I had a friend that lived near where I got my job in the Portland area. We had worked at my parents’ winery together. Tris was supportive and caring during my divorce, move, parental rejection, and new job ordeal, but looking back, he was not ready for a relationship. I was sad, lonely, needy….suffice to say, it was not a good combination. My first time out in the relationship world for 19 years! Sex and time together, does that make a relationship? Despite my best efforts to convince him to love me, I saw his truck parked in front of someone’s house on one of my very early morning walks. I was devastated. I begged him for an answer and when the truth was told, this was how he left women. He would get drunk and sleep with someone new. The sting and hurt were crushing.
I took to online dating. I look back now and see how painfully damaged I was. The only type of people I would attract would be those that would hurt me. I plowed ahead and met two nice men. I was not equipped to date two men at the same time! They were so different and had good hearts. One of the men, Ted, had passive aggressive tendencies. It was easy to recognize since I was only a couple years away from my ex. He would pull me in, then push me away when he didn’t get the exact answer he wanted or a text/call back immediately from me. He was a little flashy for me and one of the cool kids. I’m sure he was seeing plenty of women besides me but he acted like he wanted my undivided attention. We always had a fun time together but I didn’t think we had a future. We remained friends for a few years and are still acquaintances today.
The other man, Ed, was older. He was and is the most senior to my age that I have dated. I was 41 at the time and he was 55. He had kids the same age as mine so he seemed youthful and was active. We communicated a lot online before meeting. We shared and revealed a lot of ourselves before even speaking on the phone. I remember back to the day I was going to meet him. It was probably the most nervous I ever was at a first meeting. I rushed home from work to change my clothes. I wore a little spaghetti strap denim dress and a pair of sandals. The dress hugged my curves in a sweet way. I was so nervous I felt like Bambi taking his first walk on shaky legs. Needless to say, our first meeting was a success. He walked me home and we had our first kiss. I felt very comfortable with this man….and I felt safe and scared at the same time. Safe because I trusted him, scared because I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself. I told him I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship until I felt comfortable and until we decided to have a relationship.
Fast forward 4 months; Ed takes me to his family’s beach cottage over a holiday weekend. After much discussion on the way to the beach, we decide to solidify our relationship. We had so much fun that long weekend. I remember thinking this could be it, this could be my guy. I was happy and content, ready to tell Ted that I couldn’t see him anymore and settle in with Ed.
Then crazy comes back around, Tris tells me he wants me back, he realizes how much he misses me and how he feels about me. What? This person pushed all my buttons of pain and self-doubt. I physically hurt when he did what he did. Again, I have a hard time seeing two men at the same time. Tris knew exactly how to play on my heart strings, he knew exactly what to say to make me take him back. He knew how to play his cards to make it feel OK that he treated me the way he did.
So I did the unthinkable, I let him creep back into my life. At the same time, I let Ed go. Ed was devastated. I was too! I played the push pull in my mind for several days. My head hurt, my body ached, and I felt like I made a mistake. Hindsight is 20/20 and that was a mistake. Not to say that things could have worked out with Ed in the long run, but at the time, it would have been the healthier choice. Thing is, my body knew it. I was bold one afternoon and showed up where Ed worked and asked him to take me back. He was reluctant, as he should be. I was a mess!
Ed did take me back but Tris was always in the background….playing with my mind and heart. I should have severed ties but I didn’t. He would say things like, “how do you know if I’ve changed if you don’t give me a chance?” He actually made me feel guilty for not giving him a chance. At the same time, Ed’s son moved into his house. Ed hadn’t had a kid full time in his house for years. It changed him. He complained about what a disappointment his son was. He complained and complained….it was a real downer. Our fun times at his house turned into a “wait and see if his son comes home” game. It was difficult to feel turned on and happy when it was constant complaining. He even said if he could do it all over again, he wouldn’t have kids. He was too selfish. It finally came to a head and I told him I couldn’t take the energy drain with his complaining. He walked out……and I let Tris back in.