First, depression is real. I do not wish to minimize the effect depression has on people, relationships, and families. I have not suffered from long term depression so I have a hard time completely understanding it. Years ago I dated someone that had deep, dark depression. I could not handle the cloud it cast over life so I chose to end the relationship. I have dated manic depressants. This was a roller coaster ride for me because I loved it when they were manic, but the sad meanness of the depressed days was too much for me. A life full of eggshells is not a place I want to land.

I have had a lifetime learning how to navigate my family over the holidays. Some ways we do this is not healthy. Ignoring certain things and tip-toeing around other things is not easy. This year I entered into a new family with a different minefield. It really is like seeing a beautiful place, but as you enter this land there are conversations, questions, and topics that need to be avoided. I did step on a few bombs this year, but the injuries were minor (at least from my perspective). Even when a map has been clearly drawn out to show where the mines are, I inevitably find other ways to set them off. It may not be a direct step but may still cause pain. I wonder sometimes if the mines we try so hard to avoid are the very things we should be digging up? Should I ask the mom or dad who isn’t with their kids how they are feeling? I can feel empathy when we speak of things that are hurting the people I love and care about. Should we just ignore painful subjects all together, pretend like it doesn’t exist? We did this in my family for decades. In the end, it robbed us all of a desperate need to mourn what could have been. It robbed my family of healing, it robbed my aunt of a life filled with love rather than regret.

I don’t wish to cause another person pain. I don’t want to generalize on this subject. I own the fact that I bring my own history, perspective, and ideas to the table. I am not always as sensitive as people expect me to be (or maybe I should be). Sometimes I am not sensitive at all. Usually my compassion and empathy run out when I hear people blaming others/events for what is going on in their lives. It can sound like this:

• Such and such ruined Christmas for me because years ago because this happened.
• I have to avoid Christmas because I don’t have my kids.
• I can’t be happy because so and so is upset.
• So and so didn’t come for Christmas so it ruined the day for everyone.
• I don’t want to see anyone because I don’t have money for gifts (money for everything else though).
• My unspoken expectations didn’t come true so now I feel depressed and want everyone to hear about it and punish those that didn’t perform the way I wanted.

Please, don’t get me wrong, self-preservation is necessary. If a gathering makes you feel uncomfortable, it is within your rights to avoid it. Avoid the people you need to avoid. What I don’t understand is when someone blames their ruined reality on someone else. Some of the best advice I got was when I moved to a new town after my divorce; “You can create your own reality.” I could make my life whatever I wanted. Yes, my kids lived with their dad and I only saw them 5-8 days each month, but I had a choice to let it ruin my life or chase happiness and joy anyway. Did I want to be a victim of what life had thrown me? I had a choice, just like I had a choice to move for work or stay where I was and be unemployed. When someone says they don’t or didn’t have a choice, I usually disagree. Unexpected things happen, yes, but we do have a choice how to react to them.

Wallowing in sadness or depression doesn’t fix anything. Pretending or shutting it out, doesn’t fix anything. Medication and counseling can help a person with depression if they are ready (but, does anyone ever feel ready?). I sought counseling when I knew I needed help to heal from some family/relationship issues. I was ready and it was well worth the time, cost, and pain to get better. It was my road to a balanced life.

I have people in my life that choose a different route; they choose sadness, choose to be alone, or choose to make others suffer for their sadness. Punishing others for what we are feeling or choosing is never a good idea. I have been punished for choices others have made. It is not my job to make you feel better. If there is something I need to apologize for, tell me. I want people around me to be happy and I will do what I can in my power to make that happen, BUT if you continue to choose unhappiness, I will walk away. Self-preservation is king.

Processing and making peace with how we are feeling is extremely important. Let the feelings wash over you, name the feelings, accept them, own them, then let them go. The less time we spend focusing on them, the faster they will pass, and the less likely they will resurface. A very wise friend of mine told me that all feelings come from either of the two core feelings; LOVE or FEAR. Where does our sadness, unhappiness, or disappointment come from? Is it out of love or fear? Are we punishing people and pushing them away in hopes they will say the things we want to hear, promise to change, or somehow choices we have made will have a different outcome? A person can wish and hope, but only through the action to create their own life and reality will life look any different. Put the work in, make the change, and see how your life looks a year from now!

A great video on dealing with challenges over the holidays: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE0AH7stT5c

As I have said in previous posts, my marriage wasn’t abusive, at least not in what is commonly understood as abusive. Emotional neglect, yes. I know; poor, poor me!

I just had a weekend filled with friends I am close with and some that I have spent little time with in the last 10 years. These were my church friends when I was married. My ex-husband no long attends the church since he moved to another state. I felt the all too familiar judgement that comes along with divorce. I am stronger now and it feels easier to be transparent when it comes to my kids and my life. If you have never had someone give you that disapproving stare and throw down words that cut, count yourself lucky. If you have never felt guilt when this has happened, you are very strong. I didn’t feel lucky or strong, what I didn’t feel? The need to defend myself. I didn’t feel the hypersensitive fight or flight reaction. I didn’t want to run or fight. These women have their own battles and if they want to look at mine in a different way than they look at their own, that is on them. It is so easy to point a finger, but harder to look in the mirror.

I have failed so many things in my life. I still don’t know exactly why my husband checked out of our marriage. What I did or didn’t do that kept me from having a real connection to my husband. These questions used to drive me crazy. I didn’t have closure. I believe my husband loved me in the way he thought was love. I loved my husband in the way I thought was love. We were faithful and loyal to each other, we did a good job raising kids, and starting businesses. We read the “The 5 Love Languages” and I determined my love language, but he couldn’t figure his out (what does that mean?).

I gave up my relationship with my husband 10 years ago. Maybe that’s why it is stirring inside me right now, maybe it is because of what is going on with Mel. What I have come to recognize; I was not the right person for my husband, my husband was not the right person for me. We stopped relating so the relationship was broken.

Do I fear failing a relationship again? YES! Am I scared of starting a relationship that looks like it could be successful? YES! I am ready to risk my heart for the possibility of either outcome. I hope for success, but if it falls short, I will not die. Life is too short to have regrets, plus I fear regrets more than I fear failure. To have “what ifs” after the chance has passed is an awful place to live. Mel says he would just reason it away with logic….it was never meant to be after all. I also believe that too. But, if I don’t follow my heart, I will regret it. To exhaust all the options will leave me with a clear mind and heart. For this season of 2018, my heart might be hurt, but it won’t be because I am afraid to say what I need or to do what I need to do.

November will come and I will hit the streets of dating again. If Mel decides he doesn’t want to risk dating me, so be it. I will have to extract him as a place filler for many pockets in my life. I will look for his best qualities in another man, the same thing I have done for many of the men I have dated along this path. If he does decide to take the risk, we will also have to brace ourselves for the possibility of success. There is plenty of sabotage that comes with something that is working. It seems odd, but I have heard many times that when something is going good, we self-sabotage it. I will take life a day at a time. My trip to Italy is next month. I will have plenty of time to think, focus, feel, and rest. I will have time to recognize what I am really feeling. I will have time to explore what I am looking for….what success looks and feels like for me. Success is the ultimate goal! Onward!