Tag: choices

Back to the Ex?

Welcome 2024! I’m sitting at home on the first snow/ice day of the year. It isn’t very common for us to get weather that keeps us home in the pacific northwest but today is one of those days for me. We have a couple of inches of ice out on the roads which is enough to keep me in. I was going to go for a walk but after a trip to the frozen compost bin, I decided I didn’t want to break my hip today.

I should be working on taxes….I can do that tomorrow. I decided to be a bit creative and reason out some thoughts swirling in my mind.

Thought/question for the day: what would my ex and I have to do to consider getting back together?

Backstory; we have been done romantically for 2.5 years. We bought property together in 2021. The house was a fixer and the whole property needed work. I work remotely and have a project management mindset so I was the one tasked with living in a trailer on the property and making the magic happen. The house remodel was wrapped up in early 2022 (about 8 months time). It was a big accomplishment but all I felt was sadness. I lost my relationship early in the project. Maybe I will write another post about that journey.

Last year he tried to get a loan to buy me out and I tried to do the same. Neither of us could accomplish it since it is commercial property. So we are stuck in this business together. We had some very rocky times even before going into this business/property together. Was getting hooked together in this way the best idea? Probably not….hindsight is 20/20. So many hurtful things were said and when I mention times he came unglued, he goes back into the rage he felt at the time. Needless to say, it makes it almost impossible to sort anything out.

Forward to present. I am back to dating, as is he. We have shared some really good times together the last couple months. I have let myself play the “what if” game. What if we were able to get past those nasty things he said? What would need to change to make me even consider?

Here is my list:

  1. He would need to get personal counseling.
  2. We would need to get couples counseling.
  3. He would need to make fitness/healthy habits more important.
  4. He would need to go to the dentist.
  5. Less drinking when we are together. No drinking when we need to talk about anything important.
  6. He needs to wash his hands more often.

He hasn’t actually said he wants to get back together. He just says he feels all the roads point back to me and him being together. This is bittersweet since we could have stayed together if his insecurities hadn’t gotten the best of him. He opened his mouth and horrible things came out, not just once but several times.

Am I being unreasonable with my list?

Three year plan – moving first steps

I have felt for over a year that change was coming….and I didn’t know what. In the course of the last few months, since returning from Italy at the end of October 2018, several people I have spoken to feel the same way. This feeling has prepared me to be open and looking when it looks like change is here. The first step might be at my door.

My guy came to me a couple weeks ago and said we needed to talk about our three year plan. This didn’t come as a surprise since for a year he and I have been brainstorming what it would be like to leave our jobs. Do we have a definite plan on what we want to do? Nope. This wouldn’t be just leaving our jobs, but what it would look like working on our own terms.

In my case, I won’t be able to retire in 3 years without getting a side hustle and socking a ton of money away. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to have to get another job, but now is the time to build something I can take with me wherever we may land.

For my guy, once he turns 55, he has many options. One big one, he won’t have to worry about health insurance. Lucky guy, then again, putting in over 25 years at one job is a big deal. He is as smart as a whip and is in IT. He can consult and/or do whatever he sets his mind to.

Together, we each own a house. I’m only a couple years into my 15 year mortgage, he only owes 1/3 of his home’s current value. I rent part of my house to tenants and live in the other part, this covers my fixed costs (mortgage, insurance, taxes). We both live pretty frugal. We both know what it means to have a plan and goals.

We have discussed what each of us need to do to sell or rent our homes. I would likely keep mine as it is right now, rental, and it still provides a place to live. I have a few projects to complete inside my house. The yard needs some repairs (retaining walls) and cleaning up. He could go either way on his house with some repairs and yard clean-up.

The big question comes on where we want to live in 3 years. Our current area, Portland, Oregon, has an elevated market. Real estate is high, property tax is high, and it just doesn’t seem like the best place for retirement/starting new for us.

I have a dream of having a wine bar, he has a dream of opening a different kind of brewery. We both love meeting new people and listening to their stories. We both know how to work hard, we both know how to manage people. Should we look for a place to make these dreams come true? Should we look for a parcel of land or income property? So many different paths we can take.

Another big one; my guy will become my business partner. Whatever we decide on will probably lock us in….maybe longer than our relationship lasts. I have no reservations to whether our relationship will last or not. I am a realist though and I know what can happen. I don’t see any signs of “us” failing. I feel happy, loved, and most of all, I feel understood. I can imagine spending my days with him and the fun we can have along the way. These are all good things.

So our first steps:

  • Decide what kinds of properties we are looking for
  • Find a realtor that can search for us (since we live 6 hours from Spokane)
  • Get pre-approved for a loan

Do I feel fear? Yes! Do I feel excitement? Yes!

Mourning those still living

Have you ever had a relationship go wrong and it consumed you? A breakup you couldn’t let go of? A person mistreated you and it defines you? Your family member doesn’t treat you the way they did before and you are angry?

My momma told me when I was a little girl that life wasn’t fair. The sooner I could figure that out the happier I would be.

