Author: admin

Is there a ghost here?

A funny thing happened in September! Hot, hot days and some warm nights! I wanted to go to a wine festival and none of my friends wanted to go. So I ran this ad on Craigslist:

I’m just a regular, playful, fun loving mature woman. I have my life together, hwp, kids grown, and DDF. I enjoy wine, food, live music, hiking, outdoor activities, and I’m willing to give almost anything a try once. I have a lot of energy and prefer you would too. I’m not one to sit around watching TV and tend to get along best with those that are active. You don’t have to be a runner or gym rat, just be fit with plenty of energy.

Here is the thing; I am looking for a long term relationship and would like that to be your goal too. I figured The Bite on Saturday would be a good place to get to know someone without the usual pressure of sitting across the table for coffee.

This is important; I am looking for someone 38-60, non-smoker, that lives within the Portland Metro area. I am not into 420 and don’t like the smell of the smoke. ALSO, please respond with your basic information AND a picture. Subject should be your favorite wine variety.

I did get a lot of responses. Most didn’t follow the directions given. A couple answers stood out from the others. One was from a man named Jim, he lived to the west. Another was a younger man named Josh. He was from SE. The other one was Shawn (for this story, yep, he’s Shawn). This story will be about Shawn even though the other two have their own short stories. Shawn contacts me and he was the one I would have liked to have met at the event. We emailed back and forth a couple times and I ask him what time he is available for the following day. I don’t get any response. I end up meeting young Josh at the event. He was an OK companion, it doesn’t work out.

A couple days later I get an email from Shawn about missing the event. No biggie, sorry you weren’t able to go with me. That was probably the basic reply. He emails me some more and we have a dialog. We ask questions back and forth and I confirm he does, in fact, want a long term relationship. Again, yes, this is Craigslist.

We email for about a week and in this time I find out he works out of town Monday-Thursday (or Friday sometimes). Sometimes he even stays over the weekend if it is a fun place, like say Hawaii! Yep, his territory included Hawaii! So this goes back and forth and I am about to let it go. I tend to get bored if there is endless emails, texting, or messaging. He asks for my phone number and I give it to him. He says he is trying to cut his trip to Seattle short to get home before heading to Hawaii. He does this specifically to have dinner with me. Wow, man flies in from Seattle to have dinner with me! Yeah baby, that’s what I’m talking about! He picks a place close to his house in SW. I get there early, like 30 minutes early (GPS said it would take longer than it did). I text him and he heads right down.

He walks in and I am pleasantly surprised. He is handsome, well-spoken, smart, nice, clean cut, and bald. It is my lucky evening! We order food and drinks and start sharing. He comes from a very large family, has 3 kids, loves to cook, and is renovating a small house close to the restaurant. He talks a little about his work and travel. I feel comfortable with him and happy he got back into town for this meal!

Shawn and I walk back to my car with our arms wrapped around each other. It was in a friendly “we are just strolling along” way not the “get a room” way. We get to my car, I open it, and throw my bag in. I turn around and hug him and get a firm hug in return. I’m a sucker for a good hug. I kiss him on the cheek and I get in my car.

By the time I get home I have a message from him asking if I can go to his house for dinner on Saturday night. He wants to cook for me. I did not sense any creepiness in him so I respond that I would love that! The next day he lets me know he got a little excited about me and forgot he was supposed to have dinner with his daughter on Saturday. He is bummed but asks if he could cook for me the following Saturday. I agree to see him then.

Shawn gets back from Hawaii the following Friday. He asks if I have any food restrictions, of which I don’t. I don’t really like raw onions or mushrooms but beyond that, not really. He gives me his address and lets me know 6 pm would work and I don’t need to bring anything.

I show up at his house at 6 and I am aware that there are some signs of artistic creativity in the yard. There are several sets of mannequin hands in the front planter. There is also some juvenile art on the fence. In all, a tidy place that is getting a new sidewalk (that has been his project for the day). I knock on the door and I can hear loud music drifting out the windows. I knock harder and hear him coming to the door. He opens the door, welcomes me in, and I give him a quick hug and thank him for inviting me. He is cooking away in the kitchen. It is a small place with art everywhere, mostly nude women. All that I can see are large canvases that fill every bit of wall space. He gives me a quick tour, pours me a glass of wine, and continues his cooking. It looks like we are having a shrimp appetizer, grilled steak, and brussel sprouts. And a salad! He cooks the marinated shrimp and they are amazing. The music is still playing loud and he asks me a few questions about my week while he continues to prepare our dinner. His kitchen is small with stuff piled up around the back and edges of the counters. It is clean and well appointed. I stand at the edge of the kitchen with my wine talking with Shawn. I can tell he loves cooking. He is going to cook the brussel sprouts with pears, looks like he is roasting them. The steak is getting ready to go on the grill. I ask if I can help and he declines the offer. I am having a good time watching him as I sip my wine. He comes in from putting the steak on the grill and hugs me and kisses me. It is a first kiss, nice and warm.

We sit down on the sofa and eat dinner on his coffee table. The night is warm, music is still playing (very eclectic selection), and the food amazing. We talk about our lives, where we come from, our families, kids, travel, and our houses. I am preparing for a remodel and he is doing his own work on his house. Our conversation has a nice flow. He opens another bottle of wine and I settle in for another hour or two. He snuggles me in closer on the sofa. I am enjoying the sensations. I am relaxed, comfortable, and well fed.

He gets up to go to the bathroom and I realize I need to go too. He comes back and I make my way into the bathroom. I realize on the visit that the brussel sprouts made me a little gassy and I am happy the music is loud and the large window is open. I start thinking brussel sprouts were not a good choice for a first real date. Mental note made and I go back in the living room.

