OK, he isn’t a close neighbor, but he lives about 5 minutes away. Where I grew up, that is a neighbor. I met my neighbor online in October. The weather was still warm during the day but cooling at night. Our first meeting was at a little wine bar near my house. We sat near the big rolling door that was open to let in the warm afternoon breeze. We had our first glass of wine and the talking didn’t stop for 3 hours. During our second glass, the sun was setting and it was cooling down. We moved over to the sofa and continued sharing. We agreed on some of the basic foundational beliefs; religion, politics, and what we were hoping to find with our dating life. We were both looking for that person to fill in the empty spots that friends can’t.
Attraction and chemistry; it was hard for me to determine. He was entertaining and fun to talk to. He had a great sense of humor. It is weird to talk about him in the past tense since he is still alive and I suppose I can give him a name….let’s call him Mel (short and sweet)! We talked about so much, we did hit it off. We were told the bar was closing so we said goodbye and hugged. I wasn’t sure I would see him again. First meetings are always this precarious balance of; “Wow, I had a great time but did he?” or “I liked him but not sure if he is going to contact me again.” Mel did stay in contact.
We had our first date the next week at another wine bar. He knew I liked wine and made an effort to make me comfortable. We continued to have good rapport and explored deeper subjects like online dating, porn, and sexual compatibility. I felt completely at ease talking to Mel….it was refreshing. He wasn’t the typical type I have dated. I am not opposed to the nerdy type but generally I don’t usually attract that type. Mel was handsome in his own way. If I saw him across the bar I wouldn’t wonder who the hunk was. But his smile was disarming and his direct, no nonsense way was attractive. He was smart, had a good job, and was quirky. And he loved Volkswagens….the old ones.
He asked if I was hungry (which I almost always am) and I said yes. We walked down to the BBQ place and sat at the bar and shared a meat platter and sides. I determined I liked him. We were both dating heavily, working our way through a lot of people. He had an active social life, which again, I think is a good thing. He made a comment about women stepping up during dating and I wasn’t sure what he meant. I blew it off. We finished there and he walked me to my car. We hugged and had our first kiss. It was nice and comfortable. Passionate? not really but a really nice start.
Mel continued to message me each day and we set up another date. We decided to meet at my local sports bar. We ate nachos and shared stories of dating and what we were still looking for….talked about our kids and struggles. I told him I appreciated his generosity and consistency. Consistency is very hard to find in the dating world….at least longer than the first week. He walked me home and I showed him my house that was getting remodeled. He kissed me good night and it was even better than the last.
The big date came when Mel asked me to his house for dinner. In the dating world this is the biggie because going into a man’s space can lead to intimacy in many different ways. Most men are looking for a woman to accept his space, his personal space that is all him. Also, a dinner and some wine can lead to touching and even sex on occasion. This was our 4th date and I wasn’t sure which way this would go. We were certainly open about sex and attraction but it was not something he talked about wanting with me. He fed me salmon and asparagus that he had already prepared. After dinner he showed me around. As he walked me through his house he showed me this huge pile of boxes. He said it was powdered milk and cereal. He said it wasn’t his stuff but his business partner, Darla’s. I will call her Darla because I want to. So I asked some questions about Darla and what the nature of the partnership was. Mel said they worked on business ideas together and bounced things off each other. Darla had the cereal left after the close out of a business. Mel showed me around his house and all the improvements he had made and wanted to make. I liked his home, it was tidy and clean. He showed me the car he was working on in the garage. We finished off one bottle of wine and Mel opened a second. He hadn’t put any moves on me and we sat back down at the kitchen counter. I was a little perplexed as he poured me another glass of wine and sat on the barstool next to me. We talked for hours then it was time for me to leave. I took my glass into the kitchen and he followed. He hugged me and kissed me. He pressed up against me and I could tell it was causing some reaction. He ran his hands up the sides of my breasts and I took a deep breath. He leaned back and looked at me then said he would walk me to the door. Hmmm, he is a real gentleman. I am a little confused but hey, I’m all for waiting for more physical contact.
One evening later that week, Mel called me out of the blue and asked if I would like to meet him at my bar. I said sure. I walked down and he had ordered the nachos again. Am I so easily readable? He said he had a date that was short and sweet. He was headed back this way and wanted to see me. I was happy he did, I was enjoying my time with him. He told me he had been to the airport to pick up his ex girlfriend. Then he told me he was offended she expected him to put her luggage in the trunk of the car. And she expected him to carry it up the stairs to her place. This concerned me because I had never heard a man voice such a thing as being offensive. I knew Mel liked strong, independent women but I thought this was extreme. I shared that I would expect the same from a man. I would also be grateful and appreciate the lifter of the suitcase. He replies that us women want it both ways. We want to be strong and do things our own ways but then we want men to take care of us. Now I am really confused. I don’t feel defensive but not sure if he really feels this way or is playing the devil’s advocate. We question each other a little more and he seems clear that he is not a supporter of women being admired and loved just by “being” but they need to step up and perform like a man. There is no value in just “being” but everyone has to “do”. This goes against what I believe concerning man and woman relationships. I was expected to “do” or perform while I was married and I ended up doing way too much. I was tired and not comfortable wearing the masculine pants in the relationship (even though I didn’t have the control just the responsibility). This coming from Mel was shocking. I didn’t know what to think but he continued to make me believe that I would find myself in the same situation with him. He would take the backseat and I would do the work. Yikes! We parted that night and I felt conflicted. He seemed very adamant about this and this was a situation I didn’t want to get caught up in.
