The almighty SPARK!

When was the last time you felt the spark for someone? Did you start dating the person who you felt the spark for? Was it mutual? Did the relationship work out? Do you chase after the next spark? How quickly does the spark fade? How often does the spark grow into a bonfire? Is this “spark” something you can explain?

I had dinner with Mel last night. He told me he didn’t feel a spark for me, that was what the problem was. This is what I thought it was all along, so this is nothing new. What did come to light is how he compared me, and everyone else to Darla when we met. He probably continued to do it until a couple of months ago. I will have to ask him. Now he compares every woman he meets to me. This is a recipe for disaster. I’m not sure if he sees it, but I do. Will either of us find someone else if we keep comparing? Will either of us feel “the spark” for someone new with the comparisons? I think this is what happened between Mel and I. He was looking for someone better than Darla, but I am not better than Darla, I am different than Darla. Like Mel said last night, he and I look perfect on paper….politics, religion, retirement, business, fun, acceptance, finances….but he doesn’t feel “the spark”. He feels sexual desire for me but not the spark. He doesn’t want to have sex with me because he knows it will change everything. What he may not be considering is that everything will change when I go back to dating. I will have to give him up because the comparisons will have to stop. As long as he is filling part of what I need (from my future love), I will not find a man to fill the empty places I need him to fill. There are only a few options that I can see:

* We part ways
* We have sex and everything is fantastic
* We have sex and part ways
* We part ways and Mel feels the spark for me

I can only remember one time in the last 25 years that I have felt a real spark. It was with truck driver Matt a few years ago. The chemistry and magnetism were so strong, my skin felt electrified, I could hardly breathe, let alone put two words together. The first time and every time he touched me, it was amazing. I could have died a happy woman in his arms. That lasted 3 months and it burned out. I cried everyday for 3 months after we broke up. This is life.

People grow on me. Do I think my feelings for Mel are real? Yes, because I know him, I trust him, I feel safe with him. I have fun with him. I think for the most part, he wants to make me happy and he does make me happy. Life is complicated and if I can’t make him happy then I need to be on my way….spark or no spark.

“The closer we get to what we truly desire, the more obstacles we place in its way.”

September 14, 2018

No decision is a decision

We met almost a year ago. We hit it off. You were sleeping with your business partner who turned out to be your girlfriend. If you are sleeping with someone and you want a future with them….they are called “girlfriend”. I asked and you were honest. Thank you for that, I could make a decision based on truth.

Why did I continue to see you when I knew you were emotionally and physically attached to someone else? You stirred something inside me that had been dormant. I put you in the “friend zone” because there were two choices; friend zone or goodbye. There have been windows of time we crossed the “friend” line, but not so much that things changed.

You have been my friend, my helper, my travel buddy, my cheerleader, my encourager, my thought provoker, my inspiration, and my sounding board. You have listened to me rattle on about whatever book I am reading, whatever crazy idea I might have, how I want to change my life, my plans to find freedom, retirement, what is going on in my family, my struggles, and the longings of my heart. You have given me a strong hand to hold, tight hugs, and a place to relax when my house was torn apart.

You have provided me so many opportunities for fun. Road trips for cars, parts, trades. Camping in a tiny trailer to look at old trailers. Evenings at nice restaurants, drinks at dives. You meeting my friends and family, my meeting your friends and family. Car shows, parks, garage sales, swap meets. I love your bugs, buses, and all the partly assembled vehicles sitting around in an organized fashion.

What was dormant in me? My entrepreneurial spirit. The thought of being able to start something great, come up with ideas, and eventually execute was buried deep where it was left when I got divorced. I was in survival mode for a few years, on to building a new life, and finally to stability and security. Now I have room to think outside the box and you have helped me expand it.

September 2018 is here and as we talked about future travels and endeavors I realized we have to stop doing this. We are not together, we are not a couple. We are both very single now, but there is no “together” in sight for us. We drew a line in the sand on Monday….to date or not to date each other? I am willing to give it a try, but you are not. The tide came in and the line is gone. You say you might make the decision when I get back from Italy. I told you that you don’t ever have to make a decision, eventually the decision might be made for you. No decision is a decision.