We cuddle on the sofa with more kissing and roaming hands. It is all very nice. He asks me to stay over but then the memory of brussel sprouts makes me decline….I can feel gas building up again. He looks hurt and I tell him it isn’t about him, but I don’t have my overnight bag. He looks relieved and I grab my purse and head out to the fresh air to make my way home. That was a close one…..remember brussel sprouts and intimate moments don’t mix.

Shawn makes me dinner for several Saturday nights. We talk very little during the week, rarely a text, rarely a plan for the following weekend. I start to feel this is really odd for our Saturday dinners. I did start spending nights over at his place. One Friday he messages me to see what I would like for dinner on Saturday night. His assumption I am available makes me feel annoyed. I let him know I have been craving scallops. He tells me he will specially prepare them for me to make me happy. Great! He tells me to come over at 6 pm, like usual. The weather has turned cold and rainy and I am glad I am going to his space since mine is cold and under construction. I dress in my fuzzy workout pants and top. I head over at the regular time and before I get there I get a message from Shawn saying he is running late, let’s make it 6:30. I pull over and let him know I am 5 minutes from his house. I don’t hear back so pull in and park at the Safeway near his house. It is underground parking and will be a warmer option than sitting in his driveway. At 6:30 he says he is out of the shower and come by. Oh, and he didn’t have time to shop and prep so we are going out for dinner. Damn it! The night I wear relaxed clothes. Part of me is completely annoyed. I wanted a warm evening in front of his fire, relaxed and cozy, not traipsing through the rain and dark. And I wanted those scallops!

We go out and all the best places for dinner are jammed. I know I will feel better once I have a glass of wine and some food. The evening ended up being good and he was attentive. I think he could sense my frustration and probably my hunger. We only had one evening after that.

We had a nice Saturday evening with fish tacos the following week, I didn’t know it would be our last. I got a text the following Thursday evening that included a news story about a woman (prostitute) that shot the guy she was with twice in the head. The reason; he wasn’t doing oral sex on her the way she wanted. Shawn says something along the lines that he hopes I would never feel this way about him. I assure him he doesn’t need to worry about me shooting him. He thanks me and I never hear from him again! That was about 4 months ago. I wonder if he did die? It isn’t my thing to just check in when he kind of made is clear he didn’t like to be bothered during the week. I had started seeing someone else so I let it go. I determined I wanted a full week relationship, not just a Saturday night relationship. I have determined also, Shawn may actually be a ghost!

 

 

Goodbye my nerdy neighbor

OK, he isn’t a close neighbor, but he lives about 5 minutes away. Where I grew up, that is a neighbor. I met my neighbor online in October. The weather was still warm during the day but cooling at night. Our first meeting was at a little wine bar near my house. We sat near the big rolling door that was open to let in the warm afternoon breeze. We had our first glass of wine and the talking didn’t stop for 3 hours. During our second glass, the sun was setting and it was cooling down. We moved over to the sofa and continued sharing. We agreed on some of the basic foundational beliefs; religion, politics, and what we were hoping to find with our dating life. We were both looking for that person to fill in the empty spots that friends can’t.

Attraction and chemistry; it was hard for me to determine. He was entertaining and fun to talk to. He had a great sense of humor. It is weird to talk about him in the past tense since he is still alive and I suppose I can give him a name….let’s call him Mel (short and sweet)! We talked about so much, we did hit it off. We were told the bar was closing so we said goodbye and hugged. I wasn’t sure I would see him again. First meetings are always this precarious balance of; “Wow, I had a great time but did he?” or “I liked him but not sure if he is going to contact me again.” Mel did stay in contact.

We had our first date the next week at another wine bar. He knew I liked wine and made an effort to make me comfortable. We continued to have good rapport and explored deeper subjects like online dating, porn, and sexual compatibility. I felt completely at ease talking to Mel….it was refreshing. He wasn’t the typical type I have dated. I am not opposed to the nerdy type but generally I don’t usually attract that type. Mel was handsome in his own way. If I saw him across the bar I wouldn’t wonder who the hunk was. But his smile was disarming and his direct, no nonsense way was attractive. He was smart, had a good job, and was quirky. And he loved Volkswagens….the old ones.

He asked if I was hungry (which I almost always am) and I said yes. We walked down to the BBQ place and sat at the bar and shared a meat platter and sides. I determined I liked him. We were both dating heavily, working our way through a lot of people. He had an active social life, which again, I think is a good thing. He made a comment about women stepping up during dating and I wasn’t sure what he meant. I blew it off. We finished there and he walked me to my car. We hugged and had our first kiss. It was nice and comfortable. Passionate? not really but a really nice start.

Mel continued to message me each day and we set up another date. We decided to meet at my local sports bar. We ate nachos and shared stories of dating and what we were still looking for….talked about our kids and struggles. I told him I appreciated his generosity and consistency. Consistency is very hard to find in the dating world….at least longer than the first week. He walked me home and I showed him my house that was getting remodeled. He kissed me good night and it was even better than the last.