This week has brought me back to that statement again. Also, the delicate balance of family, relationships, forgiveness, conflicts, stubbornness, and a hundred different things. I think mourning is a very important, often overlooked step in life’s processes.

Story: brothers grow up with an age gap and vastly different personalities. As life goes on, brothers recognize (or don’t) their differences, but enjoy spending time together. They have common interests. Younger brother is involved in his nieces and nephew’s lives. It isn’t paradise, but family life is good. Younger brother gets married and doesn’t think it is cool to hang out with his family anymore. Divorce happens, family is back. Another marriage and a child. Nieces and nephew grow up, older brother divorces. Harsh words are said between brothers and wife. Time passes and older brother, nieces, and nephew still make an effort to contact younger brother, which he ignores. This situation starts consuming the whole family. Younger brother has a heart attack, the family shows up at the hospital. Younger brother’s wife is barely civil. Days at the hospital roll by as younger brother is sedated to heal. Older brother is consumed and conflicted.

Families are tricky. At least mine is and the one I speak of above in the simplest terms is also. I am living through a sister-in-law that doesn’t like our family. This barely bothers me anymore. Twenty-five years ago, my brother made choices and it wasn’t what my side of the family was hoping for. This consumed family conversations, my heart, and my thoughts for years. Truth is, we wanted life to be fair….it wasn’t. We still had my brother but in a different way. We still have him now in limited capacity. My sister-in-law didn’t go to my daughter’s wedding or her own daughter’s graduation party (from high school or college). We all have choices, and for years, I was letting someone else’s choices cause me mental and emotional energy drain. I finally put my foot down and said, “I’m done giving this woman power. I refuse to keep beating the same dead horse over and over. I’m done talking about it.” It went over like a lead balloon when I said this to my family. My sister-in-law and brother are not bad people, they make choices different than mine. They are who they are. My kids deal with it on their own. I see and talk to my brother when I can and I always send best wishes to his wife. I feel much freer and easy about it these days.

There have been countless situations where I got stubborn and refused to let things go. I was right, they were wrong, this isn’t fair, why did they do this! Why can’t they just admit how wrong they were/are and ask for forgiveness? This is so sinister….if I hold on to this hurt, anger, righteousness, they will pay! What!!!???? Do you think they care at all? Do you think they know how it is tearing me up? Maybe, but what is it doing to them? NOTHING! We are so self-centered.

Here is what I know to be true….I am sad things aren’t the way I would want them to be. Is it my fault or their fault? Maybe nobody’s fault? Once I can recognize this I need to mourn it. Cry, get angry, cut my hair, wear black! Mourn the picture of the way I wanted it to be. I may not fully accept the way it is right now, but mourning it is a good start. Once the old picture is dead to me, I can look at the situation with an open heart and fresh eyes. So what my sister-in-law doesn’t like any of us! So what she chooses not to attend amazing family events! Do I care anymore? No! I have compassion on my brother, and even her for that matter. I don’t know what his life looks like on the inside. It probably isn’t very fun. Then, my life goes on.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. -Margaret Stunt

News flash, drinking poison doesn’t kill them! Mourning the way we wanted things to be and forgiving all the “wrongdoing” (if it actually was wrong), takes away the poison. That poison was only destroying my life, not theirs. Beating the dead horse gets old…and stinky. We don’t forgive to let the other person off the hook, we do it so we can heal.

Back to the story of the brothers. When the older brother mourns the loss of the way he wanted his brother’s story to go, he will be open to the way it exists now. Let go of the dead horse. Forgive the younger brother’s choices, mourn him, because he may never come back into his life. Once he gives him up he can just say, “that’s who/how my younger brother is”. Mourn, forgive, accept. We don’t have to wait until someone dies to mourn them!

2019 bright and new

Happy New Year! I am already 16 days into 2019 and I am making changes and getting things done. I worked on my list of to-dos for the whole month of December. I set my intentions for the year and have been working to make some a habit already.

Reality check-in; I feel myself resisting some of the things I want to get rolling this year. First, I want to do a blog post once a week. I’m a week behind, brush off and start fresh. Second, it is my intention to make stretching and cardio a priority 3-4X per week, behind but brush it off! I am almost finished with my stairway project that has been on my list for months (OK, 6 months). VERY good, big thing that has been hanging over my head.

Here is a list of some of the other things I set intentions/goals for in 2019:

  • Save $500/month and track
  • Make $100/month on my blog
  • Get at least 7 hours of sleep each night
  • Track my spending
  • Digitize my old photos/kids’ papers (many steps to this)
  • 3 alcohol free days/week
  • Complete blog courses by February
  • Get all my DIY projects on my blog
  • Play with affiliate marketing
  • Review (and write about) more items I use in my home, on my body, and take into my body
  • Read at least 12 books this year (I am going to keep a list this year)
  • Reduce my clutter until I don’t have any left

I don’t like procrastination and I do like accountability. I’m thinking for 2019 I should track my progress here on the blog. I could write a ton more stuff on all things I want to do, but in reality, I just need to start. Here goes for my first 2019 check-in!

