Yes, you heard me right! Do I keep dating my dad? Ok, not dating my dad, just men like him. Men that are financially stable, successful, professional, have their life together AND don’t have time. I remember growing up and my dad was at work a lot. He was building a successful electronics business through most of the 70s and the 80s. We would see him at dinner most nights but that was it. He would go back to work until we were in bed. I remember my mom being unhappy about this arrangement. As my brother and I got older she would say things like, “your dad’s business comes first and we come second.” I never felt this way, probably because my mom was always available. I did hear grumblings often. My mom would get mad at my dad, I believe mostly out of frustration, since she felt the sting of being second fiddle. It is hard to be jealous of the business that is providing a very nice life for your family.
Fast forward to my adult years and my marriage. I married just after my 23rd birthday. I thought I was a grown up, life was starting, I was making my own decisions. I look back and see I was doing what was expected of me. A rat in a maze. I thought I was marrying someone different from my dad. Someone that would adore me, put me first, and be interested in me. A person to build a life with, to be intimately involved. Soon after the wedding, the deep talks, sharing, and adoration faded. Snuggles and talks were replaced with TV and emotional distance. Within 6 months I wondered what had I done. There wasn’t a way out. “What God has joined together, let no man (or woman) put asunder.” I won’t get into all that happened but what I have come to realize is that my marriage failed from neglect. We went through the motions, had 3 wonderful children together, worked together, and had a home together. What we lacked was emotional connection.
The first months of my marriage were filled with tears and frustration. I begged for attention, connection, intimacy, and that sweet place where only he and I existed. The TV was the other woman. Neither of us were ever unfaithful with other people. Does being unfaithful need to involve another person? Can you be unfaithful by putting something else first in your life that makes your marriage (relationship) suffer? Some dads feel this when a baby comes into the home. If a woman doesn’t refocus during this time, the man feels second. I can fully understand this.
Going back to my parents, I believe their marriage suffered in two ways. My dad worked a lot and put work first. My mom put my brother and I first. I think my mom developed a habit of unhappiness and discontent. My dad found more appreciation at work (and it was easier to check out). Both are amazing people; smart, driven, responsible, fun, reliable. Both like to be in control, lack vulnerability, and are passive aggressive. They got divorced after 49 years of marriage. They each knew no other relationship except each other. My mom still struggles finding happiness inside herself. My dad doesn’t have an identity without a business/work. They are both struggling to find their true identity.
It has taken years to figure out who I am, what I want, and what are my deal breakers. The process of dating, counseling, and self-reflection can do a lot in moving a person forward. I read books and blogs on relationships and have “ahh” moments often. I keep meeting awesome men that have qualities that appeal to me. The most recent hiccup is the lack of time. Is this a real lack of time to pursue a relationship or just a relationship with me? Do they really want a relationship in the first place? I believe a man is the master of his own ship. He sets his own course. I have a difficult time respecting men (and women) that make excuses. They sound like this, “I wanted to contact you but life got busy.” “I was having some computer issues so I couldn’t message you.” “My evenings are tied up with clients, working out, and friends.” “I’ve been working long hours, like 10 hour days!” What does this scream to me? I THINK I WANT A RELATIONSHIP BUT IT ISN’T A PRIORITY. End of story. Or subconsciously they are going to keep you hanging along until someone better comes along.
I have a girlfriend who uses the line, “he just isn’t that into you.” I have to agree with her. I do believe times can get busy and I do understand, it happens in my own life. Thing is, if it goes on for weeks and months, do I really want a person that has so little time for a relationship? I don’t want the scraps like my mom always said she was getting. I don’t want emotional distance. Earning money and pursuit of success does take time. What success looks like varies from person to person. If the emotional connection wasn’t that important to me, I could look at dollar signs and feel love and connection. I’m not built that way. I want the whole tamale and I’m willing to give the whole tamale.
Back to dating my dad….it takes time to determine if this is happening. I ask men when I meet them if they have time for a relationship. Each one says “YES”. I don’t think they are untruthful, they want to believe they can have it all. They dabble with dating….is it dating if you see someone once a month? One man literally lived around the corner from me. He was working 10 hour days, Monday – Friday. Did he ask to see me for a few minutes once a week? Nope, he was too tied up with work (so he said). Not that into me, lazy, has someone else, or whatever….it became a huge turn off. I learned that inconsistency is a turn off to me. A person could hardly live closer and work closer to me than this guy did. In the end, did it make a difference, no. Time is a commodity we can spend the way we want. We can use it to show our love for another person, to make that person feel important. We can use it to earn a living. We can use it for fun. We can spend it on ourselves, to take care of our bodies, souls, and spirits. We can waste it.
This is where the rubber meets the road. We spend our own time. Do we use it to build relationships or neglect relationships? We each have responsibility for our most precious gift. Can I blame misuse on someone else? Sure, sometimes things make the decision difficult (doctor is running late, train is having issues, car accidents where we need to travel). Really, if we are honest, we waste a lot of time. We can’t blame it on anyone except for ourselves. We make choices and we shouldn’t make excuses.
I took a stand recently with a man who had pursued me but not really. We met only during the day while I was at work. No phone calls or texting and only messages through messenger. I asked point-blank if he was married or was emotionally involved with someone. He said he was not. He didn’t make an effort to see me for weeks on end….just messages. Even those were dead ends over the weekends. I hadn’t seen him for over a month and he messaged me saying he was in the area. He said he finished with a meeting and could stop by to see me. He gave me 15 minutes to respond then headed home. I responded in 20 since I was in a meeting. He said it was his loss since he already left the area. I felt really pissed. I went home and thought it through. The next day I sent him this message:
I have enjoyed our moments together; you are a good man, a smart man, a hot man. I feel sad, disappointed, and pissed off with our communications the last couple days. I feel like I am an afterthought, not valued, or respected. Feeling this way and excuses are not acceptable to me. I am open to continuing our communication only when schedules will allow plans to be made in advance and away from my work. If this isn’t possible, I wish you the best in all of your pursuits.
This was a big deal for me. In the past, I would have ignored him until he just faded away. This man did have potential and I needed to stand up for how I felt and what I needed. In the end, he couldn’t give me a respectable date, a real date. Maybe I am breaking the bonds of my dad. I am a wonderful priority, I am worthy of someone’s time, I love myself enough to spend my time wisely on someone who deserves it.