The big date came when Mel asked me to his house for dinner. In the dating world this is the biggie because going into a man’s space can lead to intimacy in many different ways. Most men are looking for a woman to accept his space, his personal space that is all him. Also, a dinner and some wine can lead to touching and even sex on occasion. This was our 4th date and I wasn’t sure which way this would go. We were certainly open about sex and attraction but it was not something he talked about wanting with me. He fed me salmon and asparagus that he had already prepared. After dinner he showed me around. As he walked me through his house he showed me this huge pile of boxes. He said it was powdered milk and cereal. He said it wasn’t his stuff but his business partner, Darla’s. I will call her Darla because I want to. So I asked some questions about Darla and what the nature of the partnership was. Mel said they worked on business ideas together and bounced things off each other. Darla had the cereal left after the close out of a business. Mel showed me around his house and all the improvements he had made and wanted to make. I liked his home, it was tidy and clean. He showed me the car he was working on in the garage. We finished off one bottle of wine and Mel opened a second. He hadn’t put any moves on me and we sat back down at the kitchen counter. I was a little perplexed as he poured me another glass of wine and sat on the barstool next to me. We talked for hours then it was time for me to leave. I took my glass into the kitchen and he followed. He hugged me and kissed me. He pressed up against me and I could tell it was causing some reaction. He ran his hands up the sides of my breasts and I took a deep breath. He leaned back and looked at me then said he would walk me to the door. Hmmm, he is a real gentleman. I am a little confused but hey, I’m all for waiting for more physical contact.

One evening later that week, Mel called me out of the blue and asked if I would like to meet him at my bar. I said sure. I walked down and he had ordered the nachos again. Am I so easily readable? He said he had a date that was short and sweet. He was headed back this way and wanted to see me. I was happy he did, I was enjoying my time with him. He told me he had been to the airport to pick up his ex girlfriend. Then he told me he was offended she expected him to put her luggage in the trunk of the car. And she expected him to carry it up the stairs to her place. This concerned me because I had never heard a man voice such a thing as being offensive. I knew Mel liked strong, independent women but I thought this was extreme. I shared that I would expect the same from a man. I would also be grateful and appreciate the lifter of the suitcase. He replies that us women want it both ways. We want to be strong and do things our own ways but then we want men to take care of us. Now I am really confused. I don’t feel defensive but not sure if he really feels this way or is playing the devil’s advocate. We question each other a little more and he seems clear that he is not a supporter of women being admired and loved just by “being” but they need to step up and perform like a man. There is no value in just “being” but everyone has to “do”. This goes against what I believe concerning man and woman relationships. I was expected to “do” or perform while I was married and I ended up doing way too much. I was tired and not comfortable wearing the masculine pants in the relationship (even though I didn’t have the control just the responsibility). This coming from Mel was shocking. I didn’t know what to think but he continued to make me believe that I would find myself in the same situation with him. He would take the backseat and I would do the work. Yikes! We parted that night and I felt conflicted. He seemed very adamant about this and this was a situation I didn’t want to get caught up in.

What is a girl to do? I enjoy his company but pretty sure this can’t be the relationship I am looking for. I buy a Groupon for smoked turkey legs and ask Mel out. He agrees and I tell him I will drive. He seems confused by this and I say I am stepping up. I go by his house and pick him up. We head out to another city with GPS to guide us. GPS doesn’t help and in the process of trying to find it, we find out the turkey leg place is closed. Oh well, I am flexible, let’s find another place. We find a nice place and we go in. Mel is a bit perplexed by my forwardness in insisting on driving. He is hurt that I didn’t want to ride in his bug. I tell him it has nothing to do with that but completely with stepping up and putting on my big boy panties. I tell him I took to heart his suitcase story and decided to be the guy. I was taking control and stepping up. Now he is totally uncomfortable and tells me that he doesn’t like the way it feels. I let him know that I took to heart what he said and I don’t think we are probably going to work out as romantic partners. I want to be valued just for being not in the doing. He says he is not sure he understands and isn’t sure he stands behind what he said during the suitcase story. We had a lovely dinner and against my best efforts, he still pays for dinner.

Two days later Mel asks me out to the turkey leg place. He says he found it and he would drive this time. It made me giggle since he was being the man. He knows where we are going and he is going to take us there. I agree and I’m looking forward to it. The evening comes and I get a text that he is running a few minutes late. No problem. Then 5 minutes later I get a call that his car broke down. I start to laugh and ask what does this mean? Do I need to come and pick him up? Is he going to be waiting for a tow truck? He says he will roll the car over to a parking place and jump on the train. If I can pick him up at the train station, we can go to dinner. I think this is hilarious. Poor guy is doing his best to prove he is the man and his car breaks down. I pick him up and off we go. Turkey leg place is a converted warehouse but cool. Mel was very attentive and we compete to get the napkins, go to the bar for more beers, and throwing the trash away. I am amused by this change, or was it a change? Is he just more aware or am I more aware? Either way, we have a good time. We chat on the way back to his house and he invites me in. He shows some of the things he is getting rid of and what he is changing. He keeps mentioning Darla. He says she doesn’t like this or she likes that. I finally ask if he is sleeping with her. He says he is. This explains a lot! I tell him how I was confused how he invited me over for dinner and didn’t make the moves on me….didn’t even take me to the sofa after dinner. I ask him why he is dating if they are business partners and sleeping together. He tells me she has some narrow and black and white views of life. He wants someone more open-minded. He said they met through a dating site and he values her more as business partner than a romantic partner. I can understand how this goes since I have Richard in my life. I have little emotional attachment to him beyond friendship.

I continue to see Mel at least once a week. We have a great time together and we are completely open with each other. I have met another man that I am very excited about and I begin to date him. Mel is still dating up a storm and not finding anyone that fits. I ask him if he is keeping Darla as his back-up plan. He thinks for a moment and says that maybe the others are the Darla back-up plan. He tells me in some ways all things point to Darla. Maybe Darla is the “one”. If this is the case, why is he still dating? Why not just throw in the towel with Darla and make it official, have a full blown relationship with her? He tells me she doesn’t like to do his stuff with him and doesn’t have much gray area in her life. Once she makes up her mind how something should be, it goes into a box and that is just the way it is. I take that at face value and don’t think much of it.

