The last two weeks have been a time of learning and decisions. First, I get a Facebook friend request from a long ago boyfriend. He was significant along my path since he was the first after my divorce (I wrote about him in my dark year post). I was broken and so was he. I am not broken anymore, but I think he is still broken. It sounded this way the last time I had a visit with him. As I had a bowl of soup with him a few months ago it became apparently clear that I had grown and he had not. At least we hadn’t grown in the same ways. So I let his friend request sit there on FB.

Later that week, enter another past boyfriend. He messages me and wants to hang out, he wants to see me, and tells me he misses me. I tell him my time is at a premium and that I don’t see us getting together anytime soon. The thing is, when he contacts me, I don’t feel excited or happy about seeing him. I feel like it is a lot of work, I am obligated because I am “nice”,  I have to dodge all his claims about missing me, and we really didn’t part on happy terms anyway. I get done putting him off and he sends me a friend request. Again, I let this sit.

During the days that follow I read not one, but two different articles and blog posts about weeding out so called friends. Here are the messages I received from my readings:

• Do these relationships serve me? For these two, the answer was an easy NO. They have no bearing on my life as I know it now. I have to go out of my way to see them and while I cared for these people at one time, I don’t really care now.
• How much room do these relationships take from me? While I am looking at a small time commitment to keep these relationships, there is a larger mental commitment that goes along with continuing to engage them. Each time I hear from them I am sucked back to where I was before and who I was. I am not that person anymore (thank God!).
• Do I want these people to stay in my life? I have zero reason to keep these people in my life. I don’t want to expand or nurture the relationships. Is this harsh? It sounds like it, but some people nip these off as soon as a break up happens. Why didn’t I do that when things ended? Right, I’m that nice, giving, doormat woman…..no more.
• Do these people really care about me and where I am going in life? In all my dealings with these men, rarely have either of them encouraged me to be better, to grow, to find who I am, and/or to help me in any of these areas. I feel like I am the lifeguard and they are the ones slowly drowning. When they make contact, I feel like they are trying to rescue themselves and in those moments, they are drowning me to save themselves.
• Have I outgrown these relationships? Yes, I have outgrown these people and the relationships they represent. I am so grateful I am past where I was when I had them in my life.
• Am I uplifted and excited seeing these people or do I feel obligated and heavy? With both of them I feel guilty and heavy because my life is so good now. I can barely talk about how beautiful things are and how blessed I feel. One of them throws it back in my face, the other quietly reminds me that I could have taken him along in my beautiful life. Nothing like a little more guilt to make a person feel happy. Uggg.
• Do I want my past to follow me to where I am now? My past is always with me. It has grown me into the person I am now. Do I want to be reminded of the hard stuff, the people that were damaged, angry, and wanted me to stay in those places with them? Not for one minute! I really don’t want to even remember those times. I made choices then I would not make now, so why revisit?

To sum it up, I want to free up all the room in my life I can for the good stuff. I want to find my person, my soulmate, my beloved. I want to have friends that feed me the deep, heartfelt nurishment I need to grow. I want people to push me, challenge me, and expand without making me wrong or disrespect my ideas and life. I want the kind of connection that makes me feel alive! I want to like who I am when I am with these people. These people are easy to fall in love with.

What did I do with these two friend requests? I deleted them both. One is still after me and this will be my message to him:

R, while I appreciate you reaching out I cannot continue to engage with you. I have taken a hard look at where I have been and where I am going. As far as friendship, I don’t feel the effort has been made to right things. There is money owed to me, broken furniture, many of my items left behind. Help with my medical bills after our child was miscarried was not offered. I was treated with disrespect and indifference. Even when I have reached out for your help, I found none. This isn’t how friends treat each other. If you want to right any of these things, so be it. If not, I wish you the best in life along your journey.

I look back and wonder why I let this go so long. In the beginning it was because we worked together. Take note, there are many reasons not to date people you work with! He doesn’t contact me all the time but it is rough when he does. The time finally came to step up and have the difficult conversation.

UPDATE: I sent the above message without any expectations. An hour later he had responded and later he transferred some money into my bank account. He said he had been selfish. We exchanged a couple messages. I think he “got it” this time. I thanked him and this will probably wrap up my past with him.