The stakes are high. I laid down my cards and opened my heart to you twice. Both times my cards have been left on the table. I can feel the risk and my own fear and excitement. I feel the twinges of rejection, but maybe it is just disappointment. I haven’t allowed myself to dream of a future with you. I have dreamed of a future in the right relationship. I do love you, but I am not in love with you. I’m lucky for that! It was my hope that dating would stoke the fire.

November will come and I will pick up my cards. I may not be willing to gamble at your table any longer. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know that as I search for the right relationship, I might have to. Time will tell and I believe things will fall into place as they should. Maybe you find your person that fills your empty spots and loves you for you. I hope to do the same. Maybe it is you and me, maybe it is not. I love you just the way you are, I appreciate you, I am proud of you, you make me smile. You are a good man, you are a unique person, you are a builder, you are smart, you love people, you love process. May you always be you! XO

September 6, 2018

Will you know it when you see it?

As I make this journey in the dating world, I wonder often if I will know it when I see it. What will I know? What is it I will see? Will we both see “it” at the same time?

I have a friend, Trisha, that met her soulmate on a plane. He sat down next to her and they started talking. She said after a few minutes she just wanted to lay her head on his shoulder and say, “there you are!” Did he know on the airplane too? Here it is years later and they are getting married. They are so cute together. When she shares her story, she lights up. How did she know he was the one?

I have met some people in the last several years of dating that “felt” right. I didn’t think, “this is the ONE” but I knew they felt different than the people I had met and couldn’t flee fast enough. Was it their energy, their smile, their voice, their eyes, our conversation, or the questions they asked? What was it?

I’ve learned recently finding a kindred spirit doesn’t make a romantic relationship. Is two people looking for and focusing on the same thing where the creation starts? Do you have to be looking for your person to find them? I’ve heard women talk about meeting men that said they would never marry again, then behold, they produce a ring and get married. When do we listen to what is said? When do we throw that out and think they will marry again?

In October of 2017 I decided I wanted to marry again. My wounds had healed, my broken parts were beautifully put back together, my heart was open, and I felt a soft longing. I was longing for a deep connection, a man to build a future with, fun, security, trust, and a plan to forge forward into the great unknown…..together. Yes, I used the word “together”.

Will I recognize the right man when I see him? Will he feel right from the start? Will he be looking for the same thing as me? I am looking for a great man to share a great relationship. While I have found great men, the relationship part hasn’t happened. My journey will continue until I find it. Until then, I will just keep looking!

September 5, 2018

When the past enters the present

The last two weeks have been a time of learning and decisions. First, I get a Facebook friend request from a long ago boyfriend. He was significant along my path since he was the first after my divorce (I wrote about him in my dark year post). I was broken and so was he. I am not broken anymore, but I think he is still broken. It sounded this way the last time I had a visit with him. As I had a bowl of soup with him a few months ago it became apparently clear that I had grown and he had not. At least we hadn’t grown in the same ways. So I let his friend request sit there on FB.

Later that week, enter another past boyfriend. He messages me and wants to hang out, he wants to see me, and tells me he misses me. I tell him my time is at a premium and that I don’t see us getting together anytime soon. The thing is, when he contacts me, I don’t feel excited or happy about seeing him. I feel like it is a lot of work, I am obligated because I am “nice”, I have to dodge all his claims about missing me, and we really didn’t part on happy terms anyway. I get done putting him off and he sends me a friend request. Again, I let this sit.

During the days that follow I read not one, but two different articles and blog posts about weeding out so called friends. Here are the messages I received from my readings:

Do these relationships serve me? For these two, the answer was an easy NO. They have no bearing on my life as I know it now. I have to go out of my way to see them and while I cared for these people at one time, I don’t really care now.
How much room do these relationships take from me? While I am looking at a small time commitment to keep these relationships, there is a larger mental commitment that goes along with continuing to engage them. Each time I hear from them I am sucked back to where I was before and who I was. I am not that person anymore (thank God!).
Do I want these people to stay in my life? I have zero reason to keep these people in my life. I don’t want to expand or nurture the relationships. Is this harsh? It sounds like it, but some people nip these off as soon as a break up happens. Why didn’t I do that when things ended? Right, I’m that nice, giving, doormat woman…..no more.
Do these people really care about me and where I am going in life? In all my dealings with these men, rarely have either of them encouraged me to be better, to grow, to find who I am, and/or to help me in any of these areas. I feel like I am the lifeguard and they are the ones slowly drowning. When they make contact, I feel like they are trying to rescue themselves and in those moments, they are drowning me to save themselves.
Have I outgrown these relationships? Yes, I have outgrown these people and the relationships they represent. I am so grateful I am past where I was when I had them in my life.
Am I uplifted and excited seeing these people or do I feel obligated and heavy? With both of them I feel guilty and heavy because my life is so good now. I can barely talk about how beautiful things are and how blessed I feel. One of them throws it back in my face, the other quietly reminds me that I could have taken him along in my beautiful life. Nothing like a little more guilt to make a person feel happy. Uggg.
Do I want my past to follow me to where I am now? My past is always with me. It has grown me into the person I am now. Do I want to be reminded of the hard stuff, the people that were damaged, angry, and wanted me to stay in those places with them? Not for one minute! I really don’t want to even remember those times. I made choices then I would not make now, so why revisit?

To sum it up, I want to free up all the room in my life I can for the good stuff. I want to find my person, my soulmate, my beloved. I want to have friends that feed me the deep, heartfelt nurishment I need to grow. I want people to push me, challenge me, and expand without making me wrong or disrespect my ideas and life. I want the kind of connection that makes me feel alive! I want to like who I am when I am with these people. These people are easy to fall in love with.

What did I do with these two friend requests? I deleted them both. One is still after me and this will be my message to him:

R, while I appreciate you reaching out I cannot continue to engage with you. I have taken a hard look at where I have been and where I am going. As far as friendship, I don’t feel the effort has been made to right things. There is money owed to me, broken furniture, many of my items left behind. Help with my medical bills after our child was miscarried was not offered. I was treated with disrespect and indifference. Even when I have reached out for your help, I found none. This isn’t how friends treat each other. If you want to right any of these things, so be it. If not, I wish you the best in life along your journey.

I look back and wonder why I let this go so long. In the beginning it was because we worked together. Take note, there are many reasons not to date people you work with! He doesn’t contact me all the time but it is rough when he does. The time finally came to step up and have the difficult conversation.

UPDATE: I sent the above message without any expectations. An hour later he had responded and later he transferred some money into my bank account. He said he had been selfish. We exchanged a couple messages. I think he “got it” this time. I thanked him and this will probably wrap up my past with him.

July 27, 2018

A letter to my niece

To my lovely, smart, focused, and determined niece,

I sat yesterday and watched you accept your master’s degree. The beautiful hall was filled with energy and buzz. The room had so many features, though my eyes were drawn to the massive pipe organ. At 5 pm, once the player of the organ was arranged in her robes, the pipe organ started and the procession began. Your smile could have lit the room. I was overwhelmed by your accomplishment. The word “proud” doesn’t do justice. I was taken back to the days when your hair reminded me of a copper penny. You were a sweet and cautious little girl. You have always been as smart as a whip and in your growth, you learned to temper it with humbleness. Fanfare has never been your thing, or so it seems.

I have been thinking of you much in the days since I had lunch with you. As always, you were planning ahead. So much like your dad (he’s my brother and I do the same things). You were planning for your new life and job. You really are starting the next chapter of your life. It might not seem like it now, but when you look back 10, 20, or 5 years from now, you will see it. You may wonder where the time has gone and how you came to the decisions you made and the directions you took. Many decisions are made because of where we have come from; family, religion, and pressure. I am here to tell you, let the pressure off. Rethink the things you think you know and the things you have been told. I’ve been here for 49 years and my mind is still expanded every single day. Yes, I look for it, I am curious of it, and life is a wonderful place to discover oneself.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill. The keynote speaker said this yesterday and it is true. Life is a learning journey. I want you to know a couple of the most important things in life; don’t ever change who you are and don’t ever compromise what you believe is right. Who you are is a daily discovery. When your heart wants to leap with love or retreat out of fear; ask yourself why. I mean; place it in your hand and look at it, ask the questions. When you feel fear, do the same thing. Question often why you believe a thing is right or wrong. You will gain perspective.

