Tag: friend

Back to the Ex?

Welcome 2024! I’m sitting at home on the first snow/ice day of the year. It isn’t very common for us to get weather that keeps us home in the pacific northwest but today is one of those days for me. We have a couple of inches of ice out on the roads which is enough to keep me in. I was going to go for a walk but after a trip to the frozen compost bin, I decided I didn’t want to break my hip today.

I should be working on taxes….I can do that tomorrow. I decided to be a bit creative and reason out some thoughts swirling in my mind.

Thought/question for the day: what would my ex and I have to do to consider getting back together?

Backstory; we have been done romantically for 2.5 years. We bought property together in 2021. The house was a fixer and the whole property needed work. I work remotely and have a project management mindset so I was the one tasked with living in a trailer on the property and making the magic happen. The house remodel was wrapped up in early 2022 (about 8 months time). It was a big accomplishment but all I felt was sadness. I lost my relationship early in the project. Maybe I will write another post about that journey.

Last year he tried to get a loan to buy me out and I tried to do the same. Neither of us could accomplish it since it is commercial property. So we are stuck in this business together. We had some very rocky times even before going into this business/property together. Was getting hooked together in this way the best idea? Probably not….hindsight is 20/20. So many hurtful things were said and when I mention times he came unglued, he goes back into the rage he felt at the time. Needless to say, it makes it almost impossible to sort anything out.

Forward to present. I am back to dating, as is he. We have shared some really good times together the last couple months. I have let myself play the “what if” game. What if we were able to get past those nasty things he said? What would need to change to make me even consider?

Here is my list:

  1. He would need to get personal counseling.
  2. We would need to get couples counseling.
  3. He would need to make fitness/healthy habits more important.
  4. He would need to go to the dentist.
  5. Less drinking when we are together. No drinking when we need to talk about anything important.
  6. He needs to wash his hands more often.

He hasn’t actually said he wants to get back together. He just says he feels all the roads point back to me and him being together. This is bittersweet since we could have stayed together if his insecurities hadn’t gotten the best of him. He opened his mouth and horrible things came out, not just once but several times.

Am I being unreasonable with my list?

Are women takers?

I guess the real question I was presented was, “do women like guys for what they can get, and only for what they can get?” I thought this was an odd question. I entertained it because this particular person who brought it up was a man I was previously in a relationship. The precursor to this question was, “I have heard recently the only things loved unconditionally are women, children, and pets.” So the lead in was him sharing that women couldn’t love men unconditionally. He had agreed with the statement and I just shook my head in the negative. I told him I didn’t agree and the question hanging in the air that I asked was, “did you love me unconditionally?” His response was, “Of course, the best I could.” I’m still not sure I agree considering all the break-ups and mis-starts along the way. He did not return the question asking about my unconditional love to him. I didn’t volunteer the answer if the question wasn’t asked.

I have heard the flip side of this question many times in circles of women, “Men are just takers. They only want one thing, Men don’t care about anything but themselves.” Here’s the thing, I don’t think this is true and I don’t think this is a man or woman things. If you look at it from a biology stand point, women want men that are protectors and providers. Men want women that will nurture and manage. If you follow John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, you will learn way more about these concepts. It is biological to our hormones. Yes, there are women that will gut a man financially. Did he realize it was happening? I certainly hopes so! There had to be something he was getting in return; a beautiful woman on his arm, a cheerleader, a confidant, sex, ego stroking, or a good homemade meal. I am not talking about scammers and the people that fall prey. I am talking about smart, suave men. There is a reason why men want to drive fancy fast cars. It is the equivalent to a man advertising he can take care of a woman financially, These days it isn’t exactly the same since just about anyone can have a fancy fast car with car payments for the next 10 years. I’m sure you understand what I mean.

Now for me, and the situation of my last relationship, he didn’t make any grand financial gestures. There weren’t any expensive gifts or exotic vacations. He paid for meals and drinks out. I always showed gratitude and thankfulness at these times. This was important to me. I like a man that is generous. I’m not a woman that feels loved by gifts. I cooked my share of meals, paid my part for vacations, and thought all was good. So tonight, was a real poke in my ribs.

So lets go back to what men are looking for in women. Attraction, chemistry, sexual desire, how soft they are, how they smell, how sweet they are. How many men that see a woman and feel aroused by her are really interested in what she does for work. She could be living in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other women and be looking for her dream job. Does he really care? NOPE! I’m not saying this is all women or all men. This is a generalization.

