Evening with strangers – the beginning

Last summer I was reading a book called, “Your Money or Your Life”. The book is awesome and I highly recommend it. The author challenged dreams and desires. She said to dig down deeper to figure out why we have certain dreams and desires. So I did just that and a MeetUp was born.

I have always loved to travel. I am curious about the world and how different cultures work. This is probably why I love meeting people. I dream of travel, seeing new lands, meeting new people. I’ve pictured myself in foreign lands, living in a village, getting to know the people and their ways. In the process of digging deeper, I realized this basic desire comes from the fact that I love meeting new people. Yes, I love seeing new places, but I can find those all around me, the states close to me, and the country I live in.

My mind shifted to; how do I meet new people outside of my dating life? Plus, I didn’t want to be dating the rest of my life. I could join some new clubs, scour Meetup for groups I would be interested in, or just have people over for a meal and talk. The first thing that popped into my head was “Dinner with 10 strangers”. I could host a quiet meal with questions that would open people up, let them drop their walls, and really share. Yes, this is what I wanted!

I kicked around the idea with some friends that were less than enthusiastic about me having strangers in my home. I talked to my guy (who wasn’t my guy at the time) and he was on-board and intrigued. He asked about the questions I would ask, I came up with a list. He asked how it would be mediated, I wrote up some guidelines. Boom, it started to come together.

By this time, I was getting my house back in order after my 2017-18 remodel. My house was still a disaster and I was gearing up to go to Italy. My heart was in a bit of turmoil thinking I wouldn’t have Mel around when I got back from my trip. The last thing I wanted to do was to get tied to him in my scheme. As fate had planned, Mel and I were together when I arrived home. Yay!

Mel tied me down one evening and said we should create a MeetUp group, Dinner with Strangers. Unfortunately, that name was taken by someone on the east coast. We settled on Evening with Strangers instead. We hosted our first event on December 5th. We had 4 strangers for dinner. It was a fun evening, just the way I was hoping. We had a second and third potluck with 1 stranger and 2 strangers. All good times!

We hope the attendance will grow. We have invited people we know since the questions we ask give a deeper understanding of people. Answering the questions myself, out loud to others, has given me insight into my deeper beliefs and longings. I feel like I am getting to know myself and Mel better. It is a really good exercise. And exactly what I desire; I’m meeting new people and seeing how others think and feel.

February 14, 2019

Navigating grown children while dating

I’ve been divorced for almost 9 years, April 15, 2019 is the anniversary of when the paper was signed. I started dating slowly when I went “back on the market”. Online dating in 2010 was much different than it is now. I had a few significant relationships along the way, some lasting as little as 3 months. I learned much while dating. I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and what I wanted. Most of the time it was fun, sometimes exhausting.

My kids (3 of them) are grown now, they are all on their own. My youngest will be 21 in a couple months. She is in college and the only dependent I have left. Both of my daughters live relatively close by….it is nice to see them for dinner or on a whim. We all have busy lives and try to make time when we can. My son lives in Las Vegas and he gets a phone call when we feel like chatting.

Dating when the kids were younger was much different than it is now. The question of whether the guy was going to meet my kids is a thing of the past. In the early days, I would wait until I thought I had a significant relationship with the guy, then he could meet my kids. My kids met 3 men in the first 5 years. I think my kids disliked them all. My kids thought one stole me away from their dad, a couple were really old, one was crazy and moody. To be fair, a couple were 10-14 years older than me, one did turn out to be angry and moody, but the accusation that one stole me from their dad, absurd.

My kids knew I was dating and as they got older and I became more relaxed with dating, the lines were blurred. If a man offered to cook me a meal and my kids showed up, they met him. One short-term boyfriend was in the same area where I was celebrating Christmas with my family. I invited him over and he spent the afternoon with my whole family. AND it wasn’t awkward. That same man popped in and out of family stuff for a month before the relationship ended. It might have been the first man my kids really liked.

There have been brief meetings of men and my kids throughout the years. One I thought was going to be a brief relationship has turned into a 4.5 year friendship. He has rented my basement for the last 2.5 years. We don’t spend very much time together these days, but he is always welcome to holidays I host. My kids didn’t like him at first but they see he has a good heart and they have gotten used to him.

The guy in my life now was my friend for a year before we decided to have a relationship. He has 3 grown kids and a handful of grandsons. I met his son and parents before dating started. He met and spent time with my daughters also, even met my parents too. Now that we have an established relationship, I have met his daughters also.

