When I let Tris back into my life it was near the holidays. I spent time with him but it was different. Yes, he seemed more into me and accessible. There was something I noticed that hadn’t been there before….oh wait, it had been there and I didn’t see it. Tris drank a lot and often. I noticed that 99% of our time together was about drinking. I told him I would like to do something fun with him besides going out or staying in drinking.
One afternoon he planned for us to go for a hike. It was starting to rain, it was getting dark, he didn’t know where the trail head was, there wasn’t a place to park. He told me he had everything together. We got most of the way up the trail and it started to rain, not a big deal since I had rain gear on. Then darkness was upon us. The trail close to a steep ravine so we stopped to pull out the flashlights he had packed. I was relieved since I was having a hard time seeing the trail. We turned on the flashlights and they quickly faded and went dark.
I was anxious and scared. I was angry that I wasn’t safe and it was because I trusted someone that was untrustworthy. I know he could feel my fear and anger. By the time we got back to the vehicle I was cold and exhausted. I was ready to cry and scream at the same time. I know he felt I wasn’t OK even though I was trying to be encouraging while we were on the trail. I wanted to get to safety. Now we were safe and I was quiet. He took the opportunity to blame everything on someone or something. I told him it was OK, I was just glad we were safe. I told him I had been scared. He discounted my feelings and said I had nothing to be afraid of. I dropped it. He knew how to play the guilt card and I ended up with guilt for feeling scared.
I was seeing a counselor by this time and I had just started dance classes. I had also purchased an ebook by Rori Raye. I devoured the book twice. I started to understand part of what felt bad to me in my marriage. I also started to recognize what wasn’t working with Tris. Besides his alcohol consumption and our trust issues, I also started to see he wanted me to take care of his feelings. By sharing his feelings all the time, I had very little outlet to share mine. He was the center of the relationship since we were always dealing with his shit. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any of my own, but his were always more important, deeper, harder.
Christmas was coming soon and my kids were coming up for a few days. Tris was going to see his daughter in LA and he was going to fly. Guess what? He had a fear of flying! BUT, he got on the plane to see his daughter and did just fine. BUT, he couldn’t get on the plane to come back. This meant he wouldn’t make it to the plans we had for Christmas. I was pissed off. We were supposed to go to his friend’s house for the day. I had no time to plan for an alternative, so, kids in tow, we went to a home full of people I didn’t know. The people were nice and apologetic. They welcomed the whole family. My kids were NOT happy at all. It did go down in history as a crazy thing mom made them do. We could have sat in my apartment all day, but to me that was losing.
The day after Christmas, Tris gets back on the bus. One of his friends picks him up at the bus station since I still had my kids. Following morning we all (Tris’ friends and me) get together for breakfast. Tris is cold and doesn’t apologize for not getting on the plane. He talks and talks about how horrible the bus ride was traveling during Christmas and how it is so hard to have a problem flying. He starts to cry at the table. I don’t make any effort to soothe him, we all just say that it was really sad. The hostess at the Christmas party starts to talk about how nice and sweet my kids were. How she enjoyed having us. Tris didn’t like that at all. She just took the spotlight off him and put it on me. I could feel his anger. I tried to diffuse by thanking her for having us to her home even though she didn’t know us. Tris looks at me and asks if I am going to blame him for a bad Christmas. I assure him it wasn’t a bad Christmas, I just wish he had been back for it. The tension is building and I want to get out of there. I rode with Tris and when we got in his vehicle he exploded. He wanted an apology from me. He said I was cold and not understanding of his situation. I told him I had my own feelings around the situation and was pissed about the way it was so easy for him to blow off our plans for Christmas but he was able to fly to see his daughter. He got even more angry. He called me selfish and uncaring. I told him I didn’t want to dance to this music anymore. I was done. When he dropped me at the car he almost drove away before I was completely out.
I was done….finished. He wanted me to be the masculine, I wanted to be the feminine. We both couldn’t be feminine at the same time. Tension….for us it caused tension, and not the good time. I could see it and I wasn’t willing to keep doing it. In a different way than my husband did it, this man wanted me to be the masculine. Nope, I am the girl. It was many months before I saw Tris again. He tried to apologize but I wouldn’t take the bait. The years have passed and we have remained acquinances.
He did stop drinking after one or two DUIs. I saw him a couple months ago. As I sat across the table from him, I thanked God I didn’t let him spoil my life. I thanked God I had grown and healed. I am thankful for the lessons learned and the ones I am still learning. Soon after our parting years ago I met my friend, Ella, that would help bring light into the darkness. I started to let people back into my life, I started to make friends that I still have now. I’m thankful, grateful, happy, and relieved.