When I say “I love you”

Brene Brown, the author of “Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead”, talks about living wholeheartedly in this book. This idea and attitude has changed my life. There is so much in this book and I 100% recommend it. Read it, let it wash over you, take it to heart, and start living life open and vulnerable.

The year I watched Brene’s famous TEDxHouston talk, my daughter was a senior in high school. Part of her thing in high school had been student leadership and volunteering. During one such event that raised money for equipment in caring for preemies, she was part of a variety show called Lion Pride Pageant. Previous years it was Lion King Pageant but this was the year they started to let girls participate. I had never been to one of these pageants so I had no idea what to expect. My daughter asked me to show up in formal wear and wanted to know if I was OK with her dad and me being on stage at the same time with her. Of course I was OK. We made and raised this wonderful young woman, I had no reason to avoid it. Part of the pageant was the kids reading a letter to their parents. The letter was written ahead of time and prerecorded by the writer. I walked out on stage with my daughter in front of hundreds of people. I heard her start to read this letter.

I did not expect to hear these words from my daughter. I felt like I had let my kids down and this one of my three was the hardest for me to read. She was the youngest and had the least number of years with her dad and me together. But here I was, standing there, holding my daughter and knowing she thought I was brave. This is what she wrote about me:

“Mom, I have learned so many things from you over the years. Things like generosity, compassion, and forgiveness, along with so many others, but one that you have shown me time and time again is how to be brave. I’ve learned to be brave when it comes to my career, beliefs, and any other life choices. You’ve never been one to stand down from a fight in order to protect what you believe in or to protect Colt, Camille, or I. I know our lives have been a roller coaster of sad and happy times but we continue to come out on top because you can make the best out of the worst. You’ve seen me through the hardest parts of my life so far and I just know whatever I go through you’ll be there making things better. I see you go through things that I could never imagine experiencing but somehow you’re always smiling when I see you. I just hope you know that no matter what others say or think about you, I am extremely proud to have you as my mother and friend. I love you so much Mom.”

She wrote these words in May of 2017. We both stood on stage crying and holding each other, her dad on her other side, looking at us. In writing these words today, I need to remember who I am. I’m brave and willing to fight for what I want, what is right, and to protect my loved ones. These pandemic days have weakened my fight and reduced my bravery to silent dread. This isn’t who I am. I am strong, brave, and make the most of even hard times. So what if I get laid-off. I have been wanting to leave my job anyway. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would force me to get out of my comfortable little nest and look for the next amazing turn of my life.

My kids have always been the brightest places in my life. Now I have my guy also, a beaming light that I love. My heart is an open place with few road blocks. Daring greatly has become a natural part of my life. It is scary, it is true honesty with myself and others. The deep truth is; when I say “I love you”, I mean it. No fluff, no frills, plain simple truth.

August 27, 2020

Navigating grown children while dating

I’ve been divorced for almost 9 years, April 15, 2019 is the anniversary of when the paper was signed. I started dating slowly when I went “back on the market”. Online dating in 2010 was much different than it is now. I had a few significant relationships along the way, some lasting as little as 3 months. I learned much while dating. I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and what I wanted. Most of the time it was fun, sometimes exhausting.

My kids (3 of them) are grown now, they are all on their own. My youngest will be 21 in a couple months. She is in college and the only dependent I have left. Both of my daughters live relatively close by….it is nice to see them for dinner or on a whim. We all have busy lives and try to make time when we can. My son lives in Las Vegas and he gets a phone call when we feel like chatting.

Dating when the kids were younger was much different than it is now. The question of whether the guy was going to meet my kids is a thing of the past. In the early days, I would wait until I thought I had a significant relationship with the guy, then he could meet my kids. My kids met 3 men in the first 5 years. I think my kids disliked them all. My kids thought one stole me away from their dad, a couple were really old, one was crazy and moody. To be fair, a couple were 10-14 years older than me, one did turn out to be angry and moody, but the accusation that one stole me from their dad, absurd.

My kids knew I was dating and as they got older and I became more relaxed with dating, the lines were blurred. If a man offered to cook me a meal and my kids showed up, they met him. One short-term boyfriend was in the same area where I was celebrating Christmas with my family. I invited him over and he spent the afternoon with my whole family. AND it wasn’t awkward. That same man popped in and out of family stuff for a month before the relationship ended. It might have been the first man my kids really liked.

