Down to the wire…..

Two months ago I left for Italy with my mom. Time has flown by! The trip to Italy and cruise to Greece for 3.5 weeks with my mom was amazing. I will write about it later and share some pictures.

To recap; during the month of September Mel and I were struggling to figure out where our relationship would land when I returned from my trip. We were good friends, we had a connection, and we shared a good dose of chemistry. What was the problem? I wanted to find my person and if he wasn’t it, I was going to move on, without him. I had already started the process of mourning our relationship. I was willing to risk our friendship to see if we could have more, Mel was not. This was the beginning of a slow goodbye.

The weekend before my Italy trip, Mel invited me to a VW event at the coast. I was excited to go with him and meet new people. I also had a feeling of deep sadness knowing this was probably going to be our last outing together.

He picked me up Saturday morning and we left for the club meeting place. We never have a lack of things to talk about and getting to the place an hour early was no big deal. I met some new people and saw some I had met through the summer events. Mel and I chatted with the others and just between the two of us. I did my best to focus on these wonderful moments.

On the road heading for the coast, I was quiet for some time (this is unusual for me). Mel asked if I was trying to figure out what he was thinking (about our situation). I said I wasn’t, but I was trying to figure out how I felt. In my heart I was grappling with the sadness, trying to feel it but enjoy the present. I do, at times, try to figure others out, but I am not very good at it. I hadn’t wasted too much time trying to figure out Mel, but instead, taking the time to figure out how I felt with the situation.

I have loved Mel since my birthday at the end of 2017. He is a good and caring man. I had resisted falling in love with him. Our relationship has always been grounded on acceptance and friendship. Even knowing he didn’t want to be with me romantically, our friendship was still our place of security.

The coast was fun. We drove on the beach and parked for a potluck. We ate and visited then decided to move the cars due to the tide. The rain was holding off so Mel and I took a walk down the beach with another couple. I held Mel’s hand and held back my tears. I felt joy too, and I wanted to soak it in.

We headed back from the coast and unfortunately, the vehicle we were in, broke down. This can happen when you drive classics! Mel was very disappointed. I was just happy we were safe and it was something he could eventually fix. The tow truck arrived, loaded the bus, and off we went toward home. We had a fun visit with the tow truck driver. We asked him about “the spark” and his girlfriend. An interesting conversation flowed.

We got back to Mel’s and unloaded the bus. We went inside and had a drink. We talked about the day and what he thought the problem was with the bus. We snuggled on the sofa and watched a movie. Mel kissed me and I kissed him back. He pulled back, looked at me, and asked me to stay. I asked what kind of stay over he meant, since we had camped together without any sex and I wasn’t sure if he was thinking sleeping only. We had respected the no sex boundary for almost a whole year. I hadn’t even considered it would be lifted before I left for my trip. This time, there wouldn’t be that boundary. He made a decision and chose to take the risk of our relationship being more than friends. I cried with feelings of happiness, relief, and love. It felt like someone reached into my chest and was squeezing my heart. I felt full. I felt breathless. I felt good.

Is this the beginning (again) of a beautiful relationship? Time will tell. To start a romance off with a month apart….we will see.

December 3, 2018

Fear of failure, scared of success

I was married for 17 years and I failed. I failed to continue to live with a relationship that I felt empty in. I failed to keep my family together. I failed to be a good Christian wife and woman. I failed to sacrifice myself for others. I failed to stick it out. I failed to figure out what wasn’t working. I failed to understand why my husband wasn’t giving me what I needed in our marriage. I failed to keep our businesses successful. I failed to pray enough, to trust God enough, to be enough. I failed to do it all. I FAILED!

As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!

September 17, 2018

Morning Complete, 4 months

I’m writing this post because one of my most viewed posts were the ones for Morning Complete. I can say I have been happy for four months with my choice to continue taking Morning Complete. I drink my glass within 60 minutes of waking (before 6:30 am on weekdays). I don’t feel like I skipped breakfast and I usually have my coffee and cream around 9 am.

Some days I do feel very hungry before lunch time. I’m not sure why this is, but it does happen. I eat a handful of almonds or have a string cheese. I generally eat low carb so these are my go to. My coffee has a good dose of cream that helps give me calories and keep the jitters down from caffeine on an empty tummy. I eat lunch between 1-2 pm depending on if I had a snack and when I take my walk. Amount of dinner is dependent on what I had for lunch and how much work I had to do when I got home.