Week 1 and 2: Four dry days, started stairway project, slept 7 hours 6 nights, cleared out some leggings, turtlenecks, jewelry, organized bedding, painted 3rd bedroom, got my investment accounts set-up, paid for some blogging courses, got electrical work done, paid off credit card, reorganized bathroom supplies, cleaned out the fridge, and created a last will/testament. I went to work everyday!

Create your own reality

Christmas has passed so now it is time to rev things up for my big birthday and New Year’s Eve. I am reflecting on how families, besides my own, get through the holiday season. I spent most of this season with a family that is new to me. Some of the dynamics are the same, but many are different.

First, depression is real. I do not wish to minimize the effect depression has on people, relationships, and families. I have not suffered from long term depression so I have a hard time completely understanding it. Years ago I dated someone that had deep, dark depression. I could not handle the cloud it cast over life so I chose to end the relationship. I have dated manic depressants. This was a roller coaster ride for me because I loved it when they were manic, but the sad meanness of the depressed days was too much for me. A life full of eggshells is not a place I want to land.

I have had a lifetime learning how to navigate my family over the holidays. Some ways we do this is not healthy. Ignoring certain things and tip-toeing around other things is not easy. This year I entered into a new family with a different minefield. It really is like seeing a beautiful place, but as you enter this land there are conversations, questions, and topics that need to be avoided. I did step on a few bombs this year, but the injuries were minor (at least from my perspective). Even when a map has been clearly drawn out to show where the mines are, I inevitably find other ways to set them off. It may not be a direct step but may still cause pain. I wonder sometimes if the mines we try so hard to avoid are the very things we should be digging up? Should I ask the mom or dad who isn’t with their kids how they are feeling? I can feel empathy when we speak of things that are hurting the people I love and care about. Should we just ignore painful subjects all together, pretend like it doesn’t exist? We did this in my family for decades. In the end, it robbed us all of a desperate need to mourn what could have been. It robbed my family of healing, it robbed my aunt of a life filled with love rather than regret.

I don’t wish to cause another person pain. I don’t want to generalize on this subject. I own the fact that I bring my own history, perspective, and ideas to the table. I am not always as sensitive as people expect me to be (or maybe I should be). Sometimes I am not sensitive at all. Usually my compassion and empathy run out when I hear people blaming others/events for what is going on in their lives. It can sound like this:

  • Such and such ruined Christmas for me because years ago because this happened.
  • I have to avoid Christmas because I don’t have my kids.
  • I can’t be happy because so and so is upset.
  • So and so didn’t come for Christmas so it ruined the day for everyone.
  • I don’t want to see anyone because I don’t have money for gifts (money for everything else though).
  • My unspoken expectations didn’t come true so now I feel depressed and want everyone to hear about it and punish those that didn’t perform the way I wanted.

Please, don’t get me wrong, self-preservation is necessary. If a gathering makes you feel uncomfortable, it is within your rights to avoid it. Avoid the people you need to avoid. What I don’t understand is when someone blames their ruined reality on someone else. Some of the best advice I got was when I moved to a new town after my divorce; “You can create your own reality.” I could make my life whatever I wanted. Yes, my kids lived with their dad and I only saw them 5-8 days each month, but I had a choice to let it ruin my life or chase happiness and joy anyway. Did I want to be a victim of what life had thrown me? I had a choice, just like I had a choice to move for work or stay where I was and be unemployed. When someone says they don’t or didn’t have a choice, I usually disagree. Unexpected things happen, yes, but we do have a choice how to react to them.

Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn’t fix anything. Pretending or shutting it out, doesn’t fix anything. Medication and counseling can help a person with depression if they are ready (but, does anyone ever feel ready?). I sought counseling when I knew I needed help to heal from some family/relationship issues. I was ready and it was well worth the time, cost, and pain to get better. It was my road to a balanced life.

I have people in my life that choose a different route; they choose sadness, choose to be alone, or choose to make others suffer for their sadness. Punishing others for what we are feeling or choosing is never a good idea. I have been punished for choices others have made. It is not my job to make you feel better. If there is something I need to apologize for, tell me. I want people around me to be happy and I will do what I can in my power to make that happen, BUT if you continue to choose unhappiness, I will walk away. Self-preservation is king.

Processing and making peace with how we are feeling is extremely important. Let the feelings wash over you, name the feelings, accept them, own them, then let them go. The less time we spend focusing on them, the faster they will pass, and the less likely they will resurface. A very wise friend of mine told me that all feelings come from either of the two core feelings; LOVE or FEAR. Where does our sadness, unhappiness, or disappointment come from? Is it out of love or fear? Are we punishing people and pushing them away in hopes they will say the things we want to hear, promise to change, or somehow choices we have made will have a different outcome? A person can wish and hope, but only through the action to create their own life and reality will life look any different. Put the work in, make the change, and see how your life looks a year from now!