Now for a few of my favorite things….ok, a few of the things I want to share that have changed my life. First though, I love you! Doesn’t matter what you do, where you end up, how messed up your life gets, I love you. You don’t have to perform for me or fit in a certain mold, I love you for being you.

When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was he listed two. First, love the lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. AND, love your neighbor as yourself. Both of these are about relationships. Our first call is to have a relationship with THE Father. He is our heavenly Father and we are the apple of his eye. He loves us so much and in return, we also love him. People often forget the other one; love your neighbor as yourself. Why do we need to love others? It expands us as people and we are called to be Christ-like. We cannot judge others and truly love them where they are. I don’t believe that we must be close to all those in our life. Those that love you, are supportive, and challenge you to be a better you, that is who gets to hang around. The others, keep them at arm-length.
“Being with the wrong person will keep you from finding the right person.” Veronica, my friend since 4th grade, said this when we were shopping one day as she was telling the story of almost missing out on Bill, her hubby, because she was with a man who wasn’t her equal and wasn’t who she really needed in her life. I think about this often in my dating life. If I choose ______, then I drastically reduce my other choices.
Along the same lines; your spouse or companion in life can make or break you. Recently, we saw how your cousin’s wife almost ruined his career. The wrong spouse can break you financially. There are so many areas where this is true. Choose wisely and carefully. A question to ask yourself; does this person make my life bigger (expands it) or makes it smaller (recedes it)? Life is big and there is so much to see, experience, and learn. There are so many people to meet and learn from.
If you want to be successful, spend time around those that are more successful than yourself. I have friends that complain about almost everything. They complain about their job, the cost of housing, relationships, you name it. The problem is; they don’t want to do anything to fix it or make it better. These people will suck the life out of you. The more positive you are and are focused on solving problems, the more you will hear how people complain. Spend small amounts of time with them, not a lot of time. Surround yourself with people who are positive, focused, and think outside the box. Surround yourself with people who cheer for you and challenge you.
Have fun! For heaven sakes, if you can’t have fun, why bother! Play, dance, let your spirit be free. This will keep you healthy, upbeat, and happy. It is so important to play and to play with the one you love. This is how you bond. I didn’t have too many of these times when I was married. We did a lot of things with the kids but we rarely had any good playful fun alone. Be playful and silly. This requires you to be vulnerable. If you haven’t read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, I highly recommend it. Her other book, “Daring Greatly” is a must.
Spend time alone. Write in a journal. Make peace with who you are. Get counselling if you need it. Ask for help. During my hardest years, I had a lot of time alone getting to know myself. I needed to make peace with myself because I had guilt. Guilt comes in all sort of shapes and sizes. It comes from well-meaning people and we do it to ourselves. I wrote a lot in my journal and went to counselling. When I got past all that junk, I threw away the journals. Whenever I looked at them, I would feel triggered and sad. So, one day, I threw them away. Boom, the past is over! On to a new page!
Give respect and demand (earn) respect. If someone doesn’t respect you, get away from them. Don’t attack the person but the action. Believe what a person says to you, but always look for their actions. If their actions tell a different story than their lips, actions always win. This goes for boundaries. Boundaries give us a lot of freedom, which I have learned through trial and error. Our self-set limits for certain things in life release us to live within them. Question your boundaries often but when someone pushes your limits, stand strong. Question later.
Have great friends. I mean, really deep, soulful friends. Share who you really are and if they leave, they aren’t real friends. I picture my friendships like a pyramid. There are very few in the top tier, but those are my deep, kindred spirit friends. The next tier are my good friends. I still feel the need to censure sometimes with this group but not often. The third tier are friends that I love to see, but not very often. They are too busy or I have found, at times, to be judgemental. The bottom tier are acquaintances. I know “of” these people but only casually. Usually I run into them at a party or when I am out. All of the friends from each tier can drift between the tiers. I have a friend that was top tier but isn’t anymore. One that was at the bottom who I started spending more time with and she rose up. We have seasons in our lives and there should always be growth. If we are growing, our friends may change if they aren’t growing with us or vise versa.
Live life from an abundance mindset not from scarcity. There is more than enough love to go around, friends, happiness, joy, work, and fun. When we live from scarcity there is competition, hard feelings, and drama. Abundance is beautiful.
Choose joy and happiness. These really are choices. You might have dark days and times. Choosing happiness changes your mindset and it changes your life.
Find ways to be creative. Dance, sing, paint, garden, do pottery, write, knit, build something, work on a car, or whatever. You get the idea.
Be brave! Many times it isn’t in doing the thing good or right, it is in the bravery it takes just to do/try it. Be brave, point your chin up, smile, and go! Here is a big one….say what you feel. It takes bravery to be the first one to say “I love you” or “I am sorry”. You will never regret saying the things that can build connection. You might be rejected, but you will live and you will live richly. Speaking up isn’t always easy or pretty. When you desire something or something needs to change, say it.
Love without the need to be loved back. This one can be a challenge, but when we love without expectation to be loved back, it gives us a freedom to love freely. This is closely related to “love your neighbor as yourself”. I think of this as a deeper part of this neighborly love. There will be times when the people closest to you may not “deserve” your love, but love them without expecting them to return it. Your kids won’t love you for the first couple years of their life, but our hearts love them with the most pure love possible….unconditional love. Again, you can love someone even if the best place to keep them is far away. AND love yourself….you can only love others as deeply as you love yourself.