Things to note:

I didn’t start this program for weight loss. I could stand to lose 10 pounds, but who doesn’t. I am happy with my size and don’t even own a scale or weigh on a regular basis. If my clothes feel good and I feel good….all is good!
I eat low carb most of the time. I don’t deny myself something yummy when I really want it. It is a lifestyle but I am not militant about it (unless I need to drop some weight after holidays/vacation).
I stopped going to the gym about the same time I started using Morning Complete. This was due to tons of work I needed to do on my house remodel. My joints and back/hip haven’t bothered me much but it could be due to other factors. I do get a decent amount of exercise and rarely sit except for during working hours.

Conclusion; I have decided to stay on Morning Complete for several reasons. First, I enjoy not being reliant on breakfast and still feeling satisfied. I don’t have to cook breakfast! Time saver, woohoo! Second, I feel good, plain and simple. I’m 49 and that is a huge plus. Lastly, I feel the science behind the product is good.

September 17, 2018

The almighty SPARK!

When was the last time you felt the spark for someone? Did you start dating the person who you felt the spark for? Was it mutual? Did the relationship work out? Do you chase after the next spark? How quickly does the spark fade? How often does the spark grow into a bonfire? Is this “spark” something you can explain?

I had dinner with Mel last night. He told me he didn’t feel a spark for me, that was what the problem was. This is what I thought it was all along, so this is nothing new. What did come to light is how he compared me, and everyone else to Darla when we met. He probably continued to do it until a couple of months ago. I will have to ask him. Now he compares every woman he meets to me. This is a recipe for disaster. I’m not sure if he sees it, but I do. Will either of us find someone else if we keep comparing? Will either of us feel “the spark” for someone new with the comparisons? I think this is what happened between Mel and I. He was looking for someone better than Darla, but I am not better than Darla, I am different than Darla. Like Mel said last night, he and I look perfect on paper….politics, religion, retirement, business, fun, acceptance, finances….but he doesn’t feel “the spark”. He feels sexual desire for me but not the spark. He doesn’t want to have sex with me because he knows it will change everything. What he may not be considering is that everything will change when I go back to dating. I will have to give him up because the comparisons will have to stop. As long as he is filling part of what I need (from my future love), I will not find a man to fill the empty places I need him to fill. There are only a few options that I can see:

* We part ways
* We have sex and everything is fantastic
* We have sex and part ways
* We part ways and Mel feels the spark for me

I can only remember one time in the last 25 years that I have felt a real spark. It was with truck driver Matt a few years ago. The chemistry and magnetism were so strong, my skin felt electrified, I could hardly breathe, let alone put two words together. The first time and every time he touched me, it was amazing. I could have died a happy woman in his arms. That lasted 3 months and it burned out. I cried everyday for 3 months after we broke up. This is life.

People grow on me. Do I think my feelings for Mel are real? Yes, because I know him, I trust him, I feel safe with him. I have fun with him. I think for the most part, he wants to make me happy and he does make me happy. Life is complicated and if I can’t make him happy then I need to be on my way….spark or no spark.

“The closer we get to what we truly desire, the more obstacles we place in its way.”

September 14, 2018

No decision is a decision

We met almost a year ago. We hit it off. You were sleeping with your business partner who turned out to be your girlfriend. If you are sleeping with someone and you want a future with them….they are called “girlfriend”. I asked and you were honest. Thank you for that, I could make a decision based on truth.

Why did I continue to see you when I knew you were emotionally and physically attached to someone else? You stirred something inside me that had been dormant. I put you in the “friend zone” because there were two choices; friend zone or goodbye. There have been windows of time we crossed the “friend” line, but not so much that things changed.

You have been my friend, my helper, my travel buddy, my cheerleader, my encourager, my thought provoker, my inspiration, and my sounding board. You have listened to me rattle on about whatever book I am reading, whatever crazy idea I might have, how I want to change my life, my plans to find freedom, retirement, what is going on in my family, my struggles, and the longings of my heart. You have given me a strong hand to hold, tight hugs, and a place to relax when my house was torn apart.

You have provided me so many opportunities for fun. Road trips for cars, parts, trades. Camping in a tiny trailer to look at old trailers. Evenings at nice restaurants, drinks at dives. You meeting my friends and family, my meeting your friends and family. Car shows, parks, garage sales, swap meets. I love your bugs, buses, and all the partly assembled vehicles sitting around in an organized fashion.