A great video on dealing with challenges over the holidays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE0AH7stT5c

 

Fear of failure, scared of success

I was married for 17 years and I failed. I failed to continue to live with a relationship that I felt empty in. I failed to keep my family together. I failed to be a good Christian wife and woman. I failed to sacrifice myself for others. I failed to stick it out. I failed to figure out what wasn’t working. I failed to understand why my husband wasn’t giving me what I needed in our marriage. I failed to keep our businesses successful. I failed to pray enough, to trust God enough, to be enough. I failed to do it all. I FAILED!

As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!

 

The almighty SPARK!

When was the last time you felt the spark for someone? Did you start dating the person who you felt the spark for? Was it mutual? Did the relationship work out? Do you chase after the next spark? How quickly does the spark fade? How often does the spark grow into a bonfire? Is this “spark” something you can explain?

I had dinner with Mel last night. He told me he didn’t feel a spark for me, that was what the problem was. This is what I thought it was all along, so this is nothing new. What did come to light is how he compared me, and everyone else to Darla when we met. He probably continued to do it until a couple of months ago. I will have to ask him. Now he compares every woman he meets to me. This is a recipe for disaster. I’m not sure if he sees it, but I do. Will either of us find someone else if we keep comparing? Will either of us feel “the spark” for someone new with the comparisons? I think this is what happened between Mel and I. He was looking for someone better than Darla, but I am not better than Darla, I am different than Darla. Like Mel said last night, he and I look perfect on paper….politics, religion, retirement, business, fun, acceptance, finances….but he doesn’t feel “the spark”. He feels sexual desire for me but not the spark. He doesn’t want to have sex with me because he knows it will change everything. What he may not be considering is that everything will change when I go back to dating. I will have to give him up because the comparisons will have to stop. As long as he is filling part of what I need (from my future love), I will not find a man to fill the empty places I need him to fill. There are only a few options that I can see:

* We part ways
* We have sex and everything is fantastic
* We have sex and part ways
* We part ways and Mel feels the spark for me

I can only remember one time in the last 25 years that I have felt a real spark. It was with truck driver Matt a few years ago. The chemistry and magnetism were so strong, my skin felt electrified, I could hardly breathe, let alone put two words together. The first time and every time he touched me, it was amazing. I could have died a happy woman in his arms. That lasted 3 months and it burned out. I cried everyday for 3 months after we broke up. This is life.

People grow on me. Do I think my feelings for Mel are real? Yes, because I know him, I trust him, I feel safe with him. I have fun with him. I think for the most part, he wants to make me happy and he does make me happy. Life is complicated and if I can’t make him happy then I need to be on my way….spark or no spark.

“The closer we get to what we truly desire, the more obstacles we place in its way.”

Is there a ghost here?

A funny thing happened in September! Hot, hot days and some warm nights! I wanted to go to a wine festival and none of my friends wanted to go. So I ran this ad on Craigslist:

I’m just a regular, playful, fun loving mature woman. I have my life together, hwp, kids grown, and DDF. I enjoy wine, food, live music, hiking, outdoor activities, and I’m willing to give almost anything a try once. I have a lot of energy and prefer you would too. I’m not one to sit around watching TV and tend to get along best with those that are active. You don’t have to be a runner or gym rat, just be fit with plenty of energy.

Here is the thing; I am looking for a long term relationship and would like that to be your goal too. I figured The Bite on Saturday would be a good place to get to know someone without the usual pressure of sitting across the table for coffee.

This is important; I am looking for someone 38-60, non-smoker, that lives within the Portland Metro area. I am not into 420 and don’t like the smell of the smoke. ALSO, please respond with your basic information AND a picture. Subject should be your favorite wine variety.

I did get a lot of responses. Most didn’t follow the directions given. A couple answers stood out from the others. One was from a man named Jim, he lived to the west. Another was a younger man named Josh. He was from SE. The other one was Shawn (for this story, yep, he’s Shawn). This story will be about Shawn even though the other two have their own short stories. Shawn contacts me and he was the one I would have liked to have met at the event. We emailed back and forth a couple times and I ask him what time he is available for the following day. I don’t get any response. I end up meeting young Josh at the event. He was an OK companion, it doesn’t work out.

A couple days later I get an email from Shawn about missing the event. No biggie, sorry you weren’t able to go with me. That was probably the basic reply. He emails me some more and we have a dialog. We ask questions back and forth and I confirm he does, in fact, want a long term relationship. Again, yes, this is Craigslist.

We email for about a week and in this time I find out he works out of town Monday-Thursday (or Friday sometimes). Sometimes he even stays over the weekend if it is a fun place, like say Hawaii! Yep, his territory included Hawaii! So this goes back and forth and I am about to let it go. I tend to get bored if there is endless emails, texting, or messaging. He asks for my phone number and I give it to him. He says he is trying to cut his trip to Seattle short to get home before heading to Hawaii. He does this specifically to have dinner with me. Wow, man flies in from Seattle to have dinner with me! Yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about! He picks a place close to his house in SW. I get there early, like 30 minutes early (GPS said it would take longer than it did). I text him and he heads right down.