There have been brief meetings of men and my kids throughout the years. One I thought was going to be a brief relationship has turned into a 4.5 year friendship. He has rented my basement for the last 2.5 years. We don’t spend very much time together these days, but he is always welcome to holidays I host. My kids didn’t like him at first but they see he has a good heart and they have gotten used to him.

The guy in my life now was my friend for a year before we decided to have a relationship. He has 3 grown kids and a handful of grandsons. I met his son and parents before dating started. He met and spent time with my daughters also, even met my parents too. Now that we have an established relationship, I have met his daughters also.

The life of now navigating through this time with all of our grown kids is so much different than it was 9 years ago. My guy’s daughter told me I could take over the job as grandma. She asked me what I would like her sons to call me. I told her grandma was fine though my grandson calls me Nana. She chose Nana.

My daughter told us we couldn’t move. Who would be around to watch her kids when she and her husband decided to have some? News flash girlie, your momma works and couldn’t watch your kids like your Oma was able to watch you. This has been a struggle for me to consider as my kids have grown.

Both of our youngest daughters are not really involved. A lunch or breakfast here and there, that is about it. His son and girlfriend we see the most. They spend a lot of time at the house which I enjoy. In all, the kids are good people. They haven’t met each other yet and someday we might try to make that happen.

My family has accepted my guy. I feel happy and it makes things much easier. They expect him to be joining me when they want to see me. I think his family feels the same about me. It has become this comfortable and warm place. I feel grateful. My kids can be themselves and so can I.

How will things go in the future? I’m only guessing good things will happen. Kids will be kids, even when they are grown. My hope is when the kids meet, they will enjoy each other’s company. What more could a mom hope for? They don’t need to be friends or buddies. Boy, am I thankful they won’t have to share a house!

February 7, 2019

Mourning those still living

Have you ever had a relationship go wrong and it consumed you? A breakup you couldn’t let go of? A person mistreated you and it defines you? Your family member doesn’t treat you the way they did before and you are angry?

My momma told me when I was a little girl that life wasn’t fair. The sooner I could figure that out the happier I would be.

This week has brought me back to that statement again. Also, the delicate balance of family, relationships, forgiveness, conflicts, stubbornness, and a hundred different things. I think mourning is a very important, often overlooked step in life’s processes.

Story: brothers grow up with an age gap and vastly different personalities. As life goes on, brothers recognize (or don’t) their differences, but enjoy spending time together. They have common interests. Younger brother is involved in his nieces and nephew’s lives. It isn’t paradise, but family life is good. Younger brother gets married and doesn’t think it is cool to hang out with his family anymore. Divorce happens, family is back. Another marriage and a child. Nieces and nephew grow up, older brother divorces. Harsh words are said between brothers and wife. Time passes and older brother, nieces, and nephew still make an effort to contact younger brother, which he ignores. This situation starts consuming the whole family. Younger brother has a heart attack, the family shows up at the hospital. Younger brother’s wife is barely civil. Days at the hospital roll by as younger brother is sedated to heal. Older brother is consumed and conflicted.

Families are tricky. At least mine is and the one I speak of above in the simplest terms is also. I am living through a sister-in-law that doesn’t like our family. This barely bothers me anymore. Twenty-five years ago, my brother made choices and it wasn’t what my side of the family was hoping for. This consumed family conversations, my heart, and my thoughts for years. Truth is, we wanted life to be fair….it wasn’t. We still had my brother but in a different way. We still have him now in limited capacity. My sister-in-law didn’t go to my daughter’s wedding or her own daughter’s graduation party (from high school or college). We all have choices, and for years, I was letting someone else’s choices cause me mental and emotional energy drain. I finally put my foot down and said, “I’m done giving this woman power. I refuse to keep beating the same dead horse over and over. I’m done talking about it.” It went over like a lead balloon when I said this to my family. My sister-in-law and brother are not bad people, they make choices different than mine. They are who they are. My kids deal with it on their own. I see and talk to my brother when I can and I always send best wishes to his wife. I feel much freer and easy about it these days.

There have been countless situations where I got stubborn and refused to let things go. I was right, they were wrong, this isn’t fair, why did they do this! Why can’t they just admit how wrong they were/are and ask for forgiveness? This is so sinister….if I hold on to this hurt, anger, righteousness, they will pay! What!!!???? Do you think they care at all? Do you think they know how it is tearing me up? Maybe, but what is it doing to them? NOTHING! We are so self-centered.

