection can do a lot in moving a person forward. I read books and blogs on relationships and have “ahh” moments often. I keep meeting awesome men that have qualities that appeal to me. The most recent hiccup is the lack of time. Is this a real lack of time to pursue a relationship or just a relationship with me? Do they really want a relationship in the first place? I believe a man is the master of his own ship. He sets his own course. I have a difficult time respecting men (and women) that make excuses. They sound like this, “I wanted to contact you but life got busy.” “I was having some computer issues so I couldn’t message you.” “My evenings are tied up with clients, working out, and friends.” “I’ve been working long hours, like 10 hour days!” What does this scream to me? I THINK I WANT A RELATIONSHIP BUT IT ISN’T A PRIORITY. End of story. Or subconsciously they are going to keep you hanging along until someone better comes along.

I have a girlfriend who uses the line, “he just isn’t that into you.” I have to agree with her. I do believe times can get busy and I do understand, it happens in my own life. Thing is, if it goes on for weeks and months, do I really want a person that has so little time for a relationship? I don’t want the scraps like my mom always said she was getting. I don’t want emotional distance. Earning money and pursuit of success does take time. What success looks like varies from person to person. If the emotional connection wasn’t that important to me, I could look at dollar signs and feel love and connection. I’m not built that way. I want the whole tamale and I’m willing to give the whole tamale.

Back to dating my dad….it takes time to determine if this is happening. I ask men when I meet them if they have time for a relationship. Each one says “YES”. I don’t think they are untruthful, they want to believe they can have it all. They dabble with dating….is it dating if you see someone once a month? One man literally lived around the corner from me. He was working 10 hour days, Monday – Friday. Did he ask to see me for a few minutes once a week? Nope, he was too tied up with work (so he said). Not that into me, lazy, has someone else, or whatever….it became a huge turn off. I learned that inconsistency is a turn off to me. A person could hardly live closer and work closer to me than this guy did. In the end, did it make a difference, no. Time is a commodity we can spend the way we want. We can use it to show our love for another person, to make that person feel important. We can use it to earn a living. We can use it for fun. We can spend it on ourselves, to take care of our bodies, souls, and spirits. We can waste it.

This is where the rubber meets the road. We spend our own time. Do we use it to build relationships or neglect relationships? We each have responsibility for our most precious gift. Can I blame misuse on someone else? Sure, sometimes things make the decision difficult (doctor is running late, train is having issues, car accidents where we need to travel). Really, if we are honest, we waste a lot of time. We can’t blame it on anyone except for ourselves. We make choices and we shouldn’t make excuses.

I took a stand recently with a man who had pursued me but not really. We met only during the day while I was at work. No phone calls or texting and only messages through messenger. I asked point-blank if he was married or was emotionally involved with someone. He said he was not. He didn’t make an effort to see me for weeks on end….just messages. Even those were dead ends over the weekends. I hadn’t seen him for over a month and he messaged me saying he was in the area. He said he finished with a meeting and could stop by to see me. He gave me 15 minutes to respond then headed home. I responded in 20 since I was in a meeting. He said it was his loss since he already left the area. I felt really pissed. I went home and thought it through. The next day I sent him this message:

I have enjoyed our moments together; you are a good man, a smart man, a hot man. I feel sad, disappointed, and pissed off with our communications the last couple days. I feel like I am an afterthought, not valued, or respected. Feeling this way and excuses are not acceptable to me. I am open to continuing our communication only when schedules will allow plans to be made in advance and away from my work. If this isn’t possible, I wish you the best in all of your pursuits.

This was a big deal for me. In the past, I would have ignored him until he just faded away. This man did have potential and I needed to stand up for how I felt and what I needed. In the end, he couldn’t give me a respectable date, a real date. Maybe I am breaking the bonds of my dad. I am a wonderful priority, I am worthy of someone’s time, I love myself enough to spend my time wisely on someone who deserves it.

I’m sitting here contemplating a relationship with a younger man. He has kids, much younger than mine also. This man is charming…not a Greek god and not Vin Diesel. He made me smile from the first few text messages about my ugly concrete porch. My friend dates his dad and I know he is probably a sweetheart too (like father, like son). It sounds weird but we hit it off via text message from the first minutes. How does this happen so easily sometimes?

I met him later that day…Monday. He is cute and witty. He says so many things that touch me, it makes me wonder if this is because there is nothing riding on this except for friendship. What will this be for me? A distraction until someone at the same place in life as me comes along? Someone that can talk to my playful side and heart instinctively without any agenda and reminds me who I am?

As the woman, I let the man lead. I wasn’t sure if he was always like this with possible clients. I stayed aloof but open when we met. I wasn’t sure how this would go. He said he would come to my house and take care of repairing my porch. Wow, really? Do I pay him or kiss him? The next day I thanked him for coming over. We picked up our conversation right away. It has been like this for the last couple days. He asked me out. We settled on something fun for Saturday night.

Here is the thing; I don’t want to hurt this man in even the littlest way. I want to inspire him to be a great man, to be open to his kids, to love without walls, to take care of himself. I want to love this man in the purest way possible (this surprises even me). I want this man to snuggle with me on the sofa and run his fingers through my hair. I want this man to understand, despite these things, I am still looking for a man to fit into my freedom and my lifestyle. If I cross the physical lines with him can we both stay detached enough to fill needs but stay open to others? Can he see that I am in a different place in life? Can he accept I am still looking for a great fit to my life? Can he find the woman of his dreams to be a real mom to his little girl?