He walks in and I am pleasantly surprised. He is handsome, well-spoken, smart, nice, clean cut, and bald. It is my lucky evening! We order food and drinks and start sharing. He comes from a very large family, has 3 kids, loves to cook, and is renovating a small house close to the restaurant. He talks a little about his work and travel. I feel comfortable with him and happy he got back into town for this meal!

Shawn and I walk back to my car with our arms wrapped around each other. It was in a friendly “we are just strolling along” way not the “get a room” way. We get to my car, I open it, and throw my bag in. I turn around and hug him and get a firm hug in return. I’m a sucker for a good hug. I kiss him on the cheek and I get in my car.

By the time I get home I have a message from him asking if I can go to his house for dinner on Saturday night. He wants to cook for me. I did not sense any creepiness in him so I respond that I would love that! The next day he lets me know he got a little excited about me and forgot he was supposed to have dinner with his daughter on Saturday. He is bummed but asks if he could cook for me the following Saturday. I agree to see him then.

Shawn gets back from Hawaii the following Friday. He asks if I have any food restrictions, of which I don’t. I don’t really like raw onions or mushrooms but beyond that, not really. He gives me his address and lets me know 6 pm would work and I don’t need to bring anything.

I show up at his house at 6 and I am aware that there are some signs of artistic creativity in the yard. There are several sets of mannequin hands in the front planter. There is also some juvenile art on the fence. In all, a tidy place that is getting a new sidewalk (that has been his project for the day). I knock on the door and I can hear loud music drifting out the windows. I knock harder and hear him coming to the door. He opens the door, welcomes me in, and I give him a quick hug and thank him for inviting me. He is cooking away in the kitchen. It is a small place with art everywhere, mostly nude women. All that I can see are large canvases that fill every bit of wall space. He gives me a quick tour, pours me a glass of wine, and continues his cooking. It looks like we are having a shrimp appetizer, grilled steak, and brussel sprouts. And a salad! He cooks the marinated shrimp and they are amazing. The music is still playing loud and he asks me a few questions about my week while he continues to prepare our dinner. His kitchen is small with stuff piled up around the back and edges of the counters. It is clean and well appointed. I stand at the edge of the kitchen with my wine talking with Shawn. I can tell he loves cooking. He is going to cook the brussel sprouts with pears, looks like he is roasting them. The steak is getting ready to go on the grill. I ask if I can help and he declines the offer. I am having a good time watching him as I sip my wine. He comes in from putting the steak on the grill and hugs me and kisses me. It is a first kiss, nice and warm.

We sit down on the sofa and eat dinner on his coffee table. The night is warm, music is still playing (very eclectic selection), and the food amazing. We talk about our lives, where we come from, our families, kids, travel, and our houses. I am preparing for a remodel and he is doing his own work on his house. Our conversation has a nice flow. He opens another bottle of wine and I settle in for another hour or two. He snuggles me in closer on the sofa. I am enjoying the sensations. I am relaxed, comfortable, and well fed.

He gets up to go to the bathroom and I realize I need to go too. He comes back and I make my way into the bathroom. I realize on the visit that the brussel sprouts made me a little gassy and I am happy the music is loud and the large window is open. I start thinking brussel sprouts were not a good choice for a first real date. Mental note made and I go back in the living room.

We cuddle on the sofa with more kissing and roaming hands. It is all very nice. He asks me to stay over but then the memory of brussel sprouts makes me decline….I can feel gas building up again. He looks hurt and I tell him it isn’t about him, but I don’t have my overnight bag. He looks relieved and I grab my purse and head out to the fresh air to make my way home. That was a close one…..remember brussel sprouts and intimate moments don’t mix.

Shawn makes me dinner for several Saturday nights. We talk very little during the week, rarely a text, rarely a plan for the following weekend. I start to feel this is really odd for our Saturday dinners. I did start spending nights over at his place. One Friday he messages me to see what I would like for dinner on Saturday night. His assumption I am available makes me feel annoyed. I let him know I have been craving scallops. He tells me he will specially prepare them for me to make me happy. Great! He tells me to come over at 6 pm, like usual. The weather has turned cold and rainy and I am glad I am going to his space since mine is cold and under construction. I dress in my fuzzy workout pants and top. I head over at the regular time and before I get there I get a message from Shawn saying he is running late, let’s make it 6:30. I pull over and let him know I am 5 minutes from his house. I don’t hear back so pull in and park at the Safeway near his house. It is underground parking and will be a warmer option than sitting in his driveway. At 6:30 he says he is out of the shower and come by. Oh, and he didn’t have time to shop and prep so we are going out for dinner. Damn it! The night I wear relaxed clothes. Part of me is completely annoyed. I wanted a warm evening in front of his fire, relaxed and cozy, not traipsing through the rain and dark. And I wanted those scallops!

We go out and all the best places for dinner are jammed. I know I will feel better once I have a glass of wine and some food. The evening ended up being good and he was attentive. I think he could sense my frustration and probably my hunger. We only had one evening after that.