Here is what I know to be true….I am sad things aren’t the way I would want them to be. Is it my fault or their fault? Maybe nobody’s fault? Once I can recognize this I need to mourn it. Cry, get angry, cut my hair, wear black! Mourn the picture of the way I wanted it to be. I may not fully accept the way it is right now, but mourning it is a good start. Once the old picture is dead to me, I can look at the situation with an open heart and fresh eyes. So what my sister-in-law doesn’t like any of us! So what she chooses not to attend amazing family events! Do I care anymore? No! I have compassion on my brother, and even her for that matter. I don’t know what his life looks like on the inside. It probably isn’t very fun. Then, my life goes on.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. -Margaret Stunt

News flash, drinking poison doesn’t kill them! Mourning the way we wanted things to be and forgiving all the “wrongdoing” (if it actually was wrong), takes away the poison. That poison was only destroying my life, not theirs. Beating the dead horse gets old…and stinky. We don’t forgive to let the other person off the hook, we do it so we can heal.

Back to the story of the brothers. When the older brother mourns the loss of the way he wanted his brother’s story to go, he will be open to the way it exists now. Let go of the dead horse. Forgive the younger brother’s choices, mourn him, because he may never come back into his life. Once he gives him up he can just say, “that’s who/how my younger brother is”. Mourn, forgive, accept. We don’t have to wait until someone dies to mourn them!

January 31, 2019

Create your own reality

Christmas has passed so now it is time to rev things up for my big birthday and New Year’s Eve. I am reflecting on how families, besides my own, get through the holiday season. I spent most of this season with a family that is new to me. Some of the dynamics are the same, but many are different.

First, depression is real. I do not wish to minimize the effect depression has on people, relationships, and families. I have not suffered from long term depression so I have a hard time completely understanding it. Years ago I dated someone that had deep, dark depression. I could not handle the cloud it cast over life so I chose to end the relationship. I have dated manic depressants. This was a roller coaster ride for me because I loved it when they were manic, but the sad meanness of the depressed days was too much for me. A life full of eggshells is not a place I want to land.

I have had a lifetime learning how to navigate my family over the holidays. Some ways we do this is not healthy. Ignoring certain things and tip-toeing around other things is not easy. This year I entered into a new family with a different minefield. It really is like seeing a beautiful place, but as you enter this land there are conversations, questions, and topics that need to be avoided. I did step on a few bombs this year, but the injuries were minor (at least from my perspective). Even when a map has been clearly drawn out to show where the mines are, I inevitably find other ways to set them off. It may not be a direct step but may still cause pain. I wonder sometimes if the mines we try so hard to avoid are the very things we should be digging up? Should I ask the mom or dad who isn’t with their kids how they are feeling? I can feel empathy when we speak of things that are hurting the people I love and care about. Should we just ignore painful subjects all together, pretend like it doesn’t exist? We did this in my family for decades. In the end, it robbed us all of a desperate need to mourn what could have been. It robbed my family of healing, it robbed my aunt of a life filled with love rather than regret.

I don’t wish to cause another person pain. I don’t want to generalize on this subject. I own the fact that I bring my own history, perspective, and ideas to the table. I am not always as sensitive as people expect me to be (or maybe I should be). Sometimes I am not sensitive at all. Usually my compassion and empathy run out when I hear people blaming others/events for what is going on in their lives. It can sound like this:

Such and such ruined Christmas for me because years ago because this happened.
I have to avoid Christmas because I don’t have my kids.
I can’t be happy because so and so is upset.
So and so didn’t come for Christmas so it ruined the day for everyone.
I don’t want to see anyone because I don’t have money for gifts (money for everything else though).
My unspoken expectations didn’t come true so now I feel depressed and want everyone to hear about it and punish those that didn’t perform the way I wanted.

Please, don’t get me wrong, self-preservation is necessary. If a gathering makes you feel uncomfortable, it is within your rights to avoid it. Avoid the people you need to avoid. What I don’t understand is when someone blames their ruined reality on someone else. Some of the best advice I got was when I moved to a new town after my divorce; “You can create your own reality.” I could make my life whatever I wanted. Yes, my kids lived with their dad and I only saw them 5-8 days each month, but I had a choice to let it ruin my life or chase happiness and joy anyway. Did I want to be a victim of what life had thrown me? I had a choice, just like I had a choice to move for work or stay where I was and be unemployed. When someone says they don’t or didn’t have a choice, I usually disagree. Unexpected things happen, yes, but we do have a choice how to react to them.

Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn’t fix anything. Pretending or shutting it out, doesn’t fix anything. Medication and counseling can help a person with depression if they are ready (but, does anyone ever feel ready?). I sought counseling when I knew I needed help to heal from some family/relationship issues. I was ready and it was well worth the time, cost, and pain to get better. It was my road to a balanced life.

I have people in my life that choose a different route; they choose sadness, choose to be alone, or choose to make others suffer for their sadness. Punishing others for what we are feeling or choosing is never a good idea. I have been punished for choices others have made. It is not my job to make you feel better. If there is something I need to apologize for, tell me. I want people around me to be happy and I will do what I can in my power to make that happen, BUT if you continue to choose unhappiness, I will walk away. Self-preservation is king.

Processing and making peace with how we are feeling is extremely important. Let the feelings wash over you, name the feelings, accept them, own them, then let them go. The less time we spend focusing on them, the faster they will pass, and the less likely they will resurface. A very wise friend of mine told me that all feelings come from either of the two core feelings; LOVE or FEAR. Where does our sadness, unhappiness, or disappointment come from? Is it out of love or fear? Are we punishing people and pushing them away in hopes they will say the things we want to hear, promise to change, or somehow choices we have made will have a different outcome? A person can wish and hope, but only through the action to create their own life and reality will life look any different. Put the work in, make the change, and see how your life looks a year from now!

A great video on dealing with challenges over the holidays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE0AH7stT5c

December 26, 2018

A letter to my niece

To my lovely, smart, focused, and determined niece,

I sat yesterday and watched you accept your master’s degree. The beautiful hall was filled with energy and buzz. The room had so many features, though my eyes were drawn to the massive pipe organ. At 5 pm, once the player of the organ was arranged in her robes, the pipe organ started and the procession began. Your smile could have lit the room. I was overwhelmed by your accomplishment. The word “proud” doesn’t do justice. I was taken back to the days when your hair reminded me of a copper penny. You were a sweet and cautious little girl. You have always been as smart as a whip and in your growth, you learned to temper it with humbleness. Fanfare has never been your thing, or so it seems.

I have been thinking of you much in the days since I had lunch with you. As always, you were planning ahead. So much like your dad (he’s my brother and I do the same things). You were planning for your new life and job. You really are starting the next chapter of your life. It might not seem like it now, but when you look back 10, 20, or 5 years from now, you will see it. You may wonder where the time has gone and how you came to the decisions you made and the directions you took. Many decisions are made because of where we have come from; family, religion, and pressure. I am here to tell you, let the pressure off. Rethink the things you think you know and the things you have been told. I’ve been here for 49 years and my mind is still expanded every single day. Yes, I look for it, I am curious of it, and life is a wonderful place to discover oneself.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill. The keynote speaker said this yesterday and it is true. Life is a learning journey. I want you to know a couple of the most important things in life; don’t ever change who you are and don’t ever compromise what you believe is right. Who you are is a daily discovery. When your heart wants to leap with love or retreat out of fear; ask yourself why. I mean; place it in your hand and look at it, ask the questions. When you feel fear, do the same thing. Question often why you believe a thing is right or wrong. You will gain perspective.

Now for a few of my favorite things….ok, a few of the things I want to share that have changed my life. First though, I love you! Doesn’t matter what you do, where you end up, how messed up your life gets, I love you. You don’t have to perform for me or fit in a certain mold, I love you for being you.