The guy I was dating breaks things off….that is another story. I am sad and I miss him but life moves forward. It is a week before Christmas so I don’t have a lot of time to wallow. I squeeze in a few dates then I go out with Mel and tell him the other guy died (just kidding). He tells me he thinks I am awesome and beautiful. I am very touched by his way of easing my pain. Christmas comes and goes and my birthday arrives. I invite Mel and a few other friends to go out for my birthday. I have an amazing birthday and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I continue dating and feeling lonely. Mel and I are hanging out together more, he helps me get one of my computers back in operation and sees some revealing pictures (we joke about it). One night we go to dinner and we go back to my house and we kiss. It isn’t the little kisses we have shared before but these are the type that lead to something more. He picks me up from my eye dilation and feeds me the next day. The day after that I go over to his house. He shows me some of the things he is working on and keeps talking about Darla doing this or that. I ask about how woven together their lives are and he disagrees. He says there is still not a real relationship there. I accept that and we snuggle on his sofa. I start to feel something for him but determine it is just because we are spending so much time with each other.

A few days later Mel comes to my house to help me with my computer again. I just got out of the shower and put on my relaxation clothes. He works on my computer and sits behind me on the chair. He touches me and wakes me. I know he is monogamous with Darla and I don’t want to start something that isn’t going to lead to a long term relationship. We both play it off but it felt very good. I am sexually vulnerable at this time but I don’t want to be stupid.

Mel calls me on a Friday night and asks if I (the cutie) wants to go out. I’m at the gym and tell him I can be ready in 30 minutes. I get home, message him I will leave the front door unlocked because I might be more than 30 minutes. 3 minutes later he walks in. He has been drinking and is very touchy. He goes upstairs with me and helps me pick out my clothes. I am ready for my shower and he asks if he can sit in the bathroom and talk to me while I bathe. If he wants to see me naked, I have no problem. He is a gentleman and we chat while I am in the shower. Undressing and dressing in front of someone is a very intimate thing for me. I get ready and we go out. He picks this fabulous place with the best steak I have had in a long time. We are having a great time. We go next door and have another drink. I am very comfortable with him and wonder why I don’t have or can’t have this with someone that is more available. We go back to my place and we kiss and touch and things do escalate. There is not sex but it is hot! Shoot, wow, geez!

The next week we go out for dinner. Mel tells me that he won’t be giving up Darla for many months. I jokingly say I will try my best not to sleep with him. Haha! The next day I realize that I need to back off. I am chasing him and he just told me she is going to be staying in his life sexually and professionally. I feel the sting and let it go. I don’t make any move to see Mel. I make an appointment to see Mel’s dad and Mel comes with him. We talk about my remodel and they leave. Mel returns after he drops off his dad. He tells me he broke it off with Darla. Their relationship will be just business now. He and I talk about what we both want out of a relationship. I didn’t ask if he wanted that with me but here he is sitting at my table telling me Darla is out. I tell him I don’t want a 50% relationship and if we all just put up with a 50% or a 25% we will never have room for a 100%. I want 100% and I am willing to do someone else’s stuff and have a good time. I have my own stuff that I would like someone to enjoy doing.

Mel contacts me Saturday while I am on a dud date. After my date he asks if I want to come over. I head to his house for some wine. I walk in and see some new artwork on his wall and say I like it. He said Darla gave it to him. How nice of her! He shows me a new cabinet he bought. I like it, it suits him and his house. He gets me a glass of wine and he shows me his spare room. Darla has made all the bedding. Wow. We chat about Mel’s lunch with the woman that he used to live with, Abby, and her husband. He is concerned her relationship is ending with her husband. He has a heart and it is nice to see he is concerned. I ask him when he got the cabinet and he tells me he drove out of town today to get it and Darla went with him. Hold on! What? Was this business? Nope, just didn’t want to drive alone. Darla lined up some garage sales to go to also but she was kinda crabby. What the heck! No wonder she was crabby, you don’t break up with a woman then ask her to spend the day with you. Really? I can feel myself slipping into annoyance. He says, yeah that is probably what I did wrong the other times we broke up, we spent too much time together then I end up sleeping with her again. I ask him why he didn’t ask me. He said he didn’t know if I would like to go. Not asking is a sure way of never knowing. Then he tells me she had the garage sale stuff all lined up. We watch a movie and I get ready to leave. He says he may want to go to breakfast in the morning and I tell him I am available. We have a single soft kiss goodbye.

The next morning, no call for breakfast. I decide to go to the coast with Richard, who calls me on a whim and I say yes. Mel doesn’t contact me all day. I am hurt. I realize I have feeling for him otherwise I wouldn’t care. I do care. I care that Darla is in Mel’s life and it is going to be like that for a very long time. He might be willing to settle for a 50-75% relationship but I am not. My heart hurts because I understand he will keep choosing her, they have history, and she “does” for him. I don’t want to win any man by doing. After a restless night and morning I compose this message:

Good morning Mel. I considered doing this
face to face but I know avoiding emotional
awkwardness (tears) is important. I started
to develop feelings for you a few weeks ago.
I am looking for my person to fill my empty
spots and you are not available. I see now
you already have someone in your life
and home. She is everywhere and I can’t
see you anymore. I feel sad and I need to
stop before I continue to make a fool of
myself.

