My wonderful son, I know you are hurting or maybe by this point you are numb. I don’t know all the circumstances in what is happening. What I do need you to know is that I love you. I hope you have always felt that love even as you have grown, matured, and had your own family.
I know you have struggles, most I don’t even have a clue about. Life can get hard, mixed up, crazy, and mean. I know that you haven’t had a lot of good examples of marriage. Your dad and I had our own struggles and I think it is important to give you a little insight into what that was.
I just had my 23rd birthday when I got married. When I got reacquainted to your dad in June, he was attentive, fun, and engaging. When he moved to Oregon in July we would sit up late at night and talk. We shared our dreams, thoughts, feelings, and struggles. It seemed perfect; like this could be the perfect person for me to travel the journey of life with. We got engaged quickly and started planning the wedding. I knew that we were raised different. I saw how his dad spoke to his mom and I didn’t like it. Your dad said he didn’t like it either and said he never wanted our relationship to be like that. I was concerned but he was very supportive of my zest for life and my open, sometimes head strong ways.
We got married in January and went on our honeymoon. It was like a switch was turned off. Your dad hardly engaged, the TV was on constantly, and I cried. I didn’t have any idea what happened. Where did the man that held my hopes and dreams go? I think we drove each other crazy for those two weeks. I felt undesirable, unworthy, angry, and sad. Why had our relationship taken a 180? Nobody said marriage was supposed to be like this.
We got back from our honeymoon and started back to work. We worked on the ranch taking care of the cattle. We would come in at night and your dad would turn the TV on and go take a shower. I would start cooking dinner. I would chat but your dad didn’t listen, he seemed completely uninterested. I would get ready for bed and your dad would stay in front of the TV. Many nights he chose to stay there and I would cry and beg him to come to bed with me. I felt lonely and empty. I asked him why he would choose to stay on the sofa and watch TV instead of being with me. He always said he needed more time to unwind. There were nights I screamed and cried, pleaded. It didn’t work. I asked him what I could do different, he said everything was fine. This didn’t seem fine to me.
I asked some ladies at church what I could do if my husband wasn’t paying attention to me. They said I needed to pray more, give it to God, and read some books. I did all of those things. I would try to calm myself at night by praying. When I had time, I would read books on relationships. None of this was working and by the time we were married six months I knew I made a mistake. How could this be the same man I married? What was I doing wrong? I couldn’t walk away, this was the choice I made, I loved this man, we were supposed to make a future.
I finally gave up with the crying, begging, pleading, and anger. A little bitterness had set in and I wish we never had a TV. When your dad wasn’t watching TV he was reading fantasy books….still disengaged. In many ways, I became just like his mom. I stopped raising any fuss about things. I just accepted that this was my life. I looked around and there were very few happy couples so I figured this is how it was supposed to be. I must be selfish to want more.
Then you came along. I was so filled with love that I didn’t notice other things. You were my life, my joy. Your dad was a good dad. He spent time with us and I felt like a family. You were a beautiful distraction from the emptiness in our marriage. Then I got pregnant with Camille. Something felt different with your dad. He seemed even more distant. I kept asking him what was wrong, he always said it was nothing, everything was fine. The tension and distance grew day after day. About a month before Camille was born I couldn’t take it any longer. I begged your dad to tell me what was going on. He told me he had been very unhappy for the last six months. I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said he didn’t know. I was devastated. I was about to have another baby and he didn’t know if he wanted to be married to me. I was really upset so he set up an appointment with the pastor in Lorane. We met with Chuck and he couldn’t seem to get your dad to open up either. Chuck told your dad that he was unkind to bring this up now when I was about to have a baby. We never got to the bottom of what was bothering your dad. He shut me out.
Fast forward many years; another baby, new businesses, a new church, and new friends. Life was busy and it was good. You and your sisters were so much fun. It was very easy to see all the good and forget about what wasn’t quite right. You guys got older and your dad and I got the cabinet business started. Your dad and I worked together very well. He was a very hard worker. I’m not sure why our marriage never seemed worth the work. I remember one beautiful night, I had just finished mowing the front yard and I was having a glass of wine on the patio. I asked your dad to come out and join me. He said he didn’t want to. All of you were watching TV and it was so nice out. I felt very hurt, sad, lonely, and empty. I wondered what I was doing wrong. I kept a clean house, cooked, took care of business paperwork, worked in the shop, took care of the house, loved the kids, loved my husband, volunteered at church, and took care of myself. Why was I sitting here all alone?
Throughout the years I wrote your dad notes and letters. I told him how much I loved him and how I wished we could have more quality time together, do fun things, just the two of us. I told him how his being distant and not interested in our relationship hurt me and made me sad. I asked him what I could do different, what he needed from me. Many times, these notes and letters were not discussed or even mentioned. Little by little I died a bit inside. Was I not worth the trouble?
You know the end of the story, it wasn’t pretty. I was numb and when your dad stopped working and wasn’t helping around the house, I couldn’t take it any longer. I was tired, empty, and felt worthless. I wrote him the final letter and he didn’t believe I wanted to give up on our marriage. By that point, enough had been chipped away it didn’t feel like there was much left. We went to counseling and your dad gave the counselor an earful on how horrible I was for wanting a divorce, how I needed to be fixed, how God hates divorce. It was torture. He still wasn’t saying what we could do to make the marriage work, what did he need from me so we could have a good relationship.
To this day, I would still like to know what I could have done differently. What did I do to your dad to make him disengage in our marriage? Your dad is a good man. I spoke to him today about what is going on with you. I said that you and your wife need to be completely honest about what you need, what you want your marriage to look like, what you want your family to look like. He agreed but then said that just like him, he sees you hating confrontation. Is avoiding confrontation worth more than having a healthy marriage?
Here is my challenge to you; be completely honest with your wife. If you want a clean house, say it. If you want her to raise your son differently, say it. If you want some space each evening, say it. If you want her to cook you dinner, say it. Whatever it is, say it, share it, ask it. She might come unglued….but what do you have to lose? Marriage is hard but divorce is harder. Be open, be vulnerable, cry, yell, get angry, but ALWAYS BE KIND. No name calling, don’t be mean, don’t be hurtful. These things are not acceptable. Take a time out, go for a walk. You chose your wife. Remind yourself what those reasons were. She is passionate, smart, witty, creative, lovely, fiery, and gets your humor. If you are numb, tired, overwhelmed, and want to give up; take some time to consider these things. Talk to someone or take some time to think. This doesn’t mean to check out in front of the TV. Be alone, have quiet, think, and consider your future, your family’s future, your son’s future.
I love you no matter what,
Mom