The life of now navigating through this time with all of our grown kids is so much different than it was 9 years ago. My guy’s daughter told me I could take over the job as grandma. She asked me what I would like her sons to call me. I told her grandma was fine though my grandson calls me Nana. She chose Nana.

My daughter told us we couldn’t move. Who would be around to watch her kids when she and her husband decided to have some? News flash girlie, your momma works and couldn’t watch your kids like your Oma was able to watch you. This has been a struggle for me to consider as my kids have grown.

Both of our youngest daughters are not really involved. A lunch or breakfast here and there, that is about it. His son and girlfriend we see the most. They spend a lot of time at the house which I enjoy. In all, the kids are good people. They haven’t met each other yet and someday we might try to make that happen.

My family has accepted my guy. I feel happy and it makes things much easier. They expect him to be joining me when they want to see me. I think his family feels the same about me. It has become this comfortable and warm place. I feel grateful. My kids can be themselves and so can I.

How will things go in the future? I’m only guessing good things will happen. Kids will be kids, even when they are grown. My hope is when the kids meet, they will enjoy each other’s company. What more could a mom hope for? They don’t need to be friends or buddies. Boy, am I thankful they won’t have to share a house!

February 7, 2019

Down to the wire…..

Two months ago I left for Italy with my mom. Time has flown by! The trip to Italy and cruise to Greece for 3.5 weeks with my mom was amazing. I will write about it later and share some pictures.

To recap; during the month of September Mel and I were struggling to figure out where our relationship would land when I returned from my trip. We were good friends, we had a connection, and we shared a good dose of chemistry. What was the problem? I wanted to find my person and if he wasn’t it, I was going to move on, without him. I had already started the process of mourning our relationship. I was willing to risk our friendship to see if we could have more, Mel was not. This was the beginning of a slow goodbye.

The weekend before my Italy trip, Mel invited me to a VW event at the coast. I was excited to go with him and meet new people. I also had a feeling of deep sadness knowing this was probably going to be our last outing together.

He picked me up Saturday morning and we left for the club meeting place. We never have a lack of things to talk about and getting to the place an hour early was no big deal. I met some new people and saw some I had met through the summer events. Mel and I chatted with the others and just between the two of us. I did my best to focus on these wonderful moments.

On the road heading for the coast, I was quiet for some time (this is unusual for me). Mel asked if I was trying to figure out what he was thinking (about our situation). I said I wasn’t, but I was trying to figure out how I felt. In my heart I was grappling with the sadness, trying to feel it but enjoy the present. I do, at times, try to figure others out, but I am not very good at it. I hadn’t wasted too much time trying to figure out Mel, but instead, taking the time to figure out how I felt with the situation.

I have loved Mel since my birthday at the end of 2017. He is a good and caring man. I had resisted falling in love with him. Our relationship has always been grounded on acceptance and friendship. Even knowing he didn’t want to be with me romantically, our friendship was still our place of security.

The coast was fun. We drove on the beach and parked for a potluck. We ate and visited then decided to move the cars due to the tide. The rain was holding off so Mel and I took a walk down the beach with another couple. I held Mel’s hand and held back my tears. I felt joy too, and I wanted to soak it in.

We headed back from the coast and unfortunately, the vehicle we were in, broke down. This can happen when you drive classics! Mel was very disappointed. I was just happy we were safe and it was something he could eventually fix. The tow truck arrived, loaded the bus, and off we went toward home. We had a fun visit with the tow truck driver. We asked him about “the spark” and his girlfriend. An interesting conversation flowed.

We got back to Mel’s and unloaded the bus. We went inside and had a drink. We talked about the day and what he thought the problem was with the bus. We snuggled on the sofa and watched a movie. Mel kissed me and I kissed him back. He pulled back, looked at me, and asked me to stay. I asked what kind of stay over he meant, since we had camped together without any sex and I wasn’t sure if he was thinking sleeping only. We had respected the no sex boundary for almost a whole year. I hadn’t even considered it would be lifted before I left for my trip. This time, there wouldn’t be that boundary. He made a decision and chose to take the risk of our relationship being more than friends. I cried with feelings of happiness, relief, and love. It felt like someone reached into my chest and was squeezing my heart. I felt full. I felt breathless. I felt good.

Is this the beginning (again) of a beautiful relationship? Time will tell. To start a romance off with a month apart….we will see.