What is a girl to do? I enjoy his company but pretty sure this can’t be the relationship I am looking for. I buy a Groupon for smoked turkey legs and ask Mel out. He agrees and I tell him I will drive. He seems confused by this and I say I am stepping up. I go by his house and pick him up. We head out to another city with GPS to guide us. GPS doesn’t help and in the process of trying to find it, we find out the turkey leg place is closed. Oh well, I am flexible, let’s find another place. We find a nice place and we go in. Mel is a bit perplexed by my forwardness in insisting on driving. He is hurt that I didn’t want to ride in his bug. I tell him it has nothing to do with that but completely with stepping up and putting on my big boy panties. I tell him I took to heart his suitcase story and decided to be the guy. I was taking control and stepping up. Now he is totally uncomfortable and tells me that he doesn’t like the way it feels. I let him know that I took to heart what he said and I don’t think we are probably going to work out as romantic partners. I want to be valued just for being not in the doing. He says he is not sure he understands and isn’t sure he stands behind what he said during the suitcase story. We had a lovely dinner and against my best efforts, he still pays for dinner.
Two days later Mel asks me out to the turkey leg place. He says he found it and he would drive this time. It made me giggle since he was being the man. He knows where we are going and he is going to take us there. I agree and I’m looking forward to it. The evening comes and I get a text that he is running a few minutes late. No problem. Then 5 minutes later I get a call that his car broke down. I start to laugh and ask what does this mean? Do I need to come and pick him up? Is he going to be waiting for a tow truck? He says he will roll the car over to a parking place and jump on the train. If I can pick him up at the train station, we can go to dinner. I think this is hilarious. Poor guy is doing his best to prove he is the man and his car breaks down. I pick him up and off we go. Turkey leg place is a converted warehouse but cool. Mel was very attentive and we compete to get the napkins, go to the bar for more beers, and throwing the trash away. I am amused by this change, or was it a change? Is he just more aware or am I more aware? Either way, we have a good time. We chat on the way back to his house and he invites me in. He shows some of the things he is getting rid of and what he is changing. He keeps mentioning Darla. He says she doesn’t like this or she likes that. I finally ask if he is sleeping with her. He says he is. This explains a lot! I tell him how I was confused how he invited me over for dinner and didn’t make the moves on me….didn’t even take me to the sofa after dinner. I ask him why he is dating if they are business partners and sleeping together. He tells me she has some narrow and black and white views of life. He wants someone more open-minded. He said they met through a dating site and he values her more as business partner than a romantic partner. I can understand how this goes since I have Richard in my life. I have little emotional attachment to him beyond friendship.
I continue to see Mel at least once a week. We have a great time together and we are completely open with each other. I have met another man that I am very excited about and I begin to date him. Mel is still dating up a storm and not finding anyone that fits. I ask him if he is keeping Darla as his back-up plan. He thinks for a moment and says that maybe the others are the Darla back-up plan. He tells me in some ways all things point to Darla. Maybe Darla is the “one”. If this is the case, why is he still dating? Why not just throw in the towel with Darla and make it official, have a full blown relationship with her? He tells me she doesn’t like to do his stuff with him and doesn’t have much gray area in her life. Once she makes up her mind how something should be, it goes into a box and that is just the way it is. I take that at face value and don’t think much of it.
The guy I was dating breaks things off….that is another story. I am sad and I miss him but life moves forward. It is a week before Christmas so I don’t have a lot of time to wallow. I squeeze in a few dates then I go out with Mel and tell him the other guy died (just kidding). He tells me he thinks I am awesome and beautiful. I am very touched by his way of easing my pain. Christmas comes and goes and my birthday arrives. I invite Mel and a few other friends to go out for my birthday. I have an amazing birthday and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I continue dating and feeling lonely. Mel and I are hanging out together more, he helps me get one of my computers back in operation and sees some revealing pictures (we joke about it). One night we go to dinner and we go back to my house and we kiss. It isn’t the little kisses we have shared before but these are the type that lead to something more. He picks me up from my eye dilation and feeds me the next day. The day after that I go over to his house. He shows me some of the things he is working on and keeps talking about Darla doing this or that. I ask about how woven together their lives are and he disagrees. He says there is still not a real relationship there. I accept that and we snuggle on his sofa. I start to feel something for him but determine it is just because we are spending so much time with each other.