His response:

I understand

This is the end to a wonderful friendship that could have been a great romantic relationship. I know I did the right thing. It was not good for me to be twisted in Mel and Darla’s game. My heart wishes Mel would choose me but my mind knows he will stay with what he knows, even if it is less than 100%. He will probably go back to dating to see if he can find a perfect replacement for Darla or his next back-up plan. Each time Darla rejects him he will know there might be a woman out there that will accept him. He may have even already met her and rejected her.

Cancer?

I have wondered how I would feel if someone close to me got cancer. My grandparents got lung cancer and died when they were in their 80s (I was in my 40s). I know this was very hard for my mom and aunts and someday I might have to go through it with my own parents. My kids have never been really sick or suffered any prolonged illness. I am truly blessed in this way.

Last night a friend told me he fears he has cancer. After going to the doctor for what he thought was a broken finger, he found out it could be something more serious. He got x-rays that showed the bone closest to his hand was hollow. This took several radiologists and doctors to read correctly. Many had never seen anything like this before. This has a name that I can’t remember but basically it is diagnosed as a tumor in the finger/hand. His bone looks like a hollow crab shell and could break at any time.

Since my friend is in the medical field he looked up the diagnosis and read it was a precursor to bone cancer. Three years ago, when we first met, he was having some health issues. At that time they thought he had leukemia. It was a scary time for him but it was correctly diagnosed as a B vitamin absorption problem instead. Now he is wondering if all these blood issues could be pointing to what he is hoping isn’t true. If he does have bone cancer, did it start there or does he have cancer some other place in his body?

He is meeting with his primary doctor today to talk about what this could mean. His doctor said he shouldn’t jump to any conclusions. Likely, several tests will be ordered, PET and MRI, blood work will be run. Until there are answers, we wait.

How do I feel? I feel scared and anxious. I feel sad and concerned. I feel mushy inside. I have cried a few times and find myself on the verge of tears. Answers come quickly, please.

A letter to my son

My wonderful son, I know you are hurting or maybe by this point you are numb. I don’t know all the circumstances in what is happening. What I do need you to know is that I love you. I hope you have always felt that love even as you have grown, matured, and had your own family.

I know you have struggles, most I don’t even have a clue about. Life can get hard, mixed up, crazy, and mean. I know that you haven’t had a lot of good examples of marriage. Your dad and I had our own struggles and I think it is important to give you a little insight into what that was.

I just had my 23rd birthday when I got married. When I got reacquainted to your dad in June, he was attentive, fun, and engaging. When he moved to Oregon in July we would sit up late at night and talk. We shared our dreams, thoughts, feelings, and struggles. It seemed perfect; like this could be the perfect person for me to travel the journey of life with. We got engaged quickly and started planning the wedding. I knew that we were raised different. I saw how his dad spoke to his mom and I didn’t like it. Your dad said he didn’t like it either and said he never wanted our relationship to be like that. I was concerned but he was very supportive of my zest for life and my open, sometimes head strong ways.

We got married in January and went on our honeymoon. It was like a switch was turned off. Your dad hardly engaged, the TV was on constantly, and I cried. I didn’t have any idea what happened. Where did the man that held my hopes and dreams go? I think we drove each other crazy for those two weeks. I felt undesirable, unworthy, angry, and sad. Why had our relationship taken a 180? Nobody said marriage was supposed to be like this.

We got back from our honeymoon and started back to work. We worked on the ranch taking care of the cattle. We would come in at night and your dad would turn the TV on and go take a shower. I would start cooking dinner. I would chat but your dad didn’t listen, he seemed completely uninterested. I would get ready for bed and your dad would stay in front of the TV. Many nights he chose to stay there and I would cry and beg him to come to bed with me. I felt lonely and empty. I asked him why he would choose to stay on the sofa and watch TV instead of being with me. He always said he needed more time to unwind. There were nights I screamed and cried, pleaded. It didn’t work. I asked him what I could do different, he said everything was fine. This didn’t seem fine to me.

I asked some ladies at church what I could do if my husband wasn’t paying attention to me. They said I needed to pray more, give it to God, and read some books. I did all of those things. I would try to calm myself at night by praying. When I had time, I would read books on relationships. None of this was working and by the time we were married six months I knew I made a mistake. How could this be the same man I married? What was I doing wrong? I couldn’t walk away, this was the choice I made, I loved this man, we were supposed to make a future.

I finally gave up with the crying, begging, pleading, and anger. A little bitterness had set in and I wish we never had a TV. When your dad wasn’t watching TV he was reading fantasy books….still disengaged. In many ways, I became just like his mom. I stopped raising any fuss about things. I just accepted that this was my life. I looked around and there were very few happy couples so I figured this is how it was supposed to be. I must be selfish to want more.

Then you came along. I was so filled with love that I didn’t notice other things. You were my life, my joy. Your dad was a good dad. He spent time with us and I felt like a family. You were a beautiful distraction from the emptiness in our marriage. Then I got pregnant with Camille. Something felt different with your dad. He seemed even more distant. I kept asking him what was wrong, he always said it was nothing, everything was fine. The tension and distance grew day after day. About a month before Camille was born I couldn’t take it any longer. I begged your dad to tell me what was going on. He told me he had been very unhappy for the last six months. I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He said he didn’t know. I was devastated. I was about to have another baby and he didn’t know if he wanted to be married to me. I was really upset so he set up an appointment with the pastor in Lorane. We met with Chuck and he couldn’t seem to get your dad to open up either. Chuck told your dad that he was unkind to bring this up now when I was about to have a baby. We never got to the bottom of what was bothering your dad. He shut me out.