December 3, 2018

Fear of failure, scared of success

I was married for 17 years and I failed. I failed to continue to live with a relationship that I felt empty in. I failed to keep my family together. I failed to be a good Christian wife and woman. I failed to sacrifice myself for others. I failed to stick it out. I failed to figure out what wasn’t working. I failed to understand why my husband wasn’t giving me what I needed in our marriage. I failed to keep our businesses successful. I failed to pray enough, to trust God enough, to be enough. I failed to do it all. I FAILED!

As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!

September 17, 2018

When the past enters the present

The last two weeks have been a time of learning and decisions. First, I get a Facebook friend request from a long ago boyfriend. He was significant along my path since he was the first after my divorce (I wrote about him in my dark year post). I was broken and so was he. I am not broken anymore, but I think he is still broken. It sounded this way the last time I had a visit with him. As I had a bowl of soup with him a few months ago it became apparently clear that I had grown and he had not. At least we hadn’t grown in the same ways. So I let his friend request sit there on FB.

Later that week, enter another past boyfriend. He messages me and wants to hang out, he wants to see me, and tells me he misses me. I tell him my time is at a premium and that I don’t see us getting together anytime soon. The thing is, when he contacts me, I don’t feel excited or happy about seeing him. I feel like it is a lot of work, I am obligated because I am “nice”, I have to dodge all his claims about missing me, and we really didn’t part on happy terms anyway. I get done putting him off and he sends me a friend request. Again, I let this sit.

During the days that follow I read not one, but two different articles and blog posts about weeding out so called friends. Here are the messages I received from my readings:

Do these relationships serve me? For these two, the answer was an easy NO. They have no bearing on my life as I know it now. I have to go out of my way to see them and while I cared for these people at one time, I don’t really care now.
How much room do these relationships take from me? While I am looking at a small time commitment to keep these relationships, there is a larger mental commitment that goes along with continuing to engage them. Each time I hear from them I am sucked back to where I was before and who I was. I am not that person anymore (thank God!).
Do I want these people to stay in my life? I have zero reason to keep these people in my life. I don’t want to expand or nurture the relationships. Is this harsh? It sounds like it, but some people nip these off as soon as a break up happens. Why didn’t I do that when things ended? Right, I’m that nice, giving, doormat woman…..no more.
Do these people really care about me and where I am going in life? In all my dealings with these men, rarely have either of them encouraged me to be better, to grow, to find who I am, and/or to help me in any of these areas. I feel like I am the lifeguard and they are the ones slowly drowning. When they make contact, I feel like they are trying to rescue themselves and in those moments, they are drowning me to save themselves.
Have I outgrown these relationships? Yes, I have outgrown these people and the relationships they represent. I am so grateful I am past where I was when I had them in my life.
Am I uplifted and excited seeing these people or do I feel obligated and heavy? With both of them I feel guilty and heavy because my life is so good now. I can barely talk about how beautiful things are and how blessed I feel. One of them throws it back in my face, the other quietly reminds me that I could have taken him along in my beautiful life. Nothing like a little more guilt to make a person feel happy. Uggg.
Do I want my past to follow me to where I am now? My past is always with me. It has grown me into the person I am now. Do I want to be reminded of the hard stuff, the people that were damaged, angry, and wanted me to stay in those places with them? Not for one minute! I really don’t want to even remember those times. I made choices then I would not make now, so why revisit?

To sum it up, I want to free up all the room in my life I can for the good stuff. I want to find my person, my soulmate, my beloved. I want to have friends that feed me the deep, heartfelt nurishment I need to grow. I want people to push me, challenge me, and expand without making me wrong or disrespect my ideas and life. I want the kind of connection that makes me feel alive! I want to like who I am when I am with these people. These people are easy to fall in love with.

What did I do with these two friend requests? I deleted them both. One is still after me and this will be my message to him:

R, while I appreciate you reaching out I cannot continue to engage with you. I have taken a hard look at where I have been and where I am going. As far as friendship, I don’t feel the effort has been made to right things. There is money owed to me, broken furniture, many of my items left behind. Help with my medical bills after our child was miscarried was not offered. I was treated with disrespect and indifference. Even when I have reached out for your help, I found none. This isn’t how friends treat each other. If you want to right any of these things, so be it. If not, I wish you the best in life along your journey.

I look back and wonder why I let this go so long. In the beginning it was because we worked together. Take note, there are many reasons not to date people you work with! He doesn’t contact me all the time but it is rough when he does. The time finally came to step up and have the difficult conversation.

UPDATE: I sent the above message without any expectations. An hour later he had responded and later he transferred some money into my bank account. He said he had been selfish. We exchanged a couple messages. I think he “got it” this time. I thanked him and this will probably wrap up my past with him.

July 27, 2018