As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!