I should be working on taxes….I can do that tomorrow. I decided to be a bit creative and reason out some thoughts swirling in my mind.

Thought/question for the day: what would my ex and I have to do to consider getting back together?

Backstory; we have been done romantically for 2.5 years. We bought property together in 2021. The house was a fixer and the whole property needed work. I work remotely and have a project management mindset so I was the one tasked with living in a trailer on the property and making the magic happen. The house remodel was wrapped up in early 2022 (about 8 months time). It was a big accomplishment but all I felt was sadness. I lost my relationship early in the project. Maybe I will write another post about that journey.

Last year he tried to get a loan to buy me out and I tried to do the same. Neither of us could accomplish it since it is commercial property. So we are stuck in this business together. We had some very rocky times even before going into this business/property together. Was getting hooked together in this way the best idea? Probably not….hindsight is 20/20. So many hurtful things were said and when I mention times he came unglued, he goes back into the rage he felt at the time. Needless to say, it makes it almost impossible to sort anything out.

Forward to present. I am back to dating, as is he. We have shared some really good times together the last couple months. I have let myself play the “what if” game. What if we were able to get past those nasty things he said? What would need to change to make me even consider?

Here is my list:

1. He would need to get personal counseling.
2. We would need to get couples counseling.
3. He would need to make fitness/healthy habits more important.
4. He would need to go to the dentist.
5. Less drinking when we are together. No drinking when we need to talk about anything important.
6. He needs to wash his hands more often.

He hasn’t actually said he wants to get back together. He just says he feels all the roads point back to me and him being together. This is bittersweet since we could have stayed together if his insecurities hadn’t gotten the best of him. He opened his mouth and horrible things came out, not just once but several times.

Am I being unreasonable with my list?

I have heard the flip side of this question many times in circles of women, “Men are just takers. They only want one thing, Men don’t care about anything but themselves.” Here’s the thing, I don’t think this is true and I don’t think this is a man or woman things. If you look at it from a biology stand point, women want men that are protectors and providers. Men want women that will nurture and manage. If you follow John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, you will learn way more about these concepts. It is biological to our hormones. Yes, there are women that will gut a man financially. Did he realize it was happening? I certainly hopes so! There had to be something he was getting in return; a beautiful woman on his arm, a cheerleader, a confidant, sex, ego stroking, or a good homemade meal. I am not talking about scammers and the people that fall prey. I am talking about smart, suave men. There is a reason why men want to drive fancy fast cars. It is the equivalent to a man advertising he can take care of a woman financially, These days it isn’t exactly the same since just about anyone can have a fancy fast car with car payments for the next 10 years. I’m sure you understand what I mean.

Now for me, and the situation of my last relationship, he didn’t make any grand financial gestures. There weren’t any expensive gifts or exotic vacations. He paid for meals and drinks out. I always showed gratitude and thankfulness at these times. This was important to me. I like a man that is generous. I’m not a woman that feels loved by gifts. I cooked my share of meals, paid my part for vacations, and thought all was good. So tonight, was a real poke in my ribs.

So lets go back to what men are looking for in women. Attraction, chemistry, sexual desire, how soft they are, how they smell, how sweet they are. How many men that see a woman and feel aroused by her are really interested in what she does for work. She could be living in a one bedroom apartment with 3 other women and be looking for her dream job. Does he really care? NOPE! I’m not saying this is all women or all men. This is a generalization.

The answer to the question that he didn’t ask earlier, yes, I did love him as unconditionally as I loved anyone besides my kids. Did the demise of our relationship cause me grief? Yes. Does loving someone unconditionally mean you stay in it when someone verbally attacks you? Maybe once or twice, but more than that? What are the fine points of unconditional love? In many ways I still love him. The type of love has changed. Do I want to mend and forgive and forget? The first couple/few times I did. At the point when my character was attacked, that was enough for me. The sad thing is, this still keeps happening. I have separated myself from him as much as I can, considering the circumstances. The reality is; I can’t think of him as a loving companion any more.

Tonight, he picked me up to take care of some business. He asked if I want to join him for casual drinks with some coworkers. I reluctantly said yes. He paid for my drink. Afterward, this conversation came up. He also asked why I always count on him to get what I need wherever we go. It is as simple as; he invited me. I had no interest in going and hanging out with his work guys. I had a good time, because that is the kind of person I am. Am I a taker? I guess I am sometimes. Do I know how to love a man unconditionally? I would say yes.

Does anyone see this different? I am open to seeing my blind spots.

My momma told me when I was a little girl that life wasn’t fair. The sooner I could figure that out the happier I would be.

This week has brought me back to that statement again. Also, the delicate balance of family, relationships, forgiveness, conflicts, stubbornness, and a hundred different things. I think mourning is a very important, often overlooked step in life’s processes.

Story: brothers grow up with an age gap and vastly different personalities. As life goes on, brothers recognize (or don’t) their differences, but enjoy spending time together. They have common interests. Younger brother is involved in his nieces and nephew’s lives. It isn’t paradise, but family life is good. Younger brother gets married and doesn’t think it is cool to hang out with his family anymore. Divorce happens, family is back. Another marriage and a child. Nieces and nephew grow up, older brother divorces. Harsh words are said between brothers and wife. Time passes and older brother, nieces, and nephew still make an effort to contact younger brother, which he ignores. This situation starts consuming the whole family. Younger brother has a heart attack, the family shows up at the hospital. Younger brother’s wife is barely civil. Days at the hospital roll by as younger brother is sedated to heal. Older brother is consumed and conflicted.

