I should be working on taxes….I can do that tomorrow. I decided to be a bit creative and reason out some thoughts swirling in my mind.

Thought/question for the day: what would my ex and I have to do to consider getting back together?

Backstory; we have been done romantically for 2.5 years. We bought property together in 2021. The house was a fixer and the whole property needed work. I work remotely and have a project management mindset so I was the one tasked with living in a trailer on the property and making the magic happen. The house remodel was wrapped up in early 2022 (about 8 months time). It was a big accomplishment but all I felt was sadness. I lost my relationship early in the project. Maybe I will write another post about that journey.

Last year he tried to get a loan to buy me out and I tried to do the same. Neither of us could accomplish it since it is commercial property. So we are stuck in this business together. We had some very rocky times even before going into this business/property together. Was getting hooked together in this way the best idea? Probably not….hindsight is 20/20. So many hurtful things were said and when I mention times he came unglued, he goes back into the rage he felt at the time. Needless to say, it makes it almost impossible to sort anything out.

Forward to present. I am back to dating, as is he. We have shared some really good times together the last couple months. I have let myself play the “what if” game. What if we were able to get past those nasty things he said? What would need to change to make me even consider?

Here is my list:

1. He would need to get personal counseling.
2. We would need to get couples counseling.
3. He would need to make fitness/healthy habits more important.
4. He would need to go to the dentist.
5. Less drinking when we are together. No drinking when we need to talk about anything important.
6. He needs to wash his hands more often.

He hasn’t actually said he wants to get back together. He just says he feels all the roads point back to me and him being together. This is bittersweet since we could have stayed together if his insecurities hadn’t gotten the best of him. He opened his mouth and horrible things came out, not just once but several times.

Am I being unreasonable with my list?

When I moved into my last apartment with the little storage room, I realized I probably didn’t need to keep ALL the Christmas decorations I had been toting around. I had never had all the things out for the last 5 years. I also whittled down my books to a mere 6 boxes.

I bought my house in August of 2015. It was a LONG way from move in so I had 2 months to get my things ready to move. BUT, I also had a lot of work to do at the new place. My new house was twice as big as my apartment….wow, I could stack all my sh*t inside! My mom came to help me get moved and she was shocked how much stuff I had stashed in my apartment. In the new place, it looked like it had doubled. It was spread out all over the place. When I moved into that apartment, I moved on Friday and had company over on Sunday. Everything had been put away quickly.

This move was different. I still had a lot of work to do before everything could find a real home. I had stuff stacked in the basement, in the living room, in the bedrooms. The only places that were ready to roll were the kitchen and bathroom. I was planning on renting out the largest bedroom so that one was perfect and clutter free. The rest….disaster! A month in my house it looked like Goodwill and Home Depot both exploded inside. It was a crazy time but I found places for everything (all those boxes of stuff). I was going to rent the garage out, so I didn’t stack anything in there. I rented my basement out also. I had a 2076 sq.ft. house but I used 1,236 sq.ft. I shared living space with another person also. I had the equivalent of one bedroom to myself and a bunch of stuff stored in the other sloping ceiling room and storage room.

The first year in the house I updated the basement; it’s rented. Second year, I anticipated a remodel upstairs. I had all this space with a sharply pitched roof so the space you could stand in it was very little. I had a bunch of stuff stored in the area that you had to crawl to. The remodel created the need to downsize the stuff. My garage was rented and I knew I had too much stuff. I had to mentally let go of whatever had kept me moving the stuff for 7 years. Was it a sense of security, of not wanting to let go of the person I used to be, or not giving up the happy or painful memories that those things carried?

Five large tote bins of fabric….first to go. Hard, yes! Gradifing, yes! Then I went through my shoes; 10 pairs gone. Half my clothes, gone. Tons of other things. Last Christmas my daughter hosted Christmas in her house for the first time. I took 90% of the decorations and left them there. Will a couple of the things ever make it back into my house? There’s a 50/50 chance.

The remodel is almost complete. I haven’t looked at most of the stuff that has been in the garage for over 6 months. It is easy to say that I probably don’t need most of it. It will be harder to let go of it. Several boxes are filled with pictures of my kids and keepsakes. The pictures will be getting digitized when the rain starts again and each of the kids will get a disk and their share of the hard copies. The keepsakes I’ll go through and see if any of them can make their way into the light so I can look at them. If the kids want some of the items, they can store them. I will take pictures of some items then donate them.

The thought of less stuff and more space does make me feel good. Less stuff is more mental clarity, more physical space, more emotional relaxation, and more spiritual trust. Less is more!

I have been on a journey to learn to live with less. I scoured Pinterest to figure out how to fit more into my space. The reality is, I just need less stuff. I got rid of a bunch of stuff last year; piles of books, half my clothes, tons of shoes, boxes of fabric, and knick knacks that meant little to me. I still have a long way to go. My daughter is going to have a garage sale this summer and I am going to take many things there. Whatever doesn’t sell will be donated.

I read some blogs and listened to some podcasts on how stuff holds you back mentally. Some said I haven’t found my person because I have too much stuff (mental and emotional clutter). I look around my house and see many things I have hanging around that are left from my marriage or ex-boyfriends. Those things will be going to the garage sale. I don’t have room for the memories they bring unless they bring me joy (like my kids). Mentally and emotionally I need to cleanse my space.

I am in the middle of a remodel gone bad. There is stuff sitting everywhere and on top of that, my daughter just moved home from college (with all of her stuff)! We are sharing a room and it is cozy. Construction is moving forward now and I hope I am in the new room in a month. All of the things for the remodel are in various places around the house and garage. This makes me feel very unsettled. Another reason to get rid of more things….I don’t really need everything!

Reading books and watching Ted talks only goes so far. I need to do it! I wonder how I got so much stuff in the first place. I guess I thought I needed it or someone got it for me because I needed it. Do you know how hard it is to get rid of stuff someone else bought for you? Ten times worse than trying to get rid of stuff you bought for yourself! I fall prey to the old, “I might need it one day, it might fit one day, I might read it one day, I might do something (knit, sew, create) with it one day.

I read the book, “The Year of Less” last month. I love what she says about keeping things that aren’t who we are right now. We buy the suit because we think we should look more professional. We buy the book because the person we think we should be would want to read it. And on and on. This conveys the idea that we aren’t happy with the person we are right now. Or as Brene Brown says, it keeps us believing we aren’t enough. I need to find the place in my heart, mind, and home where everything that I keep is “enough”. I am “enough” despite what the messages from the outside are telling me.

Cait Flanders, “The Year of Less” author got rid of most of her belonging then set out on a journey for a year to buy very little. She had a list of things she could buy but nothing else. It was a struggle for her on so many levels. When shopping, I have to ask myself the question, “do I need this right now?” Likely the answer is NO! She saved a ton of money and realized she still had more than what she needed. I have a goal to use up all the stuff I have before I get anything else….like that lotion that smells good or the Dawn soap on sale. DO NOT BUY IT! Sit tight, use up what I have and go to the store when I am one use from being out (I don’t do this when it comes to toilet paper). The clothes don’t serve me if I don’t wear them, if I don’t look good in them, if I don’t feel great in them. Why am I keeping them? Scarcity mindset?

Scarcity
Hoarding
Abundance
Enough

What do these words mean to my life? Scarcity; do I hold on to things because I think I won’t be able to afford more? Hoarding; do I keep all of them because I like them/it and can’t release them to a new owner? Abundance; do things overflow in my life? Enough; do I rest easy knowing I have everything I need and not too much?

I just realized I will have to come back to my deeper thoughts on these things.

So, these few things to set me on my way to realizing I need to make white space in my life.