We had a nice Saturday evening with fish tacos the following week, I didn’t know it would be our last. I got a text the following Thursday evening that included a news story about a woman (prostitute) that shot the guy she was with twice in the head. The reason; he wasn’t doing oral sex on her the way she wanted. Shawn says something along the lines that he hopes I would never feel this way about him. I assure him he doesn’t need to worry about me shooting him. He thanks me and I never hear from him again! That was about 4 months ago. I wonder if he did die? It isn’t my thing to just check in when he kind of made is clear he didn’t like to be bothered during the week. I had started seeing someone else so I let it go. I determined I wanted a full week relationship, not just a Saturday night relationship. I have determined also, Shawn may actually be a ghost!

 

 

Goodbye my nerdy neighbor

OK, he isn’t a close neighbor, but he lives about 5 minutes away. Where I grew up, that is a neighbor. I met my neighbor online in October. The weather was still warm during the day but cooling at night. Our first meeting was at a little wine bar near my house. We sat near the big rolling door that was open to let in the warm afternoon breeze. We had our first glass of wine and the talking didn’t stop for 3 hours. During our second glass, the sun was setting and it was cooling down. We moved over to the sofa and continued sharing. We agreed on some of the basic foundational beliefs; religion, politics, and what we were hoping to find with our dating life. We were both looking for that person to fill in the empty spots that friends can’t.

Attraction and chemistry; it was hard for me to determine. He was entertaining and fun to talk to. He had a great sense of humor. It is weird to talk about him in the past tense since he is still alive and I suppose I can give him a name….let’s call him Mel (short and sweet)! We talked about so much, we did hit it off. We were told the bar was closing so we said goodbye and hugged. I wasn’t sure I would see him again. First meetings are always this precarious balance of; “Wow, I had a great time but did he?” or “I liked him but not sure if he is going to contact me again.” Mel did stay in contact.

We had our first date the next week at another wine bar. He knew I liked wine and made an effort to make me comfortable. We continued to have good rapport and explored deeper subjects like online dating, porn, and sexual compatibility. I felt completely at ease talking to Mel….it was refreshing. He wasn’t the typical type I have dated. I am not opposed to the nerdy type but generally I don’t usually attract that type. Mel was handsome in his own way. If I saw him across the bar I wouldn’t wonder who the hunk was. But his smile was disarming and his direct, no nonsense way was attractive. He was smart, had a good job, and was quirky. And he loved Volkswagens….the old ones.

He asked if I was hungry (which I almost always am) and I said yes. We walked down to the BBQ place and sat at the bar and shared a meat platter and sides. I determined I liked him. We were both dating heavily, working our way through a lot of people. He had an active social life, which again, I think is a good thing. He made a comment about women stepping up during dating and I wasn’t sure what he meant. I blew it off. We finished there and he walked me to my car. We hugged and had our first kiss. It was nice and comfortable. Passionate? not really but a really nice start.

Mel continued to message me each day and we set up another date. We decided to meet at my local sports bar. We ate nachos and shared stories of dating and what we were still looking for….talked about our kids and struggles. I told him I appreciated his generosity and consistency. Consistency is very hard to find in the dating world….at least longer than the first week. He walked me home and I showed him my house that was getting remodeled. He kissed me good night and it was even better than the last.

The big date came when Mel asked me to his house for dinner. In the dating world this is the biggie because going into a man’s space can lead to intimacy in many different ways. Most men are looking for a woman to accept his space, his personal space that is all him. Also, a dinner and some wine can lead to touching and even sex on occasion. This was our 4th date and I wasn’t sure which way this would go. We were certainly open about sex and attraction but it was not something he talked about wanting with me. He fed me salmon and asparagus that he had already prepared. After dinner he showed me around. As he walked me through his house he showed me this huge pile of boxes. He said it was powdered milk and cereal. He said it wasn’t his stuff but his business partner, Darla’s. I will call her Darla because I want to. So I asked some questions about Darla and what the nature of the partnership was. Mel said they worked on business ideas together and bounced things off each other. Darla had the cereal left after the close out of a business. Mel showed me around his house and all the improvements he had made and wanted to make. I liked his home, it was tidy and clean. He showed me the car he was working on in the garage. We finished off one bottle of wine and Mel opened a second. He hadn’t put any moves on me and we sat back down at the kitchen counter. I was a little perplexed as he poured me another glass of wine and sat on the barstool next to me. We talked for hours then it was time for me to leave. I took my glass into the kitchen and he followed. He hugged me and kissed me. He pressed up against me and I could tell it was causing some reaction. He ran his hands up the sides of my breasts and I took a deep breath. He leaned back and looked at me then said he would walk me to the door. Hmmm, he is a real gentleman. I am a little confused but hey, I’m all for waiting for more physical contact.