Fast forward many years; another baby, new businesses, a new church, and new friends. Life was busy and it was good. You and your sisters were so much fun. It was very easy to see all the good and forget about what wasn’t quite right. You guys got older and your dad and I got the cabinet business started. Your dad and I worked together very well. He was a very hard worker. I’m not sure why our marriage never seemed worth the work. I remember one beautiful night, I had just finished mowing the front yard and I was having a glass of wine on the patio. I asked your dad to come out and join me. He said he didn’t want to. All of you were watching TV and it was so nice out. I felt very hurt, sad, lonely, and empty. I wondered what I was doing wrong. I kept a clean house, cooked, took care of business paperwork, worked in the shop, took care of the house, loved the kids, loved my husband, volunteered at church, and took care of myself. Why was I sitting here all alone?

Throughout the years I wrote your dad notes and letters. I told him how much I loved him and how I wished we could have more quality time together, do fun things, just the two of us. I told him how his being distant and not interested in our relationship hurt me and made me sad. I asked him what I could do different, what he needed from me. Many times, these notes and letters were not discussed or even mentioned. Little by little I died a bit inside. Was I not worth the trouble?

You know the end of the story, it wasn’t pretty. I was numb and when your dad stopped working and wasn’t helping around the house, I couldn’t take it any longer. I was tired, empty, and felt worthless. I wrote him the final letter and he didn’t believe I wanted to give up on our marriage. By that point, enough had been chipped away it didn’t feel like there was much left. We went to counseling and your dad gave the counselor an earful on how horrible I was for wanting a divorce, how I needed to be fixed, how God hates divorce. It was torture. He still wasn’t saying what we could do to make the marriage work, what did he need from me so we could have a good relationship.

To this day, I would still like to know what I could have done differently. What did I do to your dad to make him disengage in our marriage? Your dad is a good man. I spoke to him today about what is going on with you. I said that you and your wife need to be completely honest about what you need, what you want your marriage to look like, what you want your family to look like. He agreed but then said that just like him, he sees you hating confrontation. Is avoiding confrontation worth more than having a healthy marriage?

Here is my challenge to you; be completely honest with your wife. If you want a clean house, say it. If you want her to raise your son differently, say it. If you want some space each evening, say it. If you want her to cook you dinner, say it. Whatever it is, say it, share it, ask it. She might come unglued….but what do you have to lose? Marriage is hard but divorce is harder. Be open, be vulnerable, cry, yell, get angry, but ALWAYS BE KIND. No name calling, don’t be mean, don’t be hurtful. These things are not acceptable. Take a time out, go for a walk. You chose your wife. Remind yourself what those reasons were. She is passionate, smart, witty, creative, lovely, fiery, and gets your humor. If you are numb, tired, overwhelmed, and want to give up; take some time to consider these things. Talk to someone or take some time to think. This doesn’t mean to check out in front of the TV. Be alone, have quiet, think, and consider your future, your family’s future, your son’s future.

I love you no matter what,
Mom

Do I keep dating my dad?

Yes, you heard me right! Do I keep dating my dad? Ok, not dating my dad, just men like him. Men that are financially stable, successful, professional, have their life together AND don’t have time. I remember growing up and my dad was at work a lot. He was building a successful electronics business through most of the 70s and the 80s. We would see him at dinner most nights but that was it. He would go back to work until we were in bed. I remember my mom being unhappy about this arrangement. As my brother and I got older she would say things like, “your dad’s business comes first and we come second.” I never felt this way, probably because my mom was always available. I did hear grumblings often. My mom would get mad at my dad, I believe mostly out of frustration, since she felt the sting of being second fiddle. It is hard to be jealous of the business that is providing a very nice life for your family.

Fast forward to my adult years and my marriage. I married just after my 23rd birthday. I thought I was a grown up, life was starting, I was making my own decisions. I look back and see I was doing what was expected of me. A rat in a maze. I thought I was marrying someone different from my dad. Someone that would adore me, put me first, and be interested in me. A person to build a life with, to be intimately involved. Soon after the wedding, the deep talks, sharing, and adoration faded. Snuggles and talks were replaced with TV and emotional distance. Within 6 months I wondered what had I done. There wasn’t a way out. “What God has joined together, let no man (or woman) put asunder.” I won’t get into all that happened but what I have come to realize is that my marriage failed from neglect. We went through the motions, had 3 wonderful children together, worked together, and had a home together. What we lacked was emotional connection.

The first months of my marriage were filled with tears and frustration. I begged for attention, connection, intimacy, and that sweet place where only he and I existed. The TV was the other woman. Neither of us were ever unfaithful with other people. Does being unfaithful need to involve another person? Can you be unfaithful by putting something else first in your life that makes your marriage (relationship) suffer? Some dads feel this when a baby comes into the home. If a woman doesn’t refocus during this time, the man feels second. I can fully understand this.

Going back to my parents, I believe their marriage suffered in two ways. My dad worked a lot and put work first. My mom put my brother and I first. I think my mom developed a habit of unhappiness and discontent. My dad found more appreciation at work (and it was easier to check out). Both are amazing people; smart, driven, responsible, fun, reliable. Both like to be in control, lack vulnerability, and are passive aggressive. They got divorced after 49 years of marriage. They each knew no other relationship except each other. My mom still struggles finding happiness inside herself. My dad doesn’t have an identity without a business/work. They are both struggling to find their true identity.