What was dormant in me? My entrepreneurial spirit. The thought of being able to start something great, come up with ideas, and eventually execute was buried deep where it was left when I got divorced. I was in survival mode for a few years, on to building a new life, and finally to stability and security. Now I have room to think outside the box and you have helped me expand it.

September 2018 is here and as we talked about future travels and endeavors I realized we have to stop doing this. We are not together, we are not a couple. We are both very single now, but there is no “together” in sight for us. We drew a line in the sand on Monday….to date or not to date each other? I am willing to give it a try, but you are not. The tide came in and the line is gone. You say you might make the decision when I get back from Italy. I told you that you don’t ever have to make a decision, eventually the decision might be made for you. No decision is a decision.

The stakes are high. I laid down my cards and opened my heart to you twice. Both times my cards have been left on the table. I can feel the risk and my own fear and excitement. I feel the twinges of rejection, but maybe it is just disappointment. I haven’t allowed myself to dream of a future with you. I have dreamed of a future in the right relationship. I do love you, but I am not in love with you. I’m lucky for that! It was my hope that dating would stoke the fire.

November will come and I will pick up my cards. I may not be willing to gamble at your table any longer. I don’t want to say goodbye, but I know that as I search for the right relationship, I might have to. Time will tell and I believe things will fall into place as they should. Maybe you find your person that fills your empty spots and loves you for you. I hope to do the same. Maybe it is you and me, maybe it is not. I love you just the way you are, I appreciate you, I am proud of you, you make me smile. You are a good man, you are a unique person, you are a builder, you are smart, you love people, you love process. May you always be you! XO

September 6, 2018

Will you know it when you see it?

As I make this journey in the dating world, I wonder often if I will know it when I see it. What will I know? What is it I will see? Will we both see “it” at the same time?

I have a friend, Trisha, that met her soulmate on a plane. He sat down next to her and they started talking. She said after a few minutes she just wanted to lay her head on his shoulder and say, “there you are!” Did he know on the airplane too? Here it is years later and they are getting married. They are so cute together. When she shares her story, she lights up. How did she know he was the one?

I have met some people in the last several years of dating that “felt” right. I didn’t think, “this is the ONE” but I knew they felt different than the people I had met and couldn’t flee fast enough. Was it their energy, their smile, their voice, their eyes, our conversation, or the questions they asked? What was it?

I’ve learned recently finding a kindred spirit doesn’t make a romantic relationship. Is two people looking for and focusing on the same thing where the creation starts? Do you have to be looking for your person to find them? I’ve heard women talk about meeting men that said they would never marry again, then behold, they produce a ring and get married. When do we listen to what is said? When do we throw that out and think they will marry again?

In October of 2017 I decided I wanted to marry again. My wounds had healed, my broken parts were beautifully put back together, my heart was open, and I felt a soft longing. I was longing for a deep connection, a man to build a future with, fun, security, trust, and a plan to forge forward into the great unknown…..together. Yes, I used the word “together”.

Will I recognize the right man when I see him? Will he feel right from the start? Will he be looking for the same thing as me? I am looking for a great man to share a great relationship. While I have found great men, the relationship part hasn’t happened. My journey will continue until I find it. Until then, I will just keep looking!

September 5, 2018

Morning 2

My second morning on Morning Complete by ActivatedYou.

I was really hungry the rest of day 1, yesterday. I was also extremely sleepy in the afternoon. I got home from work and took a 1.5 hour nap. I had a little to eat before I went to dance class. I didn’t eat much when I got home around 9. I took a shower and went to bed.

This morning, I had my drink and left for work. I wasn’t hungry at all until about 11 am, but I was in a meeting so I had a couple sips of a coworker’s coffee with cream and natural sweetener (monk fruit I think). I had a couple cheese sticks when I got back to my desk at noon. I went for a walk at 12:30 and after, I had the rest of my lunch around 2 pm (fish, tomato, cucumber, avocado).

My day 2 evening was a total bust. My daughter left some amazing cake pops in my fridge. Yes, those cake pops were devoured then I wasn’t hungry for dinner. I did some running around and went to bed at a good hour.

September 5, 2018

When the past enters the present

The last two weeks have been a time of learning and decisions. First, I get a Facebook friend request from a long ago boyfriend. He was significant along my path since he was the first after my divorce (I wrote about him in my dark year post). I was broken and so was he. I am not broken anymore, but I think he is still broken. It sounded this way the last time I had a visit with him. As I had a bowl of soup with him a few months ago it became apparently clear that I had grown and he had not. At least we hadn’t grown in the same ways. So I let his friend request sit there on FB.