The answer to the question that he didn’t ask earlier, yes, I did love him as unconditionally as I loved anyone besides my kids. Did the demise of our relationship cause me grief? Yes. Does loving someone unconditionally mean you stay in it when someone verbally attacks you? Maybe once or twice, but more than that? What are the fine points of unconditional love? In many ways I still love him. The type of love has changed. Do I want to mend and forgive and forget? The first couple/few times I did. At the point when my character was attacked, that was enough for me. The sad thing is, this still keeps happening. I have separated myself from him as much as I can, considering the circumstances. The reality is; I can’t think of him as a loving companion any more.

Tonight, he picked me up to take care of some business. He asked if I want to join him for casual drinks with some coworkers. I reluctantly said yes. He paid for my drink. Afterward, this conversation came up. He also asked why I always count on him to get what I need wherever we go. It is as simple as; he invited me. I had no interest in going and hanging out with his work guys. I had a good time, because that is the kind of person I am. Am I a taker? I guess I am sometimes. Do I know how to love a man unconditionally? I would say yes.

Does anyone see this different? I am open to seeing my blind spots.

Evening with strangers – the beginning

Last summer I was reading a book called, “Your Money or Your Life”. The book is awesome and I highly recommend it. The author challenged dreams and desires. She said to dig down deeper to figure out why we have certain dreams and desires. So I did just that and a MeetUp was born.

I have always loved to travel. I am curious about the world and how different cultures work. This is probably why I love meeting people. I dream of travel, seeing new lands, meeting new people. I’ve pictured myself in foreign lands, living in a village, getting to know the people and their ways. In the process of digging deeper, I realized this basic desire comes from the fact that I love meeting new people. Yes, I love seeing new places, but I can find those all around me, the states close to me, and the country I live in.

My mind shifted to; how do I meet new people outside of my dating life? Plus, I didn’t want to be dating the rest of my life. I could join some new clubs, scour Meetup for groups I would be interested in, or just have people over for a meal and talk. The first thing that popped into my head was “Dinner with 10 strangers”. I could host a quiet meal with questions that would open people up, let them drop their walls, and really share. Yes, this is what I wanted!

I kicked around the idea with some friends that were less than enthusiastic about me having strangers in my home. I talked to my guy (who wasn’t my guy at the time) and he was on-board and intrigued. He asked about the questions I would ask, I came up with a list. He asked how it would be mediated, I wrote up some guidelines. Boom, it started to come together.

By this time, I was getting my house back in order after my 2017-18 remodel. My house was still a disaster and I was gearing up to go to Italy. My heart was in a bit of turmoil thinking I wouldn’t have Mel around when I got back from my trip. The last thing I wanted to do was to get tied to him in my scheme. As fate had planned, Mel and I were together when I arrived home. Yay!

Mel tied me down one evening and said we should create a MeetUp group, Dinner with Strangers. Unfortunately, that name was taken by someone on the east coast. We settled on Evening with Strangers instead. We hosted our first event on December 5th. We had 4 strangers for dinner. It was a fun evening, just the way I was hoping. We had a second and third potluck with 1 stranger and 2 strangers. All good times!

We hope the attendance will grow. We have invited people we know since the questions we ask give a deeper understanding of people. Answering the questions myself, out loud to others, has given me insight into my deeper beliefs and longings. I feel like I am getting to know myself and Mel better. It is a really good exercise. And exactly what I desire; I’m meeting new people and seeing how others think and feel.

Navigating grown children while dating

I’ve been divorced for almost 9 years, April 15, 2019 is the anniversary of when the paper was signed. I started dating slowly when I went “back on the market”. Online dating in 2010 was much different than it is now. I had a few significant relationships along the way, some lasting as little as 3 months. I learned much while dating. I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and what I wanted. Most of the time it was fun, sometimes exhausting.

My kids (3 of them) are grown now, they are all on their own. My youngest will be 21 in a couple months. She is in college and the only dependent I have left. Both of my daughters live relatively close by….it is nice to see them for dinner or on a whim. We all have busy lives and try to make time when we can. My son lives in Las Vegas and he gets a phone call when we feel like chatting.

Dating when the kids were younger was much different than it is now. The question of whether the guy was going to meet my kids is a thing of the past. In the early days, I would wait until I thought I had a significant relationship with the guy, then he could meet my kids. My kids met 3 men in the first 5 years. I think my kids disliked them all. My kids thought one stole me away from their dad, a couple were really old, one was crazy and moody. To be fair, a couple were 10-14 years older than me, one did turn out to be angry and moody, but the accusation that one stole me from their dad, absurd.

My kids knew I was dating and as they got older and I became more relaxed with dating, the lines were blurred. If a man offered to cook me a meal and my kids showed up, they met him. One short-term boyfriend was in the same area where I was celebrating Christmas with my family. I invited him over and he spent the afternoon with my whole family. AND it wasn’t awkward. That same man popped in and out of family stuff for a month before the relationship ended. It might have been the first man my kids really liked.