It has taken years to figure out who I am, what I want, and what are my deal breakers. The process of dating, counseling, and self-reflection can do a lot in moving a person forward. I read books and blogs on relationships and have “ahh” moments often. I keep meeting awesome men that have qualities that appeal to me. The most recent hiccup is the lack of time. Is this a real lack of time to pursue a relationship or just a relationship with me? Do they really want a relationship in the first place? I believe a man is the master of his own ship. He sets his own course. I have a difficult time respecting men (and women) that make excuses. They sound like this, “I wanted to contact you but life got busy.” “I was having some computer issues so I couldn’t message you.” “My evenings are tied up with clients, working out, and friends.” “I’ve been working long hours, like 10 hour days!” What does this scream to me? I THINK I WANT A RELATIONSHIP BUT IT ISN’T A PRIORITY. End of story. Or subconsciously they are going to keep you hanging along until someone better comes along.

I have a girlfriend who uses the line, “he just isn’t that into you.” I have to agree with her. I do believe times can get busy and I do understand, it happens in my own life. Thing is, if it goes on for weeks and months, do I really want a person that has so little time for a relationship? I don’t want the scraps like my mom always said she was getting. I don’t want emotional distance. Earning money and pursuit of success does take time. What success looks like varies from person to person. If the emotional connection wasn’t that important to me, I could look at dollar signs and feel love and connection. I’m not built that way. I want the whole tamale and I’m willing to give the whole tamale.

Back to dating my dad….it takes time to determine if this is happening. I ask men when I meet them if they have time for a relationship. Each one says “YES”. I don’t think they are untruthful, they want to believe they can have it all. They dabble with dating….is it dating if you see someone once a month? One man literally lived around the corner from me. He was working 10 hour days, Monday – Friday. Did he ask to see me for a few minutes once a week? Nope, he was too tied up with work (so he said). Not that into me, lazy, has someone else, or whatever….it became a huge turn off. I learned that inconsistency is a turn off to me. A person could hardly live closer and work closer to me than this guy did. In the end, did it make a difference, no. Time is a commodity we can spend the way we want. We can use it to show our love for another person, to make that person feel important. We can use it to earn a living. We can use it for fun. We can spend it on ourselves, to take care of our bodies, souls, and spirits. We can waste it.

This is where the rubber meets the road. We spend our own time. Do we use it to build relationships or neglect relationships? We each have responsibility for our most precious gift. Can I blame misuse on someone else? Sure, sometimes things make the decision difficult (doctor is running late, train is having issues, car accidents where we need to travel). Really, if we are honest, we waste a lot of time. We can’t blame it on anyone except for ourselves. We make choices and we shouldn’t make excuses.

I took a stand recently with a man who had pursued me but not really. We met only during the day while I was at work. No phone calls or texting and only messages through messenger. I asked point-blank if he was married or was emotionally involved with someone. He said he was not. He didn’t make an effort to see me for weeks on end….just messages. Even those were dead ends over the weekends. I hadn’t seen him for over a month and he messaged me saying he was in the area. He said he finished with a meeting and could stop by to see me. He gave me 15 minutes to respond then headed home. I responded in 20 since I was in a meeting. He said it was his loss since he already left the area. I felt really pissed. I went home and thought it through. The next day I sent him this message:

I have enjoyed our moments together; you are a good man, a smart man, a hot man. I feel sad, disappointed, and pissed off with our communications the last couple days. I feel like I am an afterthought, not valued, or respected. Feeling this way and excuses are not acceptable to me. I am open to continuing our communication only when schedules will allow plans to be made in advance and away from my work. If this isn’t possible, I wish you the best in all of your pursuits.

This was a big deal for me. In the past, I would have ignored him until he just faded away. This man did have potential and I needed to stand up for how I felt and what I needed. In the end, he couldn’t give me a respectable date, a real date. Maybe I am breaking the bonds of my dad. I am a wonderful priority, I am worthy of someone’s time, I love myself enough to spend my time wisely on someone who deserves it.

Friends….with heart and connection

I’m sitting here contemplating a relationship with a younger man. He has kids, much younger than mine also. This man is charming…not a Greek god and not Vin Diesel. He made me smile from the first few text messages about my ugly concrete porch. My friend dates his dad and I know he is probably a sweetheart too (like father, like son). It sounds weird but we hit it off via text message from the first minutes. How does this happen so easily sometimes?

I met him later that day…Monday. He is cute and witty. He says so many things that touch me, it makes me wonder if this is because there is nothing riding on this except for friendship. What will this be for me? A distraction until someone at the same place in life as me comes along? Someone that can talk to my playful side and heart instinctively without any agenda and reminds me who I am?

As the woman, I let the man lead. I wasn’t sure if he was always like this with possible clients. I stayed aloof but open when we met. I wasn’t sure how this would go. He said he would come to my house and take care of repairing my porch. Wow, really? Do I pay him or kiss him? The next day I thanked him for coming over. We picked up our conversation right away. It has been like this for the last couple days. He asked me out. We settled on something fun for Saturday night.

Here is the thing; I don’t want to hurt this man in even the littlest way. I want to inspire him to be a great man, to be open to his kids, to love without walls, to take care of himself. I want to love this man in the purest way possible (this surprises even me). I want this man to snuggle with me on the sofa and run his fingers through my hair. I want this man to understand, despite these things, I am still looking for a man to fit into my freedom and my lifestyle. If I cross the physical lines with him can we both stay detached enough to fill needs but stay open to others? Can he see that I am in a different place in life? Can he accept I am still looking for a great fit to my life? Can he find the woman of his dreams to be a real mom to his little girl?

I see a man that can be sweet, soft, and fun….and helpful. A man that knows how to be a friend. A man with a hard and dark side. A man with issues. A man that gets it. A man that has been through a lot and has stepped up to the plate. A man that has walls. A man that wants to please. A man that is aware. A man that is fun and playful. A smart man.