When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was he listed two. First, love the lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. AND, love your neighbor as yourself. Both of these are about relationships. Our first call is to have a relationship with THE Father. He is our heavenly Father and we are the apple of his eye. He loves us so much and in return, we also love him. People often forget the other one; love your neighbor as yourself. Why do we need to love others? It expands us as people and we are called to be Christ-like. We cannot judge others and truly love them where they are. I don’t believe that we must be close to all those in our life. Those that love you, are supportive, and challenge you to be a better you, that is who gets to hang around. The others, keep them at arm-length.
“Being with the wrong person will keep you from finding the right person.” Veronica, my friend since 4th grade, said this when we were shopping one day as she was telling the story of almost missing out on Bill, her hubby, because she was with a man who wasn’t her equal and wasn’t who she really needed in her life. I think about this often in my dating life. If I choose ______, then I drastically reduce my other choices.
Along the same lines; your spouse or companion in life can make or break you. Recently, we saw how your cousin’s wife almost ruined his career. The wrong spouse can break you financially. There are so many areas where this is true. Choose wisely and carefully. A question to ask yourself; does this person make my life bigger (expands it) or makes it smaller (recedes it)? Life is big and there is so much to see, experience, and learn. There are so many people to meet and learn from.
If you want to be successful, spend time around those that are more successful than yourself. I have friends that complain about almost everything. They complain about their job, the cost of housing, relationships, you name it. The problem is; they don’t want to do anything to fix it or make it better. These people will suck the life out of you. The more positive you are and are focused on solving problems, the more you will hear how people complain. Spend small amounts of time with them, not a lot of time. Surround yourself with people who are positive, focused, and think outside the box. Surround yourself with people who cheer for you and challenge you.
Have fun! For heaven sakes, if you can’t have fun, why bother! Play, dance, let your spirit be free. This will keep you healthy, upbeat, and happy. It is so important to play and to play with the one you love. This is how you bond. I didn’t have too many of these times when I was married. We did a lot of things with the kids but we rarely had any good playful fun alone. Be playful and silly. This requires you to be vulnerable. If you haven’t read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, I highly recommend it. Her other book, “Daring Greatly” is a must.
Spend time alone. Write in a journal. Make peace with who you are. Get counselling if you need it. Ask for help. During my hardest years, I had a lot of time alone getting to know myself. I needed to make peace with myself because I had guilt. Guilt comes in all sort of shapes and sizes. It comes from well-meaning people and we do it to ourselves. I wrote a lot in my journal and went to counselling. When I got past all that junk, I threw away the journals. Whenever I looked at them, I would feel triggered and sad. So, one day, I threw them away. Boom, the past is over! On to a new page!
Give respect and demand (earn) respect. If someone doesn’t respect you, get away from them. Don’t attack the person but the action. Believe what a person says to you, but always look for their actions. If their actions tell a different story than their lips, actions always win. This goes for boundaries. Boundaries give us a lot of freedom, which I have learned through trial and error. Our self-set limits for certain things in life release us to live within them. Question your boundaries often but when someone pushes your limits, stand strong. Question later.
Have great friends. I mean, really deep, soulful friends. Share who you really are and if they leave, they aren’t real friends. I picture my friendships like a pyramid. There are very few in the top tier, but those are my deep, kindred spirit friends. The next tier are my good friends. I still feel the need to censure sometimes with this group but not often. The third tier are friends that I love to see, but not very often. They are too busy or I have found, at times, to be judgemental. The bottom tier are acquaintances. I know “of” these people but only casually. Usually I run into them at a party or when I am out. All of the friends from each tier can drift between the tiers. I have a friend that was top tier but isn’t anymore. One that was at the bottom who I started spending more time with and she rose up. We have seasons in our lives and there should always be growth. If we are growing, our friends may change if they aren’t growing with us or vise versa.
Live life from an abundance mindset not from scarcity. There is more than enough love to go around, friends, happiness, joy, work, and fun. When we live from scarcity there is competition, hard feelings, and drama. Abundance is beautiful.
Choose joy and happiness. These really are choices. You might have dark days and times. Choosing happiness changes your mindset and it changes your life.
Find ways to be creative. Dance, sing, paint, garden, do pottery, write, knit, build something, work on a car, or whatever. You get the idea.
Be brave! Many times it isn’t in doing the thing good or right, it is in the bravery it takes just to do/try it. Be brave, point your chin up, smile, and go! Here is a big one….say what you feel. It takes bravery to be the first one to say “I love you” or “I am sorry”. You will never regret saying the things that can build connection. You might be rejected, but you will live and you will live richly. Speaking up isn’t always easy or pretty. When you desire something or something needs to change, say it.
Love without the need to be loved back. This one can be a challenge, but when we love without expectation to be loved back, it gives us a freedom to love freely. This is closely related to “love your neighbor as yourself”. I think of this as a deeper part of this neighborly love. There will be times when the people closest to you may not “deserve” your love, but love them without expecting them to return it. Your kids won’t love you for the first couple years of their life, but our hearts love them with the most pure love possible….unconditional love. Again, you can love someone even if the best place to keep them is far away. AND love yourself….you can only love others as deeply as you love yourself.