There have been brief meetings of men and my kids throughout the years. One I thought was going to be a brief relationship has turned into a 4.5 year friendship. He has rented my basement for the last 2.5 years. We don’t spend very much time together these days, but he is always welcome to holidays I host. My kids didn’t like him at first but they see he has a good heart and they have gotten used to him.

The guy in my life now was my friend for a year before we decided to have a relationship. He has 3 grown kids and a handful of grandsons. I met his son and parents before dating started. He met and spent time with my daughters also, even met my parents too. Now that we have an established relationship, I have met his daughters also.

The life of now navigating through this time with all of our grown kids is so much different than it was 9 years ago. My guy’s daughter told me I could take over the job as grandma. She asked me what I would like her sons to call me. I told her grandma was fine though my grandson calls me Nana. She chose Nana.

My daughter told us we couldn’t move. Who would be around to watch her kids when she and her husband decided to have some? News flash girlie, your momma works and couldn’t watch your kids like your Oma was able to watch you. This has been a struggle for me to consider as my kids have grown.

Both of our youngest daughters are not really involved. A lunch or breakfast here and there, that is about it. His son and girlfriend we see the most. They spend a lot of time at the house which I enjoy. In all, the kids are good people. They haven’t met each other yet and someday we might try to make that happen.

My family has accepted my guy. I feel happy and it makes things much easier. They expect him to be joining me when they want to see me. I think his family feels the same about me. It has become this comfortable and warm place. I feel grateful. My kids can be themselves and so can I.

How will things go in the future? I’m only guessing good things will happen. Kids will be kids, even when they are grown. My hope is when the kids meet, they will enjoy each other’s company. What more could a mom hope for? They don’t need to be friends or buddies. Boy, am I thankful they won’t have to share a house!

Mourning those still living

Have you ever had a relationship go wrong and it consumed you? A breakup you couldn’t let go of? A person mistreated you and it defines you? Your family member doesn’t treat you the way they did before and you are angry?

My momma told me when I was a little girl that life wasn’t fair. The sooner I could figure that out the happier I would be.

This week has brought me back to that statement again. Also, the delicate balance of family, relationships, forgiveness, conflicts, stubbornness, and a hundred different things. I think mourning is a very important, often overlooked step in life’s processes.

Story: brothers grow up with an age gap and vastly different personalities. As life goes on, brothers recognize (or don’t) their differences, but enjoy spending time together. They have common interests. Younger brother is involved in his nieces and nephew’s lives. It isn’t paradise, but family life is good. Younger brother gets married and doesn’t think it is cool to hang out with his family anymore. Divorce happens, family is back. Another marriage and a child. Nieces and nephew grow up, older brother divorces. Harsh words are said between brothers and wife. Time passes and older brother, nieces, and nephew still make an effort to contact younger brother, which he ignores. This situation starts consuming the whole family. Younger brother has a heart attack, the family shows up at the hospital. Younger brother’s wife is barely civil. Days at the hospital roll by as younger brother is sedated to heal. Older brother is consumed and conflicted.

Families are tricky. At least mine is and the one I speak of above in the simplest terms is also. I am living through a sister-in-law that doesn’t like our family. This barely bothers me anymore. Twenty-five years ago, my brother made choices and it wasn’t what my side of the family was hoping for. This consumed family conversations, my heart, and my thoughts for years. Truth is, we wanted life to be fair….it wasn’t. We still had my brother but in a different way. We still have him now in limited capacity. My sister-in-law didn’t go to my daughter’s wedding or her own daughter’s graduation party (from high school or college). We all have choices, and for years, I was letting someone else’s choices cause me mental and emotional energy drain. I finally put my foot down and said, “I’m done giving this woman power. I refuse to keep beating the same dead horse over and over. I’m done talking about it.” It went over like a lead balloon when I said this to my family. My sister-in-law and brother are not bad people, they make choices different than mine. They are who they are. My kids deal with it on their own. I see and talk to my brother when I can and I always send best wishes to his wife. I feel much freer and easy about it these days.

There have been countless situations where I got stubborn and refused to let things go. I was right, they were wrong, this isn’t fair, why did they do this! Why can’t they just admit how wrong they were/are and ask for forgiveness? This is so sinister….if I hold on to this hurt, anger, righteousness, they will pay! What!!!???? Do you think they care at all? Do you think they know how it is tearing me up? Maybe, but what is it doing to them? NOTHING! We are so self-centered.