I could probably go on and on. Here are a couple more….find beauty in everything, have “ahhhh” moments, talk to strangers, don’t be a snob, things are just things, dirt washes off, and most things can be cleaned. You, my dear, are unique and never live less than your wonderful uniqueness. You are enough and you are worthy! I love you!

Aunt Tracy

June 26, 2018

Online profiles with kids

I have been dating for more years than I want to count. My kids were younger when I started the process but I don’t recall ever making a lot of comments about them in my profile. Now I make some comment about having grown children or that I am a mostly empty nester. I have viewed thousands of profiles and I have a little advice for those people with kids.

Limit the number of pictures of you with your kids. We all know your kids are darling and you have a ton of fun together. We don’t need to see them with you in every picture. We don’t need to see you holding them when they were babies (and now they are 15). Old family pictures….also a no-no. Off subject, any picture that shows you in a wedding ring, keep it off your dating profile.
Using the term “kids always come first”. As a parent myself, my kids are my number one concern. The part “always” is hard for me to swallow. I want to pull at my hair and ask these people if they have lived through the teenage years (and beyond)? It can get dicey and demanding, or should I say, they (the kids) get that way. When I have plans, dates with men or plans with my friends, then my kids call at the last minute and want to get together; guess what, I don’t cancel my plans. My kids know the flip side is always true also, I never make promises or plans with them that I don’t keep. Plus as parents, I don’t feel the need to say this phrase, it is a given.
I saw this one today, “my daughter always wins”. Wow, makes me want to have a long term relationship with this guy! Playing second fiddle is not enticing, and to a daughter at that. My kids don’t always win. I always win. I do what is best for my relationships, otherwise I would be left empty handed, no friends and mad, self-centered kids.
Meeting the kids. People have lots of different takes on this. If a long term relationship is the goal, after a couple months of steady dating, I think it is ok to meet the kids. Not on their turf or mine; maybe at ice cream, the park, bowling. This is good for younger kids. My kids are older so I am cool with them meeting anyone that they cross paths with in regular life. My kids are fine with knowing their mother is dating.

A tip for those with grandchildren….please let us know those kiddos in your pictures are grands. It gets a little confusing for those of us looking for empty nesters.

June 8, 2018

A winner!

The title, “A winner”, is one I have struggled with for days. I met a man that was a winner for me for a period of time. One day I hope to find, “The winner”, who will be my person and fill my empty places.