I could probably go on and on. Here are a couple more….find beauty in everything, have “ahhhh” moments, talk to strangers, don’t be a snob, things are just things, dirt washes off, and most things can be cleaned. You, my dear, are unique and never live less than your wonderful uniqueness. You are enough and you are worthy! I love you!

Aunt Tracy

June 26, 2018

Online profiles with kids

I have been dating for more years than I want to count. My kids were younger when I started the process but I don’t recall ever making a lot of comments about them in my profile. Now I make some comment about having grown children or that I am a mostly empty nester. I have viewed thousands of profiles and I have a little advice for those people with kids.

Limit the number of pictures of you with your kids. We all know your kids are darling and you have a ton of fun together. We don’t need to see them with you in every picture. We don’t need to see you holding them when they were babies (and now they are 15). Old family pictures….also a no-no. Off subject, any picture that shows you in a wedding ring, keep it off your dating profile.
Using the term “kids always come first”. As a parent myself, my kids are my number one concern. The part “always” is hard for me to swallow. I want to pull at my hair and ask these people if they have lived through the teenage years (and beyond)? It can get dicey and demanding, or should I say, they (the kids) get that way. When I have plans, dates with men or plans with my friends, then my kids call at the last minute and want to get together; guess what, I don’t cancel my plans. My kids know the flip side is always true also, I never make promises or plans with them that I don’t keep. Plus as parents, I don’t feel the need to say this phrase, it is a given.
I saw this one today, “my daughter always wins”. Wow, makes me want to have a long term relationship with this guy! Playing second fiddle is not enticing, and to a daughter at that. My kids don’t always win. I always win. I do what is best for my relationships, otherwise I would be left empty handed, no friends and mad, self-centered kids.
Meeting the kids. People have lots of different takes on this. If a long term relationship is the goal, after a couple months of steady dating, I think it is ok to meet the kids. Not on their turf or mine; maybe at ice cream, the park, bowling. This is good for younger kids. My kids are older so I am cool with them meeting anyone that they cross paths with in regular life. My kids are fine with knowing their mother is dating.

A tip for those with grandchildren….please let us know those kiddos in your pictures are grands. It gets a little confusing for those of us looking for empty nesters.

June 8, 2018

A letter to my son

My wonderful son, I know you are hurting or maybe by this point you are numb. I don’t know all the circumstances in what is happening. What I do need you to know is that I love you. I hope you have always felt that love even as you have grown, matured, and had your own family.

I know you have struggles, most I don’t even have a clue about. Life can get hard, mixed up, crazy, and mean. I know that you haven’t had a lot of good examples of marriage. Your dad and I had our own struggles and I think it is important to give you a little insight into what that was.

I just had my 23rd birthday when I got married. When I got reacquainted to your dad in June, he was attentive, fun, and engaging. When he moved to Oregon in July we would sit up late at night and talk. We shared our dreams, thoughts, feelings, and struggles. It seemed perfect; like this could be the perfect person for me to travel the journey of life with. We got engaged quickly and started planning the wedding. I knew that we were raised different. I saw how his dad spoke to his mom and I didn’t like it. Your dad said he didn’t like it either and said he never wanted our relationship to be like that. I was concerned but he was very supportive of my zest for life and my open, sometimes head strong ways.

We got married in January and went on our honeymoon. It was like a switch was turned off. Your dad hardly engaged, the TV was on constantly, and I cried. I didn’t have any idea what happened. Where did the man that held my hopes and dreams go? I think we drove each other crazy for those two weeks. I felt undesirable, unworthy, angry, and sad. Why had our relationship taken a 180? Nobody said marriage was supposed to be like this.

We got back from our honeymoon and started back to work. We worked on the ranch taking care of the cattle. We would come in at night and your dad would turn the TV on and go take a shower. I would start cooking dinner. I would chat but your dad didn’t listen, he seemed completely uninterested. I would get ready for bed and your dad would stay in front of the TV. Many nights he chose to stay there and I would cry and beg him to come to bed with me. I felt lonely and empty. I asked him why he would choose to stay on the sofa and watch TV instead of being with me. He always said he needed more time to unwind. There were nights I screamed and cried, pleaded. It didn’t work. I asked him what I could do different, he said everything was fine. This didn’t seem fine to me.

I asked some ladies at church what I could do if my husband wasn’t paying attention to me. They said I needed to pray more, give it to God, and read some books. I did all of those things. I would try to calm myself at night by praying. When I had time, I would read books on relationships. None of this was working and by the time we were married six months I knew I made a mistake. How could this be the same man I married? What was I doing wrong? I couldn’t walk away, this was the choice I made, I loved this man, we were supposed to make a future.