Here is what I know to be true….I am sad things aren’t the way I would want them to be. Is it my fault or their fault? Maybe nobody’s fault? Once I can recognize this I need to mourn it. Cry, get angry, cut my hair, wear black! Mourn the picture of the way I wanted it to be. I may not fully accept the way it is right now, but mourning it is a good start. Once the old picture is dead to me, I can look at the situation with an open heart and fresh eyes. So what my sister-in-law doesn’t like any of us! So what she chooses not to attend amazing family events! Do I care anymore? No! I have compassion on my brother, and even her for that matter. I don’t know what his life looks like on the inside. It probably isn’t very fun. Then, my life goes on.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. -Margaret Stunt

News flash, drinking poison doesn’t kill them! Mourning the way we wanted things to be and forgiving all the “wrongdoing” (if it actually was wrong), takes away the poison. That poison was only destroying my life, not theirs. Beating the dead horse gets old…and stinky. We don’t forgive to let the other person off the hook, we do it so we can heal.

Back to the story of the brothers. When the older brother mourns the loss of the way he wanted his brother’s story to go, he will be open to the way it exists now. Let go of the dead horse. Forgive the younger brother’s choices, mourn him, because he may never come back into his life. Once he gives him up he can just say, “that’s who/how my younger brother is”. Mourn, forgive, accept. We don’t have to wait until someone dies to mourn them!

Down to the wire…..

Two months ago I left for Italy with my mom. Time has flown by! The trip to Italy and cruise to Greece for 3.5 weeks with my mom was amazing. I will write about it later and share some pictures.

To recap; during the month of September Mel and I were struggling to figure out where our relationship would land when I returned from my trip. We were good friends, we had a connection, and we shared a good dose of chemistry. What was the problem? I wanted to find my person and if he wasn’t it, I was going to move on, without him. I had already started the process of mourning our relationship. I was willing to risk our friendship to see if we could have more, Mel was not. This was the beginning of a slow goodbye.

The weekend before my Italy trip, Mel invited me to a VW event at the coast. I was excited to go with him and meet new people. I also had a feeling of deep sadness knowing this was probably going to be our last outing together.

He picked me up Saturday morning and we left for the club meeting place. We never have a lack of things to talk about and getting to the place an hour early was no big deal. I met some new people and saw some I had met through the summer events. Mel and I chatted with the others and just between the two of us. I did my best to focus on these wonderful moments.

On the road heading for the coast, I was quiet for some time (this is unusual for me). Mel asked if I was trying to figure out what he was thinking (about our situation). I said I wasn’t, but I was trying to figure out how I felt. In my heart I was grappling with the sadness, trying to feel it but enjoy the present. I do, at times, try to figure others out, but I am not very good at it. I hadn’t wasted too much time trying to figure out Mel, but instead, taking the time to figure out how I felt with the situation.

I have loved Mel since my birthday at the end of 2017. He is a good and caring man. I had resisted falling in love with him. Our relationship has always been grounded on acceptance and friendship. Even knowing he didn’t want to be with me romantically, our friendship was still our place of security.

The coast was fun. We drove on the beach and parked for a potluck. We ate and visited then decided to move the cars due to the tide. The rain was holding off so Mel and I took a walk down the beach with another couple. I held Mel’s hand and held back my tears. I felt joy too, and I wanted to soak it in.

We headed back from the coast and unfortunately, the vehicle we were in, broke down. This can happen when you drive classics! Mel was very disappointed. I was just happy we were safe and it was something he could eventually fix. The tow truck arrived, loaded the bus, and off we went toward home. We had a fun visit with the tow truck driver. We asked him about “the spark” and his girlfriend. An interesting conversation flowed.

We got back to Mel’s and unloaded the bus. We went inside and had a drink. We talked about the day and what he thought the problem was with the bus. We snuggled on the sofa and watched a movie. Mel kissed me and I kissed him back. He pulled back, looked at me, and asked me to stay. I asked what kind of stay over he meant, since we had camped together without any sex and I wasn’t sure if he was thinking sleeping only. We had respected the no sex boundary for almost a whole year. I hadn’t even considered it would be lifted before I left for my trip. This time, there wouldn’t be that boundary. He made a decision and chose to take the risk of our relationship being more than friends. I cried with feelings of happiness, relief, and love. It felt like someone reached into my chest and was squeezing my heart. I felt full. I felt breathless. I felt good.

Is this the beginning (again) of a beautiful relationship? Time will tell. To start a romance off with a month apart….we will see.