Where will this go? This will be part of the river that flows through our lives. Who knows where it will go…the river usually stays on the same path it always has. Will we stay connected? There is no way to know now and there is no reason to look ahead. I plan to let this unfold the way it will….it will have it’s own life and I will let it live.

Tenderness

I came to grips that I am missing tenderness. Yes, I have people in my life. I am not a homebody, an introvert, or an unsocial person. On Saturday evening my dance friends gathered at Jennie’s house. We ate and watched YouTube videos of dances we might like to perform in the future. I sat down next to Lovie and sank into her. Literally, the sofa pushed us together. As if she were my sister (I don’t have one) or one of my children, I found myself snuggling in closer to her. It felt comfortable and warm and Lovie didn’t mind.

Last night I found myself trying to remember the last time someone rubbed my back just because. When was the last time I snuggled with someone on the sofa or in bed? When was someone tender with me or I had the opportunity to be tender to them. I am a person who finds value in touch. Touch helps me feel connected to a person. I call myself a “toucher”. Some people laugh at that description, some people nod because they understand.

Physical touch is my secondary love language. If you haven’t read the book “The 5 Love Languages” I highly recommend it. My primary love language is quality time. That coupled with touch is pure bliss for me. Strolling along holding hands, sitting close to someone in the car, snuggling up and watching the sunset. The act of kissing someone whenever I want or them kissing me whenever they want; how has this alluded me for so long?

When my children were little, there were days I felt completely overstimulated. The last thing I wanted was for someone to touch me. I felt as if my body was not my own. Between pregnancy, nursing, potty training, dressing, diaper changes, and baths; touch was a constant companion. There were the extra love touches necessary to help my children know they were loved and to keep my man feeling he was desirable. All of this filled my touch quota to overflowing!

Fast forward 20 years; a person can pay to be cuddled by a professional cuddler. I see the value in this but wonder how it is that we, as a society, have pushed out real connections for virtual ones? When I meet my family and friends, we hug. When we part, we hug. I’ve been told I am a great hugger. I hug the way I want someone to hug me. With some of my very close friends, we hug, kiss (in a plutonic way), hold hands, walk arm in arm, and sit within easy touch proximity. This is how I touched my kids as they got older. I still kiss their cheeks, stroke their hair, hug them close, and snuggle them. My love for them doesn’t fade, it is more amazing everyday. They keep my heart tender and soft. I can’t imagine my life without them. I can’t imagine my life without tenderness….without touch. What does a person do when touch isn’t part of their regular day but there is a physical, mental, and emotional need for it?

A little history

My divorce was final in April of 2010. I had already been separated for 18 months, things had fallen apart with my parents, and I was laid off from my job right before Christmas of 2009. I had been searching for a job for over a year….now I really needed one! I finally found one in February but it was 2 1/2 hours away from where I was living with my kids. The decision overwhelmed me; take the job and establish stability or keep looking. In 2010 the recession was at its height. My ex-husband (still husband at the time) had stopped finding jobs in new construction in 2008 and was unwilling to go into remodels. We had a custom cabinet shop that provided for us very well when the economy was good. The housing market crashed and so did we. I took a job with my parents in their winery when there wasn’t enough work in the cabinet shop. I loved the work, the people, the challenge. I did a good job, sold a lot of wine, and built a wine club; although, there was conflict with my parents. I knew this was probably going to happen, just not the way it did. It is water under the bridge now.

The job offer in February 2010 came the day after my grandmother passed away. I figured she got to heaven and pulled some strings for me. It was a life changing decision. My kids wanted to stay with their dad and they were old enough to make that decision. I didn’t put any pressure on them to move with me and their dad wouldn’t have allowed it anyway. I was tired of fighting, I was worn out, I was broken mentally, spiritually, and physically. I had very little money since everything was tied up with the divorce. I accepted the job offer and they wanted me to start the next day but relocation takes a few days. I packed up my van and headed to a different life. I had just enough money to rent an apartment month-to-month and they had two hour approval. I moved in the bare minimum and slept on the floor. Those first months were the loneliest time of my life. I cried a lot, didn’t sleep, hardly ate, and beat myself up day in and out. I went from full time mom, looking for a job, busy keeping a house to working 7-4 M-F. What was I supposed to do with myself? No messes to clean, dinners to cook, lunches to pack, laundry to wash…I was in shock. I drove to see my kids every weekend. It was so hard and I feel for other people that go through the same thing. Usually it is dads that move from their kids for work and nobody gives them any problem. As a mom in that situation, I was ridiculed and looked down on. Women would say, “what kind of mom leaves their kids?” Ah, the kind of mom that knows someone has to work, the kind of mom that is responsible for her kids’ health care, the kind of mom that wants what is best for her kids even if that means she isn’t there all the time. My ex said horrible things about me and so did my parents. It is easy to shrink into your shell when that happens.

Fall 2010 I pushed myself into finding counseling I could afford. It took months but I jumped through the hoops and found the local university had student/teacher teams that did counseling on a sliding scale. $20 per hour and I started with the hopes of healing my heart, clearing my mind, and finding out who I was again. I cried every week during my session. I wanted to get better and the first step was quieting my mind so I could sleep. Sleep deprivation does crazy things to your life (mind, health, emotions). I worked a plan and started sleeping again. I started reading books that helped me find boundaries, found a dance class, settled into work, and accepted my new normal.

Proudly powered by WordPress | Theme: Baskerville 2 by Anders Noren.

Up ↑