Families are tricky. At least mine is and the one I speak of above in the simplest terms is also. I am living through a sister-in-law that doesn’t like our family. This barely bothers me anymore. Twenty-five years ago, my brother made choices and it wasn’t what my side of the family was hoping for. This consumed family conversations, my heart, and my thoughts for years. Truth is, we wanted life to be fair….it wasn’t. We still had my brother but in a different way. We still have him now in limited capacity. My sister-in-law didn’t go to my daughter’s wedding or her own daughter’s graduation party (from high school or college). We all have choices, and for years, I was letting someone else’s choices cause me mental and emotional energy drain. I finally put my foot down and said, “I’m done giving this woman power. I refuse to keep beating the same dead horse over and over. I’m done talking about it.” It went over like a lead balloon when I said this to my family. My sister-in-law and brother are not bad people, they make choices different than mine. They are who they are. My kids deal with it on their own. I see and talk to my brother when I can and I always send best wishes to his wife. I feel much freer and easy about it these days.

There have been countless situations where I got stubborn and refused to let things go. I was right, they were wrong, this isn’t fair, why did they do this! Why can’t they just admit how wrong they were/are and ask for forgiveness? This is so sinister….if I hold on to this hurt, anger, righteousness, they will pay! What!!!???? Do you think they care at all? Do you think they know how it is tearing me up? Maybe, but what is it doing to them? NOTHING! We are so self-centered.

Here is what I know to be true….I am sad things aren’t the way I would want them to be. Is it my fault or their fault? Maybe nobody’s fault? Once I can recognize this I need to mourn it. Cry, get angry, cut my hair, wear black! Mourn the picture of the way I wanted it to be. I may not fully accept the way it is right now, but mourning it is a good start. Once the old picture is dead to me, I can look at the situation with an open heart and fresh eyes. So what my sister-in-law doesn’t like any of us! So what she chooses not to attend amazing family events! Do I care anymore? No! I have compassion on my brother, and even her for that matter. I don’t know what his life looks like on the inside. It probably isn’t very fun. Then, my life goes on.

News flash, drinking poison doesn’t kill them! Mourning the way we wanted things to be and forgiving all the “wrongdoing” (if it actually was wrong), takes away the poison. That poison was only destroying my life, not theirs. Beating the dead horse gets old…and stinky. We don’t forgive to let the other person off the hook, we do it so we can heal.

Back to the story of the brothers. When the older brother mourns the loss of the way he wanted his brother’s story to go, he will be open to the way it exists now. Let go of the dead horse. Forgive the younger brother’s choices, mourn him, because he may never come back into his life. Once he gives him up he can just say, “that’s who/how my younger brother is”. Mourn, forgive, accept. We don’t have to wait until someone dies to mourn them!

To recap; during the month of September Mel and I were struggling to figure out where our relationship would land when I returned from my trip. We were good friends, we had a connection, and we shared a good dose of chemistry. What was the problem? I wanted to find my person and if he wasn’t it, I was going to move on, without him. I had already started the process of mourning our relationship. I was willing to risk our friendship to see if we could have more, Mel was not. This was the beginning of a slow goodbye.

The weekend before my Italy trip, Mel invited me to a VW event at the coast. I was excited to go with him and meet new people. I also had a feeling of deep sadness knowing this was probably going to be our last outing together.

He picked me up Saturday morning and we left for the club meeting place. We never have a lack of things to talk about and getting to the place an hour early was no big deal. I met some new people and saw some I had met through the summer events. Mel and I chatted with the others and just between the two of us. I did my best to focus on these wonderful moments.

On the road heading for the coast, I was quiet for some time (this is unusual for me). Mel asked if I was trying to figure out what he was thinking (about our situation). I said I wasn’t, but I was trying to figure out how I felt. In my heart I was grappling with the sadness, trying to feel it but enjoy the present. I do, at times, try to figure others out, but I am not very good at it. I hadn’t wasted too much time trying to figure out Mel, but instead, taking the time to figure out how I felt with the situation.

I have loved Mel since my birthday at the end of 2017. He is a good and caring man. I had resisted falling in love with him. Our relationship has always been grounded on acceptance and friendship. Even knowing he didn’t want to be with me romantically, our friendship was still our place of security.

The coast was fun. We drove on the beach and parked for a potluck. We ate and visited then decided to move the cars due to the tide. The rain was holding off so Mel and I took a walk down the beach with another couple. I held Mel’s hand and held back my tears. I felt joy too, and I wanted to soak it in.

We headed back from the coast and unfortunately, the vehicle we were in, broke down. This can happen when you drive classics! Mel was very disappointed. I was just happy we were safe and it was something he could eventually fix. The tow truck arrived, loaded the bus, and off we went toward home. We had a fun visit with the tow truck driver. We asked him about “the spark” and his girlfriend. An interesting conversation flowed.

We got back to Mel’s and unloaded the bus. We went inside and had a drink. We talked about the day and what he thought the problem was with the bus. We snuggled on the sofa and watched a movie. Mel kissed me and I kissed him back. He pulled back, looked at me, and asked me to stay. I asked what kind of stay over he meant, since we had camped together without any sex and I wasn’t sure if he was thinking sleeping only. We had respected the no sex boundary for almost a whole year. I hadn’t even considered it would be lifted before I left for my trip. This time, there wouldn’t be that boundary. He made a decision and chose to take the risk of our relationship being more than friends. I cried with feelings of happiness, relief, and love. It felt like someone reached into my chest and was squeezing my heart. I felt full. I felt breathless. I felt good.

Is this the beginning (again) of a beautiful relationship? Time will tell. To start a romance off with a month apart….we will see.

As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!