A few days later Mel comes to my house to help me with my computer again. I just got out of the shower and put on my relaxation clothes. He works on my computer and sits behind me on the chair. He touches me and wakes me. I know he is monogamous with Darla and I don’t want to start something that isn’t going to lead to a long term relationship. We both play it off but it felt very good. I am sexually vulnerable at this time but I don’t want to be stupid.
Mel calls me on a Friday night and asks if I (the cutie) wants to go out. I’m at the gym and tell him I can be ready in 30 minutes. I get home, message him I will leave the front door unlocked because I might be more than 30 minutes. 3 minutes later he walks in. He has been drinking and is very touchy. He goes upstairs with me and helps me pick out my clothes. I am ready for my shower and he asks if he can sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I bathe. If he wants to see me naked, I have no problem. He is a gentleman and we chat while I am in the shower. Undressing and dressing in front of someone is a very intimate thing for me. I get ready and we go out. He picks this fabulous place with the best steak I have had in a long time. We are having a great time. We go next door and have another drink. I am very comfortable with him and wonder why I don’t have or can’t have this with someone that is more available. We go back to my place and we kiss and touch and things do escalate. There is not sex but it is hot! Shoot, wow, geez!
The next week we go out for dinner. Mel tells me that he won’t be giving up Darla for many months. I jokingly say I will try my best not to sleep with him. Haha! The next day I realize that I need to back off. I am chasing him and he just told me she is going to be staying in his life sexually and professionally. I feel the sting and let it go. I don’t make any move to see Mel. I make an appointment to see Mel’s dad and Mel comes with him. We talk about my remodel and they leave. Mel returns after he drops off his dad. He tells me he broke it off with Darla. Their relationship will be just business now. He and I talk about what we both want out of a relationship. I didn’t ask if he wanted that with me but here he is sitting at my table telling me Darla is out. I tell him I don’t want a 50% relationship and if we all just put up with a 50% or a 25% we will never have room for a 100%. I want 100% and I am willing to do someone else’s stuff and have a good time. I have my own stuff that I would like someone to enjoy doing.
Mel contacts me Saturday while I am on a dud date. After my date he asks if I want to come over. I head to his house for some wine. I walk in and see some new artwork on his wall and say I like it. He said Darla gave it to him. How nice of her! He shows me a new cabinet he bought. I like it, it suits him and his house. He gets me a glass of wine and he shows me his spare room. Darla has made all the bedding. Wow. We chat about Mel’s lunch with the woman that he used to live with, Abby, and her husband. He is concerned her relationship is ending with her husband. He has a heart and it is nice to see he is concerned. I ask him when he got the cabinet and he tells me he drove out of town today to get it and Darla went with him. Hold on! What? Was this business? Nope, just didn’t want to drive alone. Darla lined up some garage sales to go to also but she was kinda crabby. What the heck! No wonder she was crabby, you don’t break up with a woman then ask her to spend the day with you. Really? I can feel myself slipping into annoyance. He says, yeah that is probably what I did wrong the other times we broke up, we spent too much time together then I end up sleeping with her again. I ask him why he didn’t ask me. He said he didn’t know if I would like to go. Not asking is a sure way of never knowing. Then he tells me she had the garage sale stuff all lined up. We watch a movie and I get ready to leave. He says he may want to go to breakfast in the morning and I tell him I am available. We have a single soft kiss goodbye.
The next morning, no call for breakfast. I decide to go to the coast with Richard, who calls me on a whim and I say yes. Mel doesn’t contact me all day. I am hurt. I realize I have feeling for him otherwise I wouldn’t care. I do care. I care that Darla is in Mel’s life and it is going to be like that for a very long time. He might be willing to settle for a 50-75% relationship but I am not. My heart hurts because I understand he will keep choosing her, they have history, and she “does” for him. I don’t want to win any man by doing. After a restless night and morning I compose this message:
Good morning Mel. I considered doing this
face to face but I know avoiding emotional
awkwardness (tears) is important. I started
to develop feelings for you a few weeks ago.
I am looking for my person to fill my empty
spots and you are not available. I see now
you already have someone in your life
and home. She is everywhere and I can’t
see you anymore. I feel sad and I need to
stop before I continue to make a fool of
myself.
His response:
I understand
This is the end to a wonderful friendship that could have been a great romantic relationship. I know I did the right thing. It was not good for me to be twisted in Mel and Darla’s game. My heart wishes Mel would choose me but my mind knows he will stay with what he knows, even if it is less than 100%. He will probably go back to dating to see if he can find a perfect replacement for Darla or his next back-up plan. Each time Darla rejects him he will know there might be a woman out there that will accept him. He may have even already met her and rejected her.