Fear of failure, scared of success

I was married for 17 years and I failed. I failed to continue to live with a relationship that I felt empty in. I failed to keep my family together. I failed to be a good Christian wife and woman. I failed to sacrifice myself for others. I failed to stick it out. I failed to figure out what wasn’t working. I failed to understand why my husband wasn’t giving me what I needed in our marriage. I failed to keep our businesses successful. I failed to pray enough, to trust God enough, to be enough. I failed to do it all. I FAILED!

As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!

 

The almighty SPARK!

When was the last time you felt the spark for someone? Did you start dating the person who you felt the spark for? Was it mutual? Did the relationship work out? Do you chase after the next spark? How quickly does the spark fade? How often does the spark grow into a bonfire? Is this “spark” something you can explain?

I had dinner with Mel last night. He told me he didn’t feel a spark for me, that was what the problem was. This is what I thought it was all along, so this is nothing new. What did come to light is how he compared me, and everyone else to Darla when we met. He probably continued to do it until a couple of months ago. I will have to ask him. Now he compares every woman he meets to me. This is a recipe for disaster. I’m not sure if he sees it, but I do. Will either of us find someone else if we keep comparing? Will either of us feel “the spark” for someone new with the comparisons? I think this is what happened between Mel and I. He was looking for someone better than Darla, but I am not better than Darla, I am different than Darla. Like Mel said last night, he and I look perfect on paper….politics, religion, retirement, business, fun, acceptance, finances….but he doesn’t feel “the spark”. He feels sexual desire for me but not the spark. He doesn’t want to have sex with me because he knows it will change everything. What he may not be considering is that everything will change when I go back to dating. I will have to give him up because the comparisons will have to stop. As long as he is filling part of what I need (from my future love), I will not find a man to fill the empty places I need him to fill. There are only a few options that I can see:

* We part ways
* We have sex and everything is fantastic
* We have sex and part ways
* We part ways and Mel feels the spark for me

I can only remember one time in the last 25 years that I have felt a real spark. It was with truck driver Matt a few years ago. The chemistry and magnetism were so strong, my skin felt electrified, I could hardly breathe, let alone put two words together. The first time and every time he touched me, it was amazing. I could have died a happy woman in his arms. That lasted 3 months and it burned out. I cried everyday for 3 months after we broke up. This is life.

People grow on me. Do I think my feelings for Mel are real? Yes, because I know him, I trust him, I feel safe with him. I have fun with him. I think for the most part, he wants to make me happy and he does make me happy. Life is complicated and if I can’t make him happy then I need to be on my way….spark or no spark.

“The closer we get to what we truly desire, the more obstacles we place in its way.”

Goodbye my nerdy neighbor

OK, he isn’t a close neighbor, but he lives about 5 minutes away. Where I grew up, that is a neighbor. I met my neighbor online in October. The weather was still warm during the day but cooling at night. Our first meeting was at a little wine bar near my house. We sat near the big rolling door that was open to let in the warm afternoon breeze. We had our first glass of wine and the talking didn’t stop for 3 hours. During our second glass, the sun was setting and it was cooling down. We moved over to the sofa and continued sharing. We agreed on some of the basic foundational beliefs; religion, politics, and what we were hoping to find with our dating life. We were both looking for that person to fill in the empty spots that friends can’t.

Attraction and chemistry; it was hard for me to determine. He was entertaining and fun to talk to. He had a great sense of humor. It is weird to talk about him in the past tense since he is still alive and I suppose I can give him a name….let’s call him Mel (short and sweet)! We talked about so much, we did hit it off. We were told the bar was closing so we said goodbye and hugged. I wasn’t sure I would see him again. First meetings are always this precarious balance of; “Wow, I had a great time but did he?” or “I liked him but not sure if he is going to contact me again.” Mel did stay in contact.

We had our first date the next week at another wine bar. He knew I liked wine and made an effort to make me comfortable. We continued to have good rapport and explored deeper subjects like online dating, porn, and sexual compatibility. I felt completely at ease talking to Mel….it was refreshing. He wasn’t the typical type I have dated. I am not opposed to the nerdy type but generally I don’t usually attract that type. Mel was handsome in his own way. If I saw him across the bar I wouldn’t wonder who the hunk was. But his smile was disarming and his direct, no nonsense way was attractive. He was smart, had a good job, and was quirky. And he loved Volkswagens….the old ones.

He asked if I was hungry (which I almost always am) and I said yes. We walked down to the BBQ place and sat at the bar and shared a meat platter and sides. I determined I liked him. We were both dating heavily, working our way through a lot of people. He had an active social life, which again, I think is a good thing. He made a comment about women stepping up during dating and I wasn’t sure what he meant. I blew it off. We finished there and he walked me to my car. We hugged and had our first kiss. It was nice and comfortable. Passionate? not really but a really nice start.