Later that week, enter another past boyfriend. He messages me and wants to hang out, he wants to see me, and tells me he misses me. I tell him my time is at a premium and that I don’t see us getting together anytime soon. The thing is, when he contacts me, I don’t feel excited or happy about seeing him. I feel like it is a lot of work, I am obligated because I am “nice”, I have to dodge all his claims about missing me, and we really didn’t part on happy terms anyway. I get done putting him off and he sends me a friend request. Again, I let this sit.

During the days that follow I read not one, but two different articles and blog posts about weeding out so called friends. Here are the messages I received from my readings:

Do these relationships serve me? For these two, the answer was an easy NO. They have no bearing on my life as I know it now. I have to go out of my way to see them and while I cared for these people at one time, I don’t really care now.
How much room do these relationships take from me? While I am looking at a small time commitment to keep these relationships, there is a larger mental commitment that goes along with continuing to engage them. Each time I hear from them I am sucked back to where I was before and who I was. I am not that person anymore (thank God!).
Do I want these people to stay in my life? I have zero reason to keep these people in my life. I don’t want to expand or nurture the relationships. Is this harsh? It sounds like it, but some people nip these off as soon as a break up happens. Why didn’t I do that when things ended? Right, I’m that nice, giving, doormat woman…..no more.
Do these people really care about me and where I am going in life? In all my dealings with these men, rarely have either of them encouraged me to be better, to grow, to find who I am, and/or to help me in any of these areas. I feel like I am the lifeguard and they are the ones slowly drowning. When they make contact, I feel like they are trying to rescue themselves and in those moments, they are drowning me to save themselves.
Have I outgrown these relationships? Yes, I have outgrown these people and the relationships they represent. I am so grateful I am past where I was when I had them in my life.
Am I uplifted and excited seeing these people or do I feel obligated and heavy? With both of them I feel guilty and heavy because my life is so good now. I can barely talk about how beautiful things are and how blessed I feel. One of them throws it back in my face, the other quietly reminds me that I could have taken him along in my beautiful life. Nothing like a little more guilt to make a person feel happy. Uggg.
Do I want my past to follow me to where I am now? My past is always with me. It has grown me into the person I am now. Do I want to be reminded of the hard stuff, the people that were damaged, angry, and wanted me to stay in those places with them? Not for one minute! I really don’t want to even remember those times. I made choices then I would not make now, so why revisit?

To sum it up, I want to free up all the room in my life I can for the good stuff. I want to find my person, my soulmate, my beloved. I want to have friends that feed me the deep, heartfelt nurishment I need to grow. I want people to push me, challenge me, and expand without making me wrong or disrespect my ideas and life. I want the kind of connection that makes me feel alive! I want to like who I am when I am with these people. These people are easy to fall in love with.

What did I do with these two friend requests? I deleted them both. One is still after me and this will be my message to him:

R, while I appreciate you reaching out I cannot continue to engage with you. I have taken a hard look at where I have been and where I am going. As far as friendship, I don’t feel the effort has been made to right things. There is money owed to me, broken furniture, many of my items left behind. Help with my medical bills after our child was miscarried was not offered. I was treated with disrespect and indifference. Even when I have reached out for your help, I found none. This isn’t how friends treat each other. If you want to right any of these things, so be it. If not, I wish you the best in life along your journey.

I look back and wonder why I let this go so long. In the beginning it was because we worked together. Take note, there are many reasons not to date people you work with! He doesn’t contact me all the time but it is rough when he does. The time finally came to step up and have the difficult conversation.

UPDATE: I sent the above message without any expectations. An hour later he had responded and later he transferred some money into my bank account. He said he had been selfish. We exchanged a couple messages. I think he “got it” this time. I thanked him and this will probably wrap up my past with him.

July 27, 2018

A letter to my niece

To my lovely, smart, focused, and determined niece,

I sat yesterday and watched you accept your master’s degree. The beautiful hall was filled with energy and buzz. The room had so many features, though my eyes were drawn to the massive pipe organ. At 5 pm, once the player of the organ was arranged in her robes, the pipe organ started and the procession began. Your smile could have lit the room. I was overwhelmed by your accomplishment. The word “proud” doesn’t do justice. I was taken back to the days when your hair reminded me of a copper penny. You were a sweet and cautious little girl. You have always been as smart as a whip and in your growth, you learned to temper it with humbleness. Fanfare has never been your thing, or so it seems.

