Last night I went out with a friend, yes, it was my nerdy neighbor, Mel. He is back in my life after I told him in February I couldn’t see him anymore because I had developed feelings for him. I got over the fact that I laid my cards down and he didn’t pick them up. For whatever the reason, I am a no go. This tells me he is not my guy. After all, I read the book, “He’s Just Not that Into You.” Mel is not into me so there is no reason to convince him or myself otherwise. It really pisses a couple of my friends off that what we have between us is fun, flirty, and sexy (sometimes). Let’s mix in a healthy dose of great friendship, rapport, support, acceptance, openness, and platonic love. Still, with all of this, there is not a romantic relationship. I do ponder this myself sometimes and think that it would be easy and comfortable to be in a relationship with him. Then the pendulum swings back and I know he is not my person. Could he be my person; maybe.
Back to last night. Mel got his VW bus running and picked me up from work. He drove me around and it was so cool! We had Korean food for dinner from a food cart he knew of. We sat at picnic tables and enjoyed our food. It was a lovely afternoon/evening. We left and headed to my house. We had a glass of wine on the deck and we talked. The question he asked me was very interesting. “Why do you hangout with me if you know this will never go anywhere? Why would you torture yourself like that?” My response was “torture?” His phone rang and we lost a bit of the moment. I answered the reason I hang out with him; he is fun and he challenges me. He helps to open my mind to possibilities I may not consider. I asked him why he spends time with me knowing it is never going anywhere? His response, “I get bored sometimes so I see what you are doing.” Wow, a bit of a slap in the face! I don’t think I am a relief for his boredom, all the time. First, I don’t think he gets that bored. He has a home and cars to tinker with all the time. Second, I think he enjoys my company and that he can say anything he wants to me. Later, after more thought, I told him I spend time with him because I feel accepted and loved just the way I am. I don’t have to hide my flaws.
As far as torture, I would be torturing myself if I thought I could convince him to feel something for me he doesn’t or I thought I could win his heart. I don’t believe either of those things. I believe what I believe about most relationships; if it is meant to be, it will be!