I see a man that can be sweet, soft, and fun….and helpful. A man that knows how to be a friend. A man with a hard and dark side. A man with issues. A man that gets it. A man that has been through a lot and has stepped up to the plate. A man that has walls. A man that wants to please. A man that is aware. A man that is fun and playful. A smart man.

Where will this go? This will be part of the river that flows through our lives. Who knows where it will go…the river usually stays on the same path it always has. Will we stay connected? There is no way to know now and there is no reason to look ahead. I plan to let this unfold the way it will….it will have it’s own life and I will let it live.

I came to grips that I am missing tenderness. Yes, I have people in my life. I am not a homebody, an introvert, or an unsocial person. On Saturday evening my dance friends gathered at Jennie’s house. We ate and watched YouTube videos of dances we might like to perform in the future. I sat down next to Lovie and sank into her. Literally, the sofa pushed us together. As if she were my sister (I don’t have one) or one of my children, I found myself snuggling in closer to her. It felt comfortable and warm and Lovie didn’t mind.

Last night I found myself trying to remember the last time someone rubbed my back just because. When was the last time I snuggled with someone on the sofa or in bed? When was someone tender with me or I had the opportunity to be tender to them. I am a person who finds value in touch. Touch helps me feel connected to a person. I call myself a “toucher”. Some people laugh at that description, some people nod because they understand.

Physical touch is my secondary love language. If you haven’t read the book “The 5 Love Languages” I highly recommend it. My primary love language is quality time. That coupled with touch is pure bliss for me. Strolling along holding hands, sitting close to someone in the car, snuggling up and watching the sunset. The act of kissing someone whenever I want or them kissing me whenever they want; how has this alluded me for so long?

When my children were little, there were days I felt completely overstimulated. The last thing I wanted was for someone to touch me. I felt as if my body was not my own. Between pregnancy, nursing, potty training, dressing, diaper changes, and baths; touch was a constant companion. There were the extra love touches necessary to help my children know they were loved and to keep my man feeling he was desirable. All of this filled my touch quota to overflowing!

Fast forward 20 years; a person can pay to be cuddled by a professional cuddler. I see the value in this but wonder how it is that we, as a society, have pushed out real connections for virtual ones? When I meet my family and friends, we hug. When we part, we hug. I’ve been told I am a great hugger. I hug the way I want someone to hug me. With some of my very close friends, we hug, kiss (in a plutonic way), hold hands, walk arm in arm, and sit within easy touch proximity. This is how I touched my kids as they got older. I still kiss their cheeks, stroke their hair, hug them close, and snuggle them. My love for them doesn’t fade, it is more amazing everyday. They keep my heart tender and soft. I can’t imagine my life without them. I can’t imagine my life without tenderness….without touch. What does a person do when touch isn’t part of their regular day but there is a physical, mental, and emotional need for it?

My divorce was final in April of 2010. I had already been separated for 18 months, things had fallen apart with my parents, and I was laid off from my job right before Christmas of 2009. I had been searching for a job for over a year….now I really needed one! I finally found one in February but it was 2 1/2 hours away from where I was living with my kids. The decision overwhelmed me; take the job and establish stability or keep looking. In 2010 the recession was at its height. My ex-husband (still husband at the time) had stopped finding jobs in new construction in 2008 and was unwilling to go into remodels. We had a custom cabinet shop that provided for us very well when the economy was good. The housing market crashed and so did we. I took a job with my parents in their winery when there wasn’t enough work in the cabinet shop. I loved the work, the people, the challenge. I did a good job, sold a lot of wine, and built a wine club; although, there was conflict with my parents. I knew this was probably going to happen, just not the way it did. It is water under the bridge now.

The job offer in February 2010 came the day after my grandmother passed away. I figured she got to heaven and pulled some strings for me. It was a life changing decision. My kids wanted to stay with their dad and they were old enough to make that decision. I didn’t put any pressure on them to move with me and their dad wouldn’t have allowed it anyway. I was tired of fighting, I was worn out, I was broken mentally, spiritually, and physically. I had very little money since everything was tied up with the divorce. I accepted the job offer and they wanted me to start the next day but relocation takes a few days. I packed up my van and headed to a different life. I had just enough money to rent an apartment month-to-month and they had two hour approval. I moved in the bare minimum and slept on the floor. Those first months were the loneliest time of my life. I cried a lot, didn’t sleep, hardly ate, and beat myself up day in and out. I went from full time mom, looking for a job, busy keeping a house to working 7-4 M-F. What was I supposed to do with myself? No messes to clean, dinners to cook, lunches to pack, laundry to wash…I was in shock. I drove to see my kids every weekend. It was so hard and I feel for other people that go through the same thing. Usually it is dads that move from their kids for work and nobody gives them any problem. As a mom in that situation, I was ridiculed and looked down on. Women would say, “what kind of mom leaves their kids?” Ah, the kind of mom that knows someone has to work, the kind of mom that is responsible for her kids’ health care, the kind of mom that wants what is best for her kids even if that means she isn’t there all the time. My ex said horrible things about me and so did my parents. It is easy to shrink into your shell when that happens.

Fall 2010 I pushed myself into finding counseling I could afford. It took months but I jumped through the hoops and found the local university had student/teacher teams that did counseling on a sliding scale. $20 per hour and I started with the hopes of healing my heart, clearing my mind, and finding out who I was again. I cried every week during my session. I wanted to get better and the first step was quieting my mind so I could sleep. Sleep deprivation does crazy things to your life (mind, health, emotions). I worked a plan and started sleeping again. I started reading books that helped me find boundaries, found a dance class, settled into work, and accepted my new normal.