Mel continued to message me each day and we set up another date. We decided to meet at my local sports bar. We ate nachos and shared stories of dating and what we were still looking for….talked about our kids and struggles. I told him I appreciated his generosity and consistency. Consistency is very hard to find in the dating world….at least longer than the first week. He walked me home and I showed him my house that was getting remodeled. He kissed me good night and it was even better than the last.

The big date came when Mel asked me to his house for dinner. In the dating world this is the biggie because going into a man’s space can lead to intimacy in many different ways. Most men are looking for a woman to accept his space, his personal space that is all him. Also, a dinner and some wine can lead to touching and even sex on occasion. This was our 4th date and I wasn’t sure which way this would go. We were certainly open about sex and attraction but it was not something he talked about wanting with me. He fed me salmon and asparagus that he had already prepared. After dinner he showed me around. As he walked me through his house he showed me this huge pile of boxes. He said it was powdered milk and cereal. He said it wasn’t his stuff but his business partner, Darla’s. I will call her Darla because I want to. So I asked some questions about Darla and what the nature of the partnership was. Mel said they worked on business ideas together and bounced things off each other. Darla had the cereal left after the close out of a business. Mel showed me around his house and all the improvements he had made and wanted to make. I liked his home, it was tidy and clean. He showed me the car he was working on in the garage. We finished off one bottle of wine and Mel opened a second. He hadn’t put any moves on me and we sat back down at the kitchen counter. I was a little perplexed as he poured me another glass of wine and sat on the barstool next to me. We talked for hours then it was time for me to leave. I took my glass into the kitchen and he followed. He hugged me and kissed me. He pressed up against me and I could tell it was causing some reaction. He ran his hands up the sides of my breasts and I took a deep breath. He leaned back and looked at me then said he would walk me to the door. Hmmm, he is a real gentleman. I am a little confused but hey, I’m all for waiting for more physical contact.

One evening later that week, Mel called me out of the blue and asked if I would like to meet him at my bar. I said sure. I walked down and he had ordered the nachos again. Am I so easily readable? He said he had a date that was short and sweet. He was headed back this way and wanted to see me. I was happy he did, I was enjoying my time with him. He told me he had been to the airport to pick up his ex girlfriend. Then he told me he was offended she expected him to put her luggage in the trunk of the car. And she expected him to carry it up the stairs to her place. This concerned me because I had never heard a man voice such a thing as being offensive. I knew Mel liked strong, independent women but I thought this was extreme. I shared that I would expect the same from a man. I would also be grateful and appreciate the lifter of the suitcase. He replies that us women want it both ways. We want to be strong and do things our own ways but then we want men to take care of us. Now I am really confused. I don’t feel defensive but not sure if he really feels this way or is playing the devil’s advocate. We question each other a little more and he seems clear that he is not a supporter of women being admired and loved just by “being” but they need to step up and perform like a man. There is no value in just “being” but everyone has to “do”. This goes against what I believe concerning man and woman relationships. I was expected to “do” or perform while I was married and I ended up doing way too much. I was tired and not comfortable wearing the masculine pants in the relationship (even though I didn’t have the control just the responsibility). This coming from Mel was shocking. I didn’t know what to think but he continued to make me believe that I would find myself in the same situation with him. He would take the backseat and I would do the work. Yikes! We parted that night and I felt conflicted. He seemed very adamant about this and this was a situation I didn’t want to get caught up in.

What is a girl to do? I enjoy his company but pretty sure this can’t be the relationship I am looking for. I buy a Groupon for smoked turkey legs and ask Mel out. He agrees and I tell him I will drive. He seems confused by this and I say I am stepping up. I go by his house and pick him up. We head out to another city with GPS to guide us. GPS doesn’t help and in the process of trying to find it, we find out the turkey leg place is closed. Oh well, I am flexible, let’s find another place. We find a nice place and we go in. Mel is a bit perplexed by my forwardness in insisting on driving. He is hurt that I didn’t want to ride in his bug. I tell him it has nothing to do with that but completely with stepping up and putting on my big boy panties. I tell him I took to heart his suitcase story and decided to be the guy. I was taking control and stepping up. Now he is totally uncomfortable and tells me that he doesn’t like the way it feels. I let him know that I took to heart what he said and I don’t think we are probably going to work out as romantic partners. I want to be valued just for being not in the doing. He says he is not sure he understands and isn’t sure he stands behind what he said during the suitcase story. We had a lovely dinner and against my best efforts, he still pays for dinner.

