We met almost a year ago. We hit it off. You were sleeping with your business partner who turned out to be your girlfriend. If you are sleeping with someone and you want a future with them….they are called “girlfriend”. I asked and you were honest. Thank you for that, I could make a decision based on truth.
Why did I continue to see you when I knew you were emotionally and physically attached to someone else? You stirred something inside me that had been dormant. I put you in the “friend zone” because there were two choices; friend zone or goodbye. There have been windows of time we crossed the “friend” line, but not so much that things changed.
You have been my friend, my helper, my travel buddy, my cheerleader, my encourager, my thought provoker, my inspiration, and my sounding board. You have listened to me rattle on about whatever book I am reading, whatever crazy idea I might have, how I want to change my life, my plans to find freedom, retirement, what is going on in my family, my struggles, and the longings of my heart. You have given me a strong hand to hold, tight hugs, and a place to relax when my house was torn apart.
You have provided me so many opportunities for fun. Road trips for cars, parts, trades. Camping in a tiny trailer to look at old trailers. Evenings at nice restaurants, drinks at dives. You meeting my friends and family, my meeting your friends and family. Car shows, parks, garage sales, swap meets. I love your bugs, buses, and all the partly assembled vehicles sitting around in an organized fashion.
What was dormant in me? My entrepreneurial spirit. The thought of being able to start something great, come up with ideas, and eventually execute was buried deep where it was left when I got divorced. I was in survival mode for a few years, on to building a new life, and finally to stability and security. Now I have room to think outside the box and you have helped me expand it.
September 2018 is here and as we talked about future travels and endeavors I realized we have to stop doing this. We are not together, we are not a couple. We are both very single now, but there is no “together” in sight for us. We drew a line in the sand on Monday….to date or not to date each other? I am willing to give it a try, but you are not. The tide came in and the line is gone. You say you might make the decision when I get back from Italy. I told you that you don’t ever have to make a decision, eventually the decision might be made for you. No decision is a decision.
The stakes are high. I laid down my cards and opened my heart to you twice. Both times my cards have been left on the table. I can feel the risk and my own fear and excitement. I feel the twinges of rejection, but maybe it is just disappointment. I haven’t allowed myself to dream of a future with you. I have dreamed of a future in the right relationship. I do love you, but I am not in love with you. I’m lucky for that! It was my hope that dating would stoke the fire.
November will come and I will pick up my cards. I may not be willing to gamble at your table any longer. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know that as I search for the right relationship, I might have to. Time will tell and I believe things will fall into place as they should. Maybe you find your person that fills your empty spots and loves you for you. I hope to do the same. Maybe it is you and me, maybe it is not. I love you just the way you are, I appreciate you, I am proud of you, you make me smile. You are a good man, you are a unique person, you are a builder, you are smart, you love people, you love process. May you always be you! XO