My divorce was final in April of 2010. I had already been separated for 18 months, things had fallen apart with my parents, and I was laid off from my job right before Christmas of 2009. I had been searching for a job for over a year….now I really needed one! I finally found one in February but it was 2 1/2 hours away from where I was living with my kids. The decision overwhelmed me; take the job and establish stability or keep looking. In 2010 the recession was at its height. My ex-husband (still husband at the time) had stopped finding jobs in new construction in 2008 and was unwilling to go into remodels. We had a custom cabinet shop that provided for us very well when the economy was good. The housing market crashed and so did we. I took a job with my parents in their winery when there wasn’t enough work in the cabinet shop. I loved the work, the people, the challenge. I did a good job, sold a lot of wine, and built a wine club; although, there was conflict with my parents. I knew this was probably going to happen, just not the way it did. It is water under the bridge now.
The job offer in February 2010 came the day after my grandmother passed away. I figured she got to heaven and pulled some strings for me. It was a life changing decision. My kids wanted to stay with their dad and they were old enough to make that decision. I didn’t put any pressure on them to move with me and their dad wouldn’t have allowed it anyway. I was tired of fighting, I was worn out, I was broken mentally, spiritually, and physically. I had very little money since everything was tied up with the divorce. I accepted the job offer and they wanted me to start the next day but relocation takes a few days. I packed up my van and headed to a different life. I had just enough money to rent an apartment month-to-month and they had two hour approval. I moved in the bare minimum and slept on the floor. Those first months were the loneliest time of my life. I cried a lot, didn’t sleep, hardly ate, and beat myself up day in and out. I went from full time mom, looking for a job, busy keeping a house to working 7-4 M-F. What was I supposed to do with myself? No messes to clean, dinners to cook, lunches to pack, laundry to wash…I was in shock. I drove to see my kids every weekend. It was so hard and I feel for other people that go through the same thing. Usually it is dads that move from their kids for work and nobody gives them any problem. As a mom in that situation, I was ridiculed and looked down on. Women would say, “what kind of mom leaves their kids?” Ah, the kind of mom that knows someone has to work, the kind of mom that is responsible for her kids’ health care, the kind of mom that wants what is best for her kids even if that means she isn’t there all the time. My ex said horrible things about me and so did my parents. It is easy to shrink into your shell when that happens.
Fall 2010 I pushed myself into finding counseling I could afford. It took months but I jumped through the hoops and found the local university had student/teacher teams that did counseling on a sliding scale. $20 per hour and I started with the hopes of healing my heart, clearing my mind, and finding out who I was again. I cried every week during my session. I wanted to get better and the first step was quieting my mind so I could sleep. Sleep deprivation does crazy things to your life (mind, health, emotions). I worked a plan and started sleeping again. I started reading books that helped me find boundaries, found a dance class, settled into work, and accepted my new normal.