Two days later Mel asks me out to the turkey leg place. He says he found it and he would drive this time. It made me giggle since he was being the man. He knows where we are going and he is going to take us there. I agree and I’m looking forward to it. The evening comes and I get a text that he is running a few minutes late. No problem. Then 5 minutes later I get a call that his car broke down. I start to laugh and ask what does this mean? Do I need to come and pick him up? Is he going to be waiting for a tow truck? He says he will roll the car over to a parking place and jump on the train. If I can pick him up at the train station, we can go to dinner. I think this is hilarious. Poor guy is doing his best to prove he is the man and his car breaks down. I pick him up and off we go. Turkey leg place is a converted warehouse but cool. Mel was very attentive and we compete to get the napkins, go to the bar for more beers, and throwing the trash away. I am amused by this change, or was it a change? Is he just more aware or am I more aware? Either way, we have a good time. We chat on the way back to his house and he invites me in. He shows some of the things he is getting rid of and what he is changing. He keeps mentioning Darla. He says she doesn’t like this or she likes that. I finally ask if he is sleeping with her. He says he is. This explains a lot! I tell him how I was confused how he invited me over for dinner and didn’t make the moves on me….didn’t even take me to the sofa after dinner. I ask him why he is dating if they are business partners and sleeping together. He tells me she has some narrow and black and white views of life. He wants someone more open-minded. He said they met through a dating site and he values her more as business partner than a romantic partner. I can understand how this goes since I have Richard in my life. I have little emotional attachment to him beyond friendship.

I continue to see Mel at least once a week. We have a great time together and we are completely open with each other. I have met another man that I am very excited about and I begin to date him. Mel is still dating up a storm and not finding anyone that fits. I ask him if he is keeping Darla as his back-up plan. He thinks for a moment and says that maybe the others are the Darla back-up plan. He tells me in some ways all things point to Darla. Maybe Darla is the “one”. If this is the case, why is he still dating? Why not just throw in the towel with Darla and make it official, have a full blown relationship with her? He tells me she doesn’t like to do his stuff with him and doesn’t have much gray area in her life. Once she makes up her mind how something should be, it goes into a box and that is just the way it is. I take that at face value and don’t think much of it.

The guy I was dating breaks things off….that is another story. I am sad and I miss him but life moves forward. It is a week before Christmas so I don’t have a lot of time to wallow. I squeeze in a few dates then I go out with Mel and tell him the other guy died (just kidding). He tells me he thinks I am awesome and beautiful. I am very touched by his way of easing my pain. Christmas comes and goes and my birthday arrives. I invite Mel and a few other friends to go out for my birthday. I have an amazing birthday and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I continue dating and feeling lonely. Mel and I are hanging out together more, he helps me get one of my computers back in operation and sees some revealing pictures (we joke about it). One night we go to dinner and we go back to my house and we kiss. It isn’t the little kisses we have shared before but these are the type that lead to something more. He picks me up from my eye dilation and feeds me the next day. The day after that I go over to his house. He shows me some of the things he is working on and keeps talking about Darla doing this or that. I ask about how woven together their lives are and he disagrees. He says there is still not a real relationship there. I accept that and we snuggle on his sofa. I start to feel something for him but determine it is just because we are spending so much time with each other.

A few days later Mel comes to my house to help me with my computer again. I just got out of the shower and put on my relaxation clothes. He works on my computer and sits behind me on the chair. He touches me and wakes me. I know he is monogamous with Darla and I don’t want to start something that isn’t going to lead to a long term relationship. We both play it off but it felt very good. I am sexually vulnerable at this time but I don’t want to be stupid.

Mel calls me on a Friday night and asks if I (the cutie) wants to go out. I’m at the gym and tell him I can be ready in 30 minutes. I get home, message him I will leave the front door unlocked because I might be more than 30 minutes. 3 minutes later he walks in. He has been drinking and is very touchy. He goes upstairs with me and helps me pick out my clothes. I am ready for my shower and he asks if he can sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I bathe. If he wants to see me naked, I have no problem. He is a gentleman and we chat while I am in the shower. Undressing and dressing in front of someone is a very intimate thing for me. I get ready and we go out. He picks this fabulous place with the best steak I have had in a long time. We are having a great time. We go next door and have another drink. I am very comfortable with him and wonder why I don’t have or can’t have this with someone that is more available. We go back to my place and we kiss and touch and things do escalate. There is not sex but it is hot! Shoot, wow, geez!