I met Greg around the middle of October. We met on a dating site where we both swiped right. I was lured by his bright eyes, boyish grin, and his open profile. We met at a wine bar close to me and I saw him through the window before I walked in. He was bald (I love bald men), tall, and well built. He was taking off his flat cap and coat as I walked across the street. I recognized him immediately. We hugged and I sat down. We had an instant connection and I felt safe, secure, and excited. It was so nice to meet a grown up who had his life in order, was really single, and had a full social life.

Greg and I had some really great times together. He was a kind man who followed through on what he said. His eyes sparkled when he spoke and he had an easy smile. We liked to spend time together and he allowed me to be playful. He introduced me to his friends and took me to some wonderful parties with some wonderful people. I could see us fitting into each other’s lives without a huge disruption to either of us. Things were flowing along, he met my friends. I was very happy.

For reasons beyond my control, Greg got stressed out and told me he couldn’t see me any more. He needed to concentrate on kids, friends, and work. I graciously accepted this and wished him the best. We both had started looking ahead to what we could actually be in the future. I worked through my fears and my thoughts of running away, he didn’t. Maybe there was more to it. Maybe I overshared, maybe it was 100 other things. The bottom line; it did not work out.

What I did take away from my time with him is that I deserve a good man, Greg was a good man. I can be valued for who I am not what I do. I don’t have to over function. I am sexy and fun, a free spirit with a grounded, secure heart. It takes less effort and stress to be in a relationship with a successful, happy, mature man than with an insecure man who doesn’t know what he wants. Good men are nice, warm, and not scary at all. My picker works!

May 23, 2018

Am I tortured?

Last night I went out with a friend, yes, it was my nerdy neighbor, Mel. He is back in my life after I told him in February I couldn’t see him anymore because I had developed feelings for him. I got over the fact that I laid my cards down and he didn’t pick them up. For whatever the reason, I am a no go. This tells me he is not my guy. After all, I read the book, “He’s Just Not that Into You.” Mel is not into me so there is no reason to convince him or myself otherwise. It really pisses a couple of my friends off that what we have between us is fun, flirty, and sexy (sometimes). Let’s mix in a healthy dose of great friendship, rapport, support, acceptance, openness, and platonic love. Still, with all of this, there is not a romantic relationship. I do ponder this myself sometimes and think that it would be easy and comfortable to be in a relationship with him. Then the pendulum swings back and I know he is not my person. Could he be my person; maybe.

Back to last night. Mel got his VW bus running and picked me up from work. He drove me around and it was so cool! We had Korean food for dinner from a food cart he knew of. We sat at picnic tables and enjoyed our food. It was a lovely afternoon/evening. We left and headed to my house. We had a glass of wine on the deck and we talked. The question he asked me was very interesting. “Why do you hangout with me if you know this will never go anywhere? Why would you torture yourself like that?” My response was “torture?” His phone rang and we lost a bit of the moment. I answered the reason I hang out with him; he is fun and he challenges me. He helps to open my mind to possibilities I may not consider. I asked him why he spends time with me knowing it is never going anywhere? His response, “I get bored sometimes so I see what you are doing.” Wow, a bit of a slap in the face! I don’t think I am a relief for his boredom, all the time. First, I don’t think he gets that bored. He has a home and cars to tinker with all the time. Second, I think he enjoys my company and that he can say anything he wants to me. Later, after more thought, I told him I spend time with him because I feel accepted and loved just the way I am. I don’t have to hide my flaws.

As far as torture, I would be torturing myself if I thought I could convince him to feel something for me he doesn’t or I thought I could win his heart. I don’t believe either of those things. I believe what I believe about most relationships; if it is meant to be, it will be!

May 22, 2018

Dark year – part 2

When I let Tris back into my life it was near the holidays. I spent time with him but it was different. Yes, he seemed more into me and accessible. There was something I noticed that hadn’t been there before….oh wait, it had been there and I didn’t see it. Tris drank a lot and often. I noticed that 99% of our time together was about drinking. I told him I would like to do something fun with him besides going out or staying in drinking.

