Navigating grown children while dating

I’ve been divorced for almost 9 years, April 15, 2019 is the anniversary of when the paper was signed. I started dating slowly when I went “back on the market”. Online dating in 2010 was much different than it is now. I had a few significant relationships along the way, some lasting as little as 3 months. I learned much while dating. I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and what I wanted. Most of the time it was fun, sometimes exhausting.

My kids (3 of them) are grown now, they are all on their own. My youngest will be 21 in a couple months. She is in college and the only dependent I have left. Both of my daughters live relatively close by….it is nice to see them for dinner or on a whim. We all have busy lives and try to make time when we can. My son lives in Las Vegas and he gets a phone call when we feel like chatting.

Dating when the kids were younger was much different than it is now. The question of whether the guy was going to meet my kids is a thing of the past. In the early days, I would wait until I thought I had a significant relationship with the guy, then he could meet my kids. My kids met 3 men in the first 5 years. I think my kids disliked them all. My kids thought one stole me away from their dad, a couple were really old, one was crazy and moody. To be fair, a couple were 10-14 years older than me, one did turn out to be angry and moody, but the accusation that one stole me from their dad, absurd.

My kids knew I was dating and as they got older and I became more relaxed with dating, the lines were blurred. If a man offered to cook me a meal and my kids showed up, they met him. One short-term boyfriend was in the same area where I was celebrating Christmas with my family. I invited him over and he spent the afternoon with my whole family. AND it wasn’t awkward. That same man popped in and out of family stuff for a month before the relationship ended. It might have been the first man my kids really liked.

There have been brief meetings of men and my kids throughout the years. One I thought was going to be a brief relationship has turned into a 4.5 year friendship. He has rented my basement for the last 2.5 years. We don’t spend very much time together these days, but he is always welcome to holidays I host. My kids didn’t like him at first but they see he has a good heart and they have gotten used to him.

The guy in my life now was my friend for a year before we decided to have a relationship. He has 3 grown kids and a handful of grandsons. I met his son and parents before dating started. He met and spent time with my daughters also, even met my parents too. Now that we have an established relationship, I have met his daughters also.

The life of now navigating through this time with all of our grown kids is so much different than it was 9 years ago. My guy’s daughter told me I could take over the job as grandma. She asked me what I would like her sons to call me. I told her grandma was fine though my grandson calls me Nana. She chose Nana.

My daughter told us we couldn’t move. Who would be around to watch her kids when she and her husband decided to have some? News flash girlie, your momma works and couldn’t watch your kids like your Oma was able to watch you. This has been a struggle for me to consider as my kids have grown.

Both of our youngest daughters are not really involved. A lunch or breakfast here and there, that is about it. His son and girlfriend we see the most. They spend a lot of time at the house which I enjoy. In all, the kids are good people. They haven’t met each other yet and someday we might try to make that happen.

My family has accepted my guy. I feel happy and it makes things much easier. They expect him to be joining me when they want to see me. I think his family feels the same about me. It has become this comfortable and warm place. I feel grateful. My kids can be themselves and so can I.

How will things go in the future? I’m only guessing good things will happen. Kids will be kids, even when they are grown. My hope is when the kids meet, they will enjoy each other’s company. What more could a mom hope for? They don’t need to be friends or buddies. Boy, am I thankful they won’t have to share a house!

February 7, 2019

Mourning those still living

Have you ever had a relationship go wrong and it consumed you? A breakup you couldn’t let go of? A person mistreated you and it defines you? Your family member doesn’t treat you the way they did before and you are angry?

My momma told me when I was a little girl that life wasn’t fair. The sooner I could figure that out the happier I would be.

This week has brought me back to that statement again. Also, the delicate balance of family, relationships, forgiveness, conflicts, stubbornness, and a hundred different things. I think mourning is a very important, often overlooked step in life’s processes.