The next week we go out for dinner. Mel tells me that he won’t be giving up Darla for many months. I jokingly say I will try my best not to sleep with him. Haha! The next day I realize that I need to back off. I am chasing him and he just told me she is going to be staying in his life sexually and professionally. I feel the sting and let it go. I don’t make any move to see Mel. I make an appointment to see Mel’s dad and Mel comes with him. We talk about my remodel and they leave. Mel returns after he drops off his dad. He tells me he broke it off with Darla. Their relationship will be just business now. He and I talk about what we both want out of a relationship. I didn’t ask if he wanted that with me but here he is sitting at my table telling me Darla is out. I tell him I don’t want a 50% relationship and if we all just put up with a 50% or a 25% we will never have room for a 100%. I want 100% and I am willing to do someone else’s stuff and have a good time. I have my own stuff that I would like someone to enjoy doing.

Mel contacts me Saturday while I am on a dud date. After my date he asks if I want to come over. I head to his house for some wine. I walk in and see some new artwork on his wall and say I like it. He said Darla gave it to him. How nice of her! He shows me a new cabinet he bought. I like it, it suits him and his house. He gets me a glass of wine and he shows me his spare room. Darla has made all the bedding. Wow. We chat about Mel’s lunch with the woman that he used to live with, Abby, and her husband. He is concerned her relationship is ending with her husband. He has a heart and it is nice to see he is concerned. I ask him when he got the cabinet and he tells me he drove out of town today to get it and Darla went with him. Hold on! What? Was this business? Nope, just didn’t want to drive alone. Darla lined up some garage sales to go to also but she was kinda crabby. What the heck! No wonder she was crabby, you don’t break up with a woman then ask her to spend the day with you. Really? I can feel myself slipping into annoyance. He says, yeah that is probably what I did wrong the other times we broke up, we spent too much time together then I end up sleeping with her again. I ask him why he didn’t ask me. He said he didn’t know if I would like to go. Not asking is a sure way of never knowing. Then he tells me she had the garage sale stuff all lined up. We watch a movie and I get ready to leave. He says he may want to go to breakfast in the morning and I tell him I am available. We have a single soft kiss goodbye.

The next morning, no call for breakfast. I decide to go to the coast with Richard, who calls me on a whim and I say yes. Mel doesn’t contact me all day. I am hurt. I realize I have feeling for him otherwise I wouldn’t care. I do care. I care that Darla is in Mel’s life and it is going to be like that for a very long time. He might be willing to settle for a 50-75% relationship but I am not. My heart hurts because I understand he will keep choosing her, they have history, and she “does” for him. I don’t want to win any man by doing. After a restless night and morning I compose this message:

Good morning Mel. I considered doing this
face to face but I know avoiding emotional
awkwardness (tears) is important. I started
to develop feelings for you a few weeks ago.
I am looking for my person to fill my empty
spots and you are not available. I see now
you already have someone in your life
and home. She is everywhere and I can’t
see you anymore. I feel sad and I need to
stop before I continue to make a fool of
myself.

His response:

I understand

This is the end to a wonderful friendship that could have been a great romantic relationship. I know I did the right thing. It was not good for me to be twisted in Mel and Darla’s game. My heart wishes Mel would choose me but my mind knows he will stay with what he knows, even if it is less than 100%. He will probably go back to dating to see if he can find a perfect replacement for Darla or his next back-up plan. Each time Darla rejects him he will know there might be a woman out there that will accept him. He may have even already met her and rejected her.

Cancer?

I have wondered how I would feel if someone close to me got cancer. My grandparents got lung cancer and died when they were in their 80s (I was in my 40s). I know this was very hard for my mom and aunts and someday I might have to go through it with my own parents. My kids have never been really sick or suffered any prolonged illness. I am truly blessed in this way.

Last night a friend told me he fears he has cancer. After going to the doctor for what he thought was a broken finger, he found out it could be something more serious. He got x-rays that showed the bone closest to his hand was hollow. This took several radiologists and doctors to read correctly. Many had never seen anything like this before. This has a name that I can’t remember but basically it is diagnosed as a tumor in the finger/hand. His bone looks like a hollow crab shell and could break at any time.

Since my friend is in the medical field he looked up the diagnosis and read it was a precursor to bone cancer. Three years ago, when we first met, he was having some health issues. At that time they thought he had leukemia. It was a scary time for him but it was correctly diagnosed as a B vitamin absorption problem instead. Now he is wondering if all these blood issues could be pointing to what he is hoping isn’t true. If he does have bone cancer, did it start there or does he have cancer some other place in his body?

He is meeting with his primary doctor today to talk about what this could mean. His doctor said he shouldn’t jump to any conclusions. Likely, several tests will be ordered, PET and MRI, blood work will be run. Until there are answers, we wait.

How do I feel? I feel scared and anxious. I feel sad and concerned. I feel mushy inside. I have cried a few times and find myself on the verge of tears. Answers come quickly, please.

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