One evening later that week, Mel called me out of the blue and asked if I would like to meet him at my bar. I said sure. I walked down and he had ordered the nachos again. Am I so easily readable? He said he had a date that was short and sweet. He was headed back this way and wanted to see me. I was happy he did, I was enjoying my time with him. He told me he had been to the airport to pick up his ex girlfriend. Then he told me he was offended she expected him to put her luggage in the trunk of the car. And she expected him to carry it up the stairs to her place. This concerned me because I had never heard a man voice such a thing as being offensive. I knew Mel liked strong, independent women but I thought this was extreme. I shared that I would expect the same from a man. I would also be grateful and appreciate the lifter of the suitcase. He replies that us women want it both ways. We want to be strong and do things our own ways but then we want men to take care of us. Now I am really confused. I don’t feel defensive but not sure if he really feels this way or is playing the devil’s advocate. We question each other a little more and he seems clear that he is not a supporter of women being admired and loved just by “being” but they need to step up and perform like a man. There is no value in just “being” but everyone has to “do”. This goes against what I believe concerning man and woman relationships. I was expected to “do” or perform while I was married and I ended up doing way too much. I was tired and not comfortable wearing the masculine pants in the relationship (even though I didn’t have the control just the responsibility). This coming from Mel was shocking. I didn’t know what to think but he continued to make me believe that I would find myself in the same situation with him. He would take the backseat and I would do the work. Yikes! We parted that night and I felt conflicted. He seemed very adamant about this and this was a situation I didn’t want to get caught up in.

What is a girl to do? I enjoy his company but pretty sure this can’t be the relationship I am looking for. I buy a Groupon for smoked turkey legs and ask Mel out. He agrees and I tell him I will drive. He seems confused by this and I say I am stepping up. I go by his house and pick him up. We head out to another city with GPS to guide us. GPS doesn’t help and in the process of trying to find it, we find out the turkey leg place is closed. Oh well, I am flexible, let’s find another place. We find a nice place and we go in. Mel is a bit perplexed by my forwardness in insisting on driving. He is hurt that I didn’t want to ride in his bug. I tell him it has nothing to do with that but completely with stepping up and putting on my big boy panties. I tell him I took to heart his suitcase story and decided to be the guy. I was taking control and stepping up. Now he is totally uncomfortable and tells me that he doesn’t like the way it feels. I let him know that I took to heart what he said and I don’t think we are probably going to work out as romantic partners. I want to be valued just for being not in the doing. He says he is not sure he understands and isn’t sure he stands behind what he said during the suitcase story. We had a lovely dinner and against my best efforts, he still pays for dinner.

Two days later Mel asks me out to the turkey leg place. He says he found it and he would drive this time. It made me giggle since he was being the man. He knows where we are going and he is going to take us there. I agree and I’m looking forward to it. The evening comes and I get a text that he is running a few minutes late. No problem. Then 5 minutes later I get a call that his car broke down. I start to laugh and ask what does this mean? Do I need to come and pick him up? Is he going to be waiting for a tow truck? He says he will roll the car over to a parking place and jump on the train. If I can pick him up at the train station, we can go to dinner. I think this is hilarious. Poor guy is doing his best to prove he is the man and his car breaks down. I pick him up and off we go. Turkey leg place is a converted warehouse but cool. Mel was very attentive and we compete to get the napkins, go to the bar for more beers, and throwing the trash away. I am amused by this change, or was it a change? Is he just more aware or am I more aware? Either way, we have a good time. We chat on the way back to his house and he invites me in. He shows some of the things he is getting rid of and what he is changing. He keeps mentioning Darla. He says she doesn’t like this or she likes that. I finally ask if he is sleeping with her. He says he is. This explains a lot! I tell him how I was confused how he invited me over for dinner and didn’t make the moves on me….didn’t even take me to the sofa after dinner. I ask him why he is dating if they are business partners and sleeping together. He tells me she has some narrow and black and white views of life. He wants someone more open-minded. He said they met through a dating site and he values her more as business partner than a romantic partner. I can understand how this goes since I have Richard in my life. I have little emotional attachment to him beyond friendship.

I continue to see Mel at least once a week. We have a great time together and we are completely open with each other. I have met another man that I am very excited about and I begin to date him. Mel is still dating up a storm and not finding anyone that fits. I ask him if he is keeping Darla as his back-up plan. He thinks for a moment and says that maybe the others are the Darla back-up plan. He tells me in some ways all things point to Darla. Maybe Darla is the “one”. If this is the case, why is he still dating? Why not just throw in the towel with Darla and make it official, have a full blown relationship with her? He tells me she doesn’t like to do his stuff with him and doesn’t have much gray area in her life. Once she makes up her mind how something should be, it goes into a box and that is just the way it is. I take that at face value and don’t think much of it.

The guy I was dating breaks things off….that is another story. I am sad and I miss him but life moves forward. It is a week before Christmas so I don’t have a lot of time to wallow. I squeeze in a few dates then I go out with Mel and tell him the other guy died (just kidding). He tells me he thinks I am awesome and beautiful. I am very touched by his way of easing my pain. Christmas comes and goes and my birthday arrives. I invite Mel and a few other friends to go out for my birthday. I have an amazing birthday and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I continue dating and feeling lonely. Mel and I are hanging out together more, he helps me get one of my computers back in operation and sees some revealing pictures (we joke about it). One night we go to dinner and we go back to my house and we kiss. It isn’t the little kisses we have shared before but these are the type that lead to something more. He picks me up from my eye dilation and feeds me the next day. The day after that I go over to his house. He shows me some of the things he is working on and keeps talking about Darla doing this or that. I ask about how woven together their lives are and he disagrees. He says there is still not a real relationship there. I accept that and we snuggle on his sofa. I start to feel something for him but determine it is just because we are spending so much time with each other.