One afternoon he planned for us to go for a hike. It was starting to rain, it was getting dark, he didn’t know where the trail head was, there wasn’t a place to park. He told me he had everything together. We got most of the way up the trail and it started to rain, not a big deal since I had rain gear on. Then darkness was upon us. The trail close to a steep ravine so we stopped to pull out the flashlights he had packed. I was relieved since I was having a hard time seeing the trail. We turned on the flashlights and they quickly faded and went dark.

I was anxious and scared. I was angry that I wasn’t safe and it was because I trusted someone that was untrustworthy. I know he could feel my fear and anger. By the time we got back to the vehicle I was cold and exhausted. I was ready to cry and scream at the same time. I know he felt I wasn’t OK even though I was trying to be encouraging while we were on the trail. I wanted to get to safety. Now we were safe and I was quiet. He took the opportunity to blame everything on someone or something. I told him it was OK, I was just glad we were safe. I told him I had been scared. He discounted my feelings and said I had nothing to be afraid of. I dropped it. He knew how to play the guilt card and I ended up with guilt for feeling scared.

I was seeing a counselor by this time and I had just started dance classes. I had also purchased an ebook by Rori Raye. I devoured the book twice. I started to understand part of what felt bad to me in my marriage. I also started to recognize what wasn’t working with Tris. Besides his alcohol consumption and our trust issues, I also started to see he wanted me to take care of his feelings. By sharing his feelings all the time, I had very little outlet to share mine. He was the center of the relationship since we were always dealing with his shit. It wasn’t that I didn’t have any of my own, but his were always more important, deeper, harder.

Christmas was coming soon and my kids were coming up for a few days. Tris was going to see his daughter in LA and he was going to fly. Guess what? He had a fear of flying! BUT, he got on the plane to see his daughter and did just fine. BUT, he couldn’t get on the plane to come back. This meant he wouldn’t make it to the plans we had for Christmas. I was pissed off. We were supposed to go to his friend’s house for the day. I had no time to plan for an alternative, so, kids in tow, we went to a home full of people I didn’t know. The people were nice and apologetic. They welcomed the whole family. My kids were NOT happy at all. It did go down in history as a crazy thing mom made them do. We could have sat in my apartment all day, but to me that was losing.

The day after Christmas, Tris gets back on the bus. One of his friends picks him up at the bus station since I still had my kids. Following morning we all (Tris’ friends and me) get together for breakfast. Tris is cold and doesn’t apologize for not getting on the plane. He talks and talks about how horrible the bus ride was traveling during Christmas and how it is so hard to have a problem flying. He starts to cry at the table. I don’t make any effort to soothe him, we all just say that it was really sad. The hostess at the Christmas party starts to talk about how nice and sweet my kids were. How she enjoyed having us. Tris didn’t like that at all. She just took the spotlight off him and put it on me. I could feel his anger. I tried to diffuse by thanking her for having us to her home even though she didn’t know us. Tris looks at me and asks if I am going to blame him for a bad Christmas. I assure him it wasn’t a bad Christmas, I just wish he had been back for it. The tension is building and I want to get out of there. I rode with Tris and when we got in his vehicle he exploded. He wanted an apology from me. He said I was cold and not understanding of his situation. I told him I had my own feelings around the situation and was pissed about the way it was so easy for him to blow off our plans for Christmas but he was able to fly to see his daughter. He got even more angry. He called me selfish and uncaring. I told him I didn’t want to dance to this music anymore. I was done. When he dropped me at the car he almost drove away before I was completely out.

I was done….finished. He wanted me to be the masculine, I wanted to be the feminine. We both couldn’t be feminine at the same time. Tension….for us it caused tension, and not the good time. I could see it and I wasn’t willing to keep doing it. In a different way than my husband did it, this man wanted me to be the masculine. Nope, I am the girl. It was many months before I saw Tris again. He tried to apologize but I wouldn’t take the bait. The years have passed and we have remained acquinances.

He did stop drinking after one or two DUIs. I saw him a couple months ago. As I sat across the table from him, I thanked God I didn’t let him spoil my life. I thanked God I had grown and healed. I am thankful for the lessons learned and the ones I am still learning. Soon after our parting years ago I met my friend, Ella, that would help bring light into the darkness. I started to let people back into my life, I started to make friends that I still have now. I’m thankful, grateful, happy, and relieved.