Story: brothers grow up with an age gap and vastly different personalities. As life goes on, brothers recognize (or don’t) their differences, but enjoy spending time together. They have common interests. Younger brother is involved in his nieces and nephew’s lives. It isn’t paradise, but family life is good. Younger brother gets married and doesn’t think it is cool to hang out with his family anymore. Divorce happens, family is back. Another marriage and a child. Nieces and nephew grow up, older brother divorces. Harsh words are said between brothers and wife. Time passes and older brother, nieces, and nephew still make an effort to contact younger brother, which he ignores. This situation starts consuming the whole family. Younger brother has a heart attack, the family shows up at the hospital. Younger brother’s wife is barely civil. Days at the hospital roll by as younger brother is sedated to heal. Older brother is consumed and conflicted.

Families are tricky. At least mine is and the one I speak of above in the simplest terms is also. I am living through a sister-in-law that doesn’t like our family. This barely bothers me anymore. Twenty-five years ago, my brother made choices and it wasn’t what my side of the family was hoping for. This consumed family conversations, my heart, and my thoughts for years. Truth is, we wanted life to be fair….it wasn’t. We still had my brother but in a different way. We still have him now in limited capacity. My sister-in-law didn’t go to my daughter’s wedding or her own daughter’s graduation party (from high school or college). We all have choices, and for years, I was letting someone else’s choices cause me mental and emotional energy drain. I finally put my foot down and said, “I’m done giving this woman power. I refuse to keep beating the same dead horse over and over. I’m done talking about it.” It went over like a lead balloon when I said this to my family. My sister-in-law and brother are not bad people, they make choices different than mine. They are who they are. My kids deal with it on their own. I see and talk to my brother when I can and I always send best wishes to his wife. I feel much freer and easy about it these days.

There have been countless situations where I got stubborn and refused to let things go. I was right, they were wrong, this isn’t fair, why did they do this! Why can’t they just admit how wrong they were/are and ask for forgiveness? This is so sinister….if I hold on to this hurt, anger, righteousness, they will pay! What!!!???? Do you think they care at all? Do you think they know how it is tearing me up? Maybe, but what is it doing to them? NOTHING! We are so self-centered.

Here is what I know to be true….I am sad things aren’t the way I would want them to be. Is it my fault or their fault? Maybe nobody’s fault? Once I can recognize this I need to mourn it. Cry, get angry, cut my hair, wear black! Mourn the picture of the way I wanted it to be. I may not fully accept the way it is right now, but mourning it is a good start. Once the old picture is dead to me, I can look at the situation with an open heart and fresh eyes. So what my sister-in-law doesn’t like any of us! So what she chooses not to attend amazing family events! Do I care anymore? No! I have compassion on my brother, and even her for that matter. I don’t know what his life looks like on the inside. It probably isn’t very fun. Then, my life goes on.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. -Margaret Stunt

News flash, drinking poison doesn’t kill them! Mourning the way we wanted things to be and forgiving all the “wrongdoing” (if it actually was wrong), takes away the poison. That poison was only destroying my life, not theirs. Beating the dead horse gets old…and stinky. We don’t forgive to let the other person off the hook, we do it so we can heal.

Back to the story of the brothers. When the older brother mourns the loss of the way he wanted his brother’s story to go, he will be open to the way it exists now. Let go of the dead horse. Forgive the younger brother’s choices, mourn him, because he may never come back into his life. Once he gives him up he can just say, “that’s who/how my younger brother is”. Mourn, forgive, accept. We don’t have to wait until someone dies to mourn them!

January 31, 2019

Create your own reality

Christmas has passed so now it is time to rev things up for my big birthday and New Year’s Eve. I am reflecting on how families, besides my own, get through the holiday season. I spent most of this season with a family that is new to me. Some of the dynamics are the same, but many are different.

First, depression is real. I do not wish to minimize the effect depression has on people, relationships, and families. I have not suffered from long term depression so I have a hard time completely understanding it. Years ago I dated someone that had deep, dark depression. I could not handle the cloud it cast over life so I chose to end the relationship. I have dated manic depressants. This was a roller coaster ride for me because I loved it when they were manic, but the sad meanness of the depressed days was too much for me. A life full of eggshells is not a place I want to land.