I have been thinking of you much in the days since I had lunch with you. As always, you were planning ahead. So much like your dad (he’s my brother and I do the same things). You were planning for your new life and job. You really are starting the next chapter of your life. It might not seem like it now, but when you look back 10, 20, or 5 years from now, you will see it. You may wonder where the time has gone and how you came to the decisions you made and the directions you took. Many decisions are made because of where we have come from; family, religion, and pressure. I am here to tell you, let the pressure off. Rethink the things you think you know and the things you have been told. I’ve been here for 49 years and my mind is still expanded every single day. Yes, I look for it, I am curious of it, and life is a wonderful place to discover oneself.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill. The keynote speaker said this yesterday and it is true. Life is a learning journey. I want you to know a couple of the most important things in life; don’t ever change who you are and don’t ever compromise what you believe is right. Who you are is a daily discovery. When your heart wants to leap with love or retreat out of fear; ask yourself why. I mean; place it in your hand and look at it, ask the questions. When you feel fear, do the same thing. Question often why you believe a thing is right or wrong. You will gain perspective.

Now for a few of my favorite things….ok, a few of the things I want to share that have changed my life. First though, I love you! Doesn’t matter what you do, where you end up, how messed up your life gets, I love you. You don’t have to perform for me or fit in a certain mold, I love you for being you.

When Jesus was asked what the most important commandment was he listed two. First, love the lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. AND, love your neighbor as yourself. Both of these are about relationships. Our first call is to have a relationship with THE Father. He is our heavenly Father and we are the apple of his eye. He loves us so much and in return, we also love him. People often forget the other one; love your neighbor as yourself. Why do we need to love others? It expands us as people and we are called to be Christ-like. We cannot judge others and truly love them where they are. I don’t believe that we must be close to all those in our life. Those that love you, are supportive, and challenge you to be a better you, that is who gets to hang around. The others, keep them at arm-length.
“Being with the wrong person will keep you from finding the right person.” Veronica, my friend since 4th grade, said this when we were shopping one day as she was telling the story of almost missing out on Bill, her hubby, because she was with a man who wasn’t her equal and wasn’t who she really needed in her life. I think about this often in my dating life. If I choose ______, then I drastically reduce my other choices.
Along the same lines; your spouse or companion in life can make or break you. Recently, we saw how your cousin’s wife almost ruined his career. The wrong spouse can break you financially. There are so many areas where this is true. Choose wisely and carefully. A question to ask yourself; does this person make my life bigger (expands it) or makes it smaller (recedes it)? Life is big and there is so much to see, experience, and learn. There are so many people to meet and learn from.
If you want to be successful, spend time around those that are more successful than yourself. I have friends that complain about almost everything. They complain about their job, the cost of housing, relationships, you name it. The problem is; they don’t want to do anything to fix it or make it better. These people will suck the life out of you. The more positive you are and are focused on solving problems, the more you will hear how people complain. Spend small amounts of time with them, not a lot of time. Surround yourself with people who are positive, focused, and think outside the box. Surround yourself with people who cheer for you and challenge you.
Have fun! For heaven sakes, if you can’t have fun, why bother! Play, dance, let your spirit be free. This will keep you healthy, upbeat, and happy. It is so important to play and to play with the one you love. This is how you bond. I didn’t have too many of these times when I was married. We did a lot of things with the kids but we rarely had any good playful fun alone. Be playful and silly. This requires you to be vulnerable. If you haven’t read “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown, I highly recommend it. Her other book, “Daring Greatly” is a must.
Spend time alone. Write in a journal. Make peace with who you are. Get counselling if you need it. Ask for help. During my hardest years, I had a lot of time alone getting to know myself. I needed to make peace with myself because I had guilt. Guilt comes in all sort of shapes and sizes. It comes from well-meaning people and we do it to ourselves. I wrote a lot in my journal and went to counselling. When I got past all that junk, I threw away the journals. Whenever I looked at them, I would feel triggered and sad. So, one day, I threw them away. Boom, the past is over! On to a new page!
Give respect and demand (earn) respect. If someone doesn’t respect you, get away from them. Don’t attack the person but the action. Believe what a person says to you, but always look for their actions. If their actions tell a different story than their lips, actions always win. This goes for boundaries. Boundaries give us a lot of freedom, which I have learned through trial and error. Our self-set limits for certain things in life release us to live within them. Question your boundaries often but when someone pushes your limits, stand strong. Question later.
Have great friends. I mean, really deep, soulful friends. Share who you really are and if they leave, they aren’t real friends. I picture my friendships like a pyramid. There are very few in the top tier, but those are my deep, kindred spirit friends. The next tier are my good friends. I still feel the need to censure sometimes with this group but not often. The third tier are friends that I love to see, but not very often. They are too busy or I have found, at times, to be judgemental. The bottom tier are acquaintances. I know “of” these people but only casually. Usually I run into them at a party or when I am out. All of the friends from each tier can drift between the tiers. I have a friend that was top tier but isn’t anymore. One that was at the bottom who I started spending more time with and she rose up. We have seasons in our lives and there should always be growth. If we are growing, our friends may change if they aren’t growing with us or vise versa.
Live life from an abundance mindset not from scarcity. There is more than enough love to go around, friends, happiness, joy, work, and fun. When we live from scarcity there is competition, hard feelings, and drama. Abundance is beautiful.
Choose joy and happiness. These really are choices. You might have dark days and times. Choosing happiness changes your mindset and it changes your life.
Find ways to be creative. Dance, sing, paint, garden, do pottery, write, knit, build something, work on a car, or whatever. You get the idea.
Be brave! Many times it isn’t in doing the thing good or right, it is in the bravery it takes just to do/try it. Be brave, point your chin up, smile, and go! Here is a big one….say what you feel. It takes bravery to be the first one to say “I love you” or “I am sorry”. You will never regret saying the things that can build connection. You might be rejected, but you will live and you will live richly. Speaking up isn’t always easy or pretty. When you desire something or something needs to change, say it.
Love without the need to be loved back. This one can be a challenge, but when we love without expectation to be loved back, it gives us a freedom to love freely. This is closely related to “love your neighbor as yourself”. I think of this as a deeper part of this neighborly love. There will be times when the people closest to you may not “deserve” your love, but love them without expecting them to return it. Your kids won’t love you for the first couple years of their life, but our hearts love them with the most pure love possible….unconditional love. Again, you can love someone even if the best place to keep them is far away. AND love yourself….you can only love others as deeply as you love yourself.