A few days later Mel comes to my house to help me with my computer again. I just got out of the shower and put on my relaxation clothes. He works on my computer and sits behind me on the chair. He touches me and wakes me. I know he is monogamous with Darla and I don’t want to start something that isn’t going to lead to a long term relationship. We both play it off but it felt very good. I am sexually vulnerable at this time but I don’t want to be stupid.

Mel calls me on a Friday night and asks if I (the cutie) wants to go out. I’m at the gym and tell him I can be ready in 30 minutes. I get home, message him I will leave the front door unlocked because I might be more than 30 minutes. 3 minutes later he walks in. He has been drinking and is very touchy. He goes upstairs with me and helps me pick out my clothes. I am ready for my shower and he asks if he can sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I bathe. If he wants to see me naked, I have no problem. He is a gentleman and we chat while I am in the shower. Undressing and dressing in front of someone is a very intimate thing for me. I get ready and we go out. He picks this fabulous place with the best steak I have had in a long time. We are having a great time. We go next door and have another drink. I am very comfortable with him and wonder why I don’t have or can’t have this with someone that is more available. We go back to my place and we kiss and touch and things do escalate. There is not sex but it is hot! Shoot, wow, geez!

The next week we go out for dinner. Mel tells me that he won’t be giving up Darla for many months. I jokingly say I will try my best not to sleep with him. Haha! The next day I realize that I need to back off. I am chasing him and he just told me she is going to be staying in his life sexually and professionally. I feel the sting and let it go. I don’t make any move to see Mel. I make an appointment to see Mel’s dad and Mel comes with him. We talk about my remodel and they leave. Mel returns after he drops off his dad. He tells me he broke it off with Darla. Their relationship will be just business now. He and I talk about what we both want out of a relationship. I didn’t ask if he wanted that with me but here he is sitting at my table telling me Darla is out. I tell him I don’t want a 50% relationship and if we all just put up with a 50% or a 25% we will never have room for a 100%. I want 100% and I am willing to do someone else’s stuff and have a good time. I have my own stuff that I would like someone to enjoy doing.

Mel contacts me Saturday while I am on a dud date. After my date he asks if I want to come over. I head to his house for some wine. I walk in and see some new artwork on his wall and say I like it. He said Darla gave it to him. How nice of her! He shows me a new cabinet he bought. I like it, it suits him and his house. He gets me a glass of wine and he shows me his spare room. Darla has made all the bedding. Wow. We chat about Mel’s lunch with the woman that he used to live with, Abby, and her husband. He is concerned her relationship is ending with her husband. He has a heart and it is nice to see he is concerned. I ask him when he got the cabinet and he tells me he drove out of town today to get it and Darla went with him. Hold on! What? Was this business? Nope, just didn’t want to drive alone. Darla lined up some garage sales to go to also but she was kinda crabby. What the heck! No wonder she was crabby, you don’t break up with a woman then ask her to spend the day with you. Really? I can feel myself slipping into annoyance. He says, yeah that is probably what I did wrong the other times we broke up, we spent too much time together then I end up sleeping with her again. I ask him why he didn’t ask me. He said he didn’t know if I would like to go. Not asking is a sure way of never knowing. Then he tells me she had the garage sale stuff all lined up. We watch a movie and I get ready to leave. He says he may want to go to breakfast in the morning and I tell him I am available. We have a single soft kiss goodbye.

The next morning, no call for breakfast. I decide to go to the coast with Richard, who calls me on a whim and I say yes. Mel doesn’t contact me all day. I am hurt. I realize I have feeling for him otherwise I wouldn’t care. I do care. I care that Darla is in Mel’s life and it is going to be like that for a very long time. He might be willing to settle for a 50-75% relationship but I am not. My heart hurts because I understand he will keep choosing her, they have history, and she “does” for him. I don’t want to win any man by doing. After a restless night and morning I compose this message:

Good morning Mel. I considered doing this
face to face but I know avoiding emotional
awkwardness (tears) is important. I started
to develop feelings for you a few weeks ago.
I am looking for my person to fill my empty
spots and you are not available. I see now
you already have someone in your life
and home. She is everywhere and I can’t
see you anymore. I feel sad and I need to
stop before I continue to make a fool of
myself.

His response:

I understand

This is the end to a wonderful friendship that could have been a great romantic relationship. I know I did the right thing. It was not good for me to be twisted in Mel and Darla’s game. My heart wishes Mel would choose me but my mind knows he will stay with what he knows, even if it is less than 100%. He will probably go back to dating to see if he can find a perfect replacement for Darla or his next back-up plan. Each time Darla rejects him he will know there might be a woman out there that will accept him. He may have even already met her and rejected her.

Proudly powered by WordPress | Theme: Baskerville 2 by Anders Noren.

Up ↑