I finally gave up with the crying, begging, pleading, and anger. A little bitterness had set in and I wish we never had a TV. When your dad wasn’t watching TV he was reading fantasy books….still disengaged. In many ways, I became just like his mom. I stopped raising any fuss about things. I just accepted that this was my life. I looked around and there were very few happy couples so I figured this is how it was supposed to be. I must be selfish to want more.

Then you came along. I was so filled with love that I didn’t notice other things. You were my life, my joy. Your dad was a good dad. He spent time with us and I felt like a family. You were a beautiful distraction from the emptiness in our marriage. Then I got pregnant with Camille. Something felt different with your dad. He seemed even more distant. I kept asking him what was wrong, he always said it was nothing, everything was fine. The tension and distance grew day after day. About a month before Camille was born I couldn’t take it any longer. I begged your dad to tell me what was going on. He told me he had been very unhappy for the last six months. I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said he didn’t know. I was devastated. I was about to have another baby and he didn’t know if he wanted to be married to me. I was really upset so he set up an appointment with the pastor in Lorane. We met with Chuck and he couldn’t seem to get your dad to open up either. Chuck told your dad that he was unkind to bring this up now when I was about to have a baby. We never got to the bottom of what was bothering your dad. He shut me out.

Fast forward many years; another baby, new businesses, a new church, and new friends. Life was busy and it was good. You and your sisters were so much fun. It was very easy to see all the good and forget about what wasn’t quite right. You guys got older and your dad and I got the cabinet business started. Your dad and I worked together very well. He was a very hard worker. I’m not sure why our marriage never seemed worth the work. I remember one beautiful night, I had just finished mowing the front yard and I was having a glass of wine on the patio. I asked your dad to come out and join me. He said he didn’t want to. All of you were watching TV and it was so nice out. I felt very hurt, sad, lonely, and empty. I wondered what I was doing wrong. I kept a clean house, cooked, took care of business paperwork, worked in the shop, took care of the house, loved the kids, loved my husband, volunteered at church, and took care of myself. Why was I sitting here all alone?

Throughout the years I wrote your dad notes and letters. I told him how much I loved him and how I wished we could have more quality time together, do fun things, just the two of us. I told him how his being distant and not interested in our relationship hurt me and made me sad. I asked him what I could do different, what he needed from me. Many times, these notes and letters were not discussed or even mentioned. Little by little I died a bit inside. Was I not worth the trouble?

You know the end of the story, it wasn’t pretty. I was numb and when your dad stopped working and wasn’t helping around the house, I couldn’t take it any longer. I was tired, empty, and felt worthless. I wrote him the final letter and he didn’t believe I wanted to give up on our marriage. By that point, enough had been chipped away it didn’t feel like there was much left. We went to counseling and your dad gave the counselor an earful on how horrible I was for wanting a divorce, how I needed to be fixed, how God hates divorce. It was torture. He still wasn’t saying what we could do to make the marriage work, what did he need from me so we could have a good relationship.

To this day, I would still like to know what I could have done differently. What did I do to your dad to make him disengage in our marriage? Your dad is a good man. I spoke to him today about what is going on with you. I said that you and your wife need to be completely honest about what you need, what you want your marriage to look like, what you want your family to look like. He agreed but then said that just like him, he sees you hating confrontation. Is avoiding confrontation worth more than having a healthy marriage?

Here is my challenge to you; be completely honest with your wife. If you want a clean house, say it. If you want her to raise your son differently, say it. If you want some space each evening, say it. If you want her to cook you dinner, say it. Whatever it is, say it, share it, ask it. She might come unglued….but what do you have to lose? Marriage is hard but divorce is harder. Be open, be vulnerable, cry, yell, get angry, but ALWAYS BE KIND. No name calling, don’t be mean, don’t be hurtful. These things are not acceptable. Take a time out, go for a walk. You chose your wife. Remind yourself what those reasons were. She is passionate, smart, witty, creative, lovely, fiery, and gets your humor. If you are numb, tired, overwhelmed, and want to give up; take some time to consider these things. Talk to someone or take some time to think. This doesn’t mean to check out in front of the TV. Be alone, have quiet, think, and consider your future, your family’s future, your son’s future.

I love you no matter what,
Mom

September 27, 2017