I have had a lifetime learning how to navigate my family over the holidays. Some ways we do this is not healthy. Ignoring certain things and tip-toeing around other things is not easy. This year I entered into a new family with a different minefield. It really is like seeing a beautiful place, but as you enter this land there are conversations, questions, and topics that need to be avoided. I did step on a few bombs this year, but the injuries were minor (at least from my perspective). Even when a map has been clearly drawn out to show where the mines are, I inevitably find other ways to set them off. It may not be a direct step but may still cause pain. I wonder sometimes if the mines we try so hard to avoid are the very things we should be digging up? Should I ask the mom or dad who isn’t with their kids how they are feeling? I can feel empathy when we speak of things that are hurting the people I love and care about. Should we just ignore painful subjects all together, pretend like it doesn’t exist? We did this in my family for decades. In the end, it robbed us all of a desperate need to mourn what could have been. It robbed my family of healing, it robbed my aunt of a life filled with love rather than regret.

I don’t wish to cause another person pain. I don’t want to generalize on this subject. I own the fact that I bring my own history, perspective, and ideas to the table. I am not always as sensitive as people expect me to be (or maybe I should be). Sometimes I am not sensitive at all. Usually my compassion and empathy run out when I hear people blaming others/events for what is going on in their lives. It can sound like this:

Such and such ruined Christmas for me because years ago because this happened.
I have to avoid Christmas because I don’t have my kids.
I can’t be happy because so and so is upset.
So and so didn’t come for Christmas so it ruined the day for everyone.
I don’t want to see anyone because I don’t have money for gifts (money for everything else though).
My unspoken expectations didn’t come true so now I feel depressed and want everyone to hear about it and punish those that didn’t perform the way I wanted.

Please, don’t get me wrong, self-preservation is necessary. If a gathering makes you feel uncomfortable, it is within your rights to avoid it. Avoid the people you need to avoid. What I don’t understand is when someone blames their ruined reality on someone else. Some of the best advice I got was when I moved to a new town after my divorce; “You can create your own reality.” I could make my life whatever I wanted. Yes, my kids lived with their dad and I only saw them 5-8 days each month, but I had a choice to let it ruin my life or chase happiness and joy anyway. Did I want to be a victim of what life had thrown me? I had a choice, just like I had a choice to move for work or stay where I was and be unemployed. When someone says they don’t or didn’t have a choice, I usually disagree. Unexpected things happen, yes, but we do have a choice how to react to them.

Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn’t fix anything. Pretending or shutting it out, doesn’t fix anything. Medication and counseling can help a person with depression if they are ready (but, does anyone ever feel ready?). I sought counseling when I knew I needed help to heal from some family/relationship issues. I was ready and it was well worth the time, cost, and pain to get better. It was my road to a balanced life.

I have people in my life that choose a different route; they choose sadness, choose to be alone, or choose to make others suffer for their sadness. Punishing others for what we are feeling or choosing is never a good idea. I have been punished for choices others have made. It is not my job to make you feel better. If there is something I need to apologize for, tell me. I want people around me to be happy and I will do what I can in my power to make that happen, BUT if you continue to choose unhappiness, I will walk away. Self-preservation is king.

Processing and making peace with how we are feeling is extremely important. Let the feelings wash over you, name the feelings, accept them, own them, then let them go. The less time we spend focusing on them, the faster they will pass, and the less likely they will resurface. A very wise friend of mine told me that all feelings come from either of the two core feelings; LOVE or FEAR. Where does our sadness, unhappiness, or disappointment come from? Is it out of love or fear? Are we punishing people and pushing them away in hopes they will say the things we want to hear, promise to change, or somehow choices we have made will have a different outcome? A person can wish and hope, but only through the action to create their own life and reality will life look any different. Put the work in, make the change, and see how your life looks a year from now!

A great video on dealing with challenges over the holidays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE0AH7stT5c

December 26, 2018