May 3, 2018

Dark year

I had a friend that lived near where I got my job in the Portland area. We had worked at my parents’ winery together. Tris was supportive and caring during my divorce, move, parental rejection, and new job ordeal, but looking back, he was not ready for a relationship. I was sad, lonely, needy….suffice to say, it was not a good combination. My first time out in the relationship world for 19 years! Sex and time together, does that make a relationship? Despite my best efforts to convince him to love me, I saw his truck parked in front of someone’s house on one of my very early morning walks. I was devastated. I begged him for an answer and when the truth was told, this was how he left women. He would get drunk and sleep with someone new. The sting and hurt were crushing.

I took to online dating. I look back now and see how painfully damaged I was. The only type of people I would attract would be those that would hurt me. I plowed ahead and met two nice men. I was not equipped to date two men at the same time! They were so different and had good hearts. One of the men, Ted, had passive aggressive tendencies. It was easy to recognize since I was only a couple years away from my ex. He would pull me in, then push me away when he didn’t get the exact answer he wanted or a text/call back immediately from me. He was a little flashy for me and one of the cool kids. I’m sure he was seeing plenty of women besides me but he acted like he wanted my undivided attention. We always had a fun time together but I didn’t think we had a future. We remained friends for a few years and are still acquaintances today.

The other man, Ed, was older. He was and is the most senior to my age that I have dated. I was 41 at the time and he was 55. He had kids the same age as mine so he seemed youthful and was active. We communicated a lot online before meeting. We shared and revealed a lot of ourselves before even speaking on the phone. I remember back to the day I was going to meet him. It was probably the most nervous I ever was at a first meeting. I rushed home from work to change my clothes. I wore a little spaghetti strap denim dress and a pair of sandals. The dress hugged my curves in a sweet way. I was so nervous I felt like Bambi taking his first walk on shaky legs. Needless to say, our first meeting was a success. He walked me home and we had our first kiss. I felt very comfortable with this man….and I felt safe and scared at the same time. Safe because I trusted him, scared because I wasn’t sure if I could trust myself. I told him I didn’t want to have a sexual relationship until I felt comfortable and until we decided to have a relationship.

Fast forward 4 months; Ed takes me to his family’s beach cottage over a holiday weekend. After much discussion on the way to the beach, we decide to solidify our relationship. We had so much fun that long weekend. I remember thinking this could be it, this could be my guy. I was happy and content, ready to tell Ted that I couldn’t see him anymore and settle in with Ed.

Then crazy comes back around, Tris tells me he wants me back, he realizes how much he misses me and how he feels about me. What? This person pushed all my buttons of pain and self-doubt. I physically hurt when he did what he did. Again, I have a hard time seeing two men at the same time. Tris knew exactly how to play on my heart strings, he knew exactly what to say to make me take him back. He knew how to play his cards to make it feel OK that he treated me the way he did.

So I did the unthinkable, I let him creep back into my life. At the same time, I let Ed go. Ed was devastated. I was too! I played the push pull in my mind for several days. My head hurt, my body ached, and I felt like I made a mistake. Hindsight is 20/20 and that was a mistake. Not to say that things could have worked out with Ed in the long run, but at the time, it would have been the healthier choice. Thing is, my body knew it. I was bold one afternoon and showed up where Ed worked and asked him to take me back. He was reluctant, as he should be. I was a mess!

Ed did take me back but Tris was always in the background….playing with my mind and heart. I should have severed ties but I didn’t. He would say things like, “how do you know if I’ve changed if you don’t give me a chance?” He actually made me feel guilty for not giving him a chance. At the same time, Ed’s son moved into his house. Ed hadn’t had a kid full time in his house for years. It changed him. He complained about what a disappointment his son was. He complained and complained….it was a real downer. Our fun times at his house turned into a “wait and see if his son comes home” game. It was difficult to feel turned on and happy when it was constant complaining. He even said if he could do it all over again, he wouldn’t have kids. He was too selfish. It finally came to a head and I told him I couldn’t take the energy drain with his complaining. He walked out……and I let Tris back in.

May 3, 2018