I could probably go on and on. Here are a couple more….find beauty in everything, have “ahhhh” moments, talk to strangers, don’t be a snob, things are just things, dirt washes off, and most things can be cleaned. You, my dear, are unique and never live less than your wonderful uniqueness. You are enough and you are worthy! I love you!

Aunt Tracy

June 26, 2018

Online profiles with kids

I have been dating for more years than I want to count. My kids were younger when I started the process but I don’t recall ever making a lot of comments about them in my profile. Now I make some comment about having grown children or that I am a mostly empty nester. I have viewed thousands of profiles and I have a little advice for those people with kids.

Limit the number of pictures of you with your kids. We all know your kids are darling and you have a ton of fun together. We don’t need to see them with you in every picture. We don’t need to see you holding them when they were babies (and now they are 15). Old family pictures….also a no-no. Off subject, any picture that shows you in a wedding ring, keep it off your dating profile.
Using the term “kids always come first”. As a parent myself, my kids are my number one concern. The part “always” is hard for me to swallow. I want to pull at my hair and ask these people if they have lived through the teenage years (and beyond)? It can get dicey and demanding, or should I say, they (the kids) get that way. When I have plans, dates with men or plans with my friends, then my kids call at the last minute and want to get together; guess what, I don’t cancel my plans. My kids know the flip side is always true also, I never make promises or plans with them that I don’t keep. Plus as parents, I don’t feel the need to say this phrase, it is a given.
I saw this one today, “my daughter always wins”. Wow, makes me want to have a long term relationship with this guy! Playing second fiddle is not enticing, and to a daughter at that. My kids don’t always win. I always win. I do what is best for my relationships, otherwise I would be left empty handed, no friends and mad, self-centered kids.
Meeting the kids. People have lots of different takes on this. If a long term relationship is the goal, after a couple months of steady dating, I think it is ok to meet the kids. Not on their turf or mine; maybe at ice cream, the park, bowling. This is good for younger kids. My kids are older so I am cool with them meeting anyone that they cross paths with in regular life. My kids are fine with knowing their mother is dating.

A tip for those with grandchildren….please let us know those kiddos in your pictures are grands. It gets a little confusing for those of us looking